A Personal Crucible

Blessed beyond measure...

2010-02-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

Our precious,

adorable,

handsome

and perfect baby boy is here!

Born February 8th

at 11:10pm

weighing 9 lbs 9 oz

and 21 1/2 inches long

A couple months before we felt it was the right time to get pregnant again, I was given a blessing and told that I should rejoice because soon I would be blessed beyond measure. As I hold my baby boy I can see how this blessing has come about. I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Thank you for following me in this journey.

Now I start a new journey into the world of motherhood...

and I have never been more excited and fulfilled!!!

89 days

2009-11-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry that I have been M.I.A. on this blog for almost 2 months! I have just been busy with life and getting things ready for our precious little boy to come. I am so excited to meet him and I already feel such an INCREDIBLE love for him. As I feel him and watch him kick and move almost all day, my heart fills with gratitude. I start the 3rd trimester on Sunday and it is so crazy to think that I will be entering the last stretch and will only have 12 weeks until his due date. 12 weeks until I meet our very special little boy. It's interesting how the pain I felt before has almost completely disappeared as I carry this little boy. I feel so much gratitude for him and how this pregnancy has been perfect from the beginning. But honestly, I think the reason I feel so much gratitude about the pregnancy going well is because of my past experiences. If I hadn't experienced that I know that I would take it for granted. And I know that others will scoff at the fact that my pain is basically totally gone and tell me that that is impossible. But I KNOW that I was supposed to go through that and that those experiences have brought me to where I am, strengthened me and made me a better person. Instead of pain, I feel strength. Instead of hurt, I feel gratitude. Instead of anger, I feel love. I know that I will have those spirits to raise, and instead of feeling sadness, I feel excitement to meet them. Through this experience I have come to know that this was the will of the Lord and that it was the best thing for me. Of course it took this trial to help me see this and feel these things, but I can say I feel those things with all honesty. And there may be people who do not believe me, but these are the feelings that I feel. completely 100% honest.

(26 1/2 weeks)

I honestly do not live in the past, rehashing memories or pain from before. I look forward, excited about this chapter in my life. I do not relive the hurt because I have so much happiness to enjoy. As I look back on that chapter of my life, I see so TANGIBLY the hand of the Lord directing me and leading me in when we got pregnant (we felt so strongly to get pregnant when we did the 2nd time which was about 2 years earlier than we had expected...we were going to wait until I graduated from college) , the doctors we saw (who I really think were inspired to suggest certain things), the things we did in our plan (like some things we did which may not have made sense to others but we felt prompted to do for example me gaining weight etc.) etc. which all lead to where I am today and to our little boy. That part of my life is something I am truly grateful for because it has brought me to where I am today, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here.

"The adversities we face in life are meant to make us better, not bitter.... God did not put us on this earth to fail." - Jon Huntsman

Our little baby boy!

2009-09-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

We found out yesterday that our precious little baby is a BOY! Before I was even pregnant, I knew that our baby was going to be a boy so it wasn't too much of a surprise! :) But my heart is so full because he is perfectly healthy and everything looks great. He even measured about a week larger than he should be (but they wont change my date for some reason)! It was so wonderful to see how much he had grown and all his perfect little organs. It's absolutely amazing to think that his little body has been growing in my tummy for the past 20 weeks and will for another 20 weeks. I can't wait to hold him. He is absolutely beautiful already, but maybe I am just biased. I cannot believe how much I already love and adore him. And we haven't even officially met. I hope I can be patient for February 7th to come!

My Sunday has come.

2009-08-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

When I wrote the post on April 12th and ended it with a section from Elder Wirthlin's talk entitled "Sunday Will Come" I had no idea how close I was to my own Sunday.

And when I ended that post with the following thought that I had, I didn't realize how soon it was actually coming:

"So while we endure our "Fridays" and the darkness seems to stretch on and on, know that our glorious and joy-filled "Sunday" will come. It is during my moments of dispair and "Friday" moments that the personal promises of my "Sunday" make it worth going strong."

Little did I know that the next month my Sunday would come and the darkness of my "fridays" would be a memory of a time where I grew and became the person that I am today. Little did I know that it was so close. I knew it would happen, but I had no idea how close I really was. I could feel that it was coming, but as I look back I never realized how soon. And as I said above, during the dark moments of my "Friday" experiences, I would dream of when my "Sunday" would come and this is what my dream would look like:

But I had no idea how wonderful it would actually be to be living that dream.

Now I know and as I said at the closing of my post on April 12th, the promises of "Sunday" were worth all of what I had to go through.

I am now almost 15 weeks

and everything has gone perfectly. Those pictures are from our appointment when I was about 12 weeks and I was finally told that I am in the safe zone. It was so amazing to hear that; see our baby kicking it's legs, touching it's face and moving all around and then hear it's little heartbeat.
I feel so blessed.
I know that things can still go wrong, and I still catch myself entertaining worries and "what-if's" even as my belly grows.
But even if something did happen, at least I can carry the image of our baby in my mind and know that I had the blessing of growing a baby for so long.
But I am still so overwhelmed with gratitude to know that a little miracle is growing in my belly.
I already love our baby so much even though we haven't officially met
and the love and joy that I feel make all the pain of my "fridays" melt away and disappear.
It's like a distant memory but the raw pain of miscarriage dissipates instantly when I realize that all that pain, all that suffering and the waiting would bring me our little precious baby.
As I look back I can see the wisdom of an all-knowing father who allowed me to be tested
so that I would appreciate our baby even more
be so grateful even on days when I am so incredibly and miserably sick
make sure that I am the best person possible to be the mother to our special child
have more patience
see the wonderful miracle pregnancy is
and NEVER take it for granted.

What wisdom
and yet I am sure that as I live I will see even more tidbits of wisdom in our experience with miscarriage.

As I said above, I am filled with such a gratitude
for a loving Heavenly Father who helped me and stayed by my side comforting me with his spirit. I know that if I had not been able to rely on Him and my faith I would not look back on my experiences to see them as wonderful learning experiences.

What more can I say than that my heart is so full and I am so grateful.

"...Know thou, my [child],
that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good."
--Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

My decision

2009-05-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

The time when we will stop birth control and get pregnant is getting closer and so I have been thinking about how I am going to do things once that happens. I have been trying to decide if I should tell everyone as soon as we find out I am pregnant again or if we should wait until after we find out if everything is looking good. After thinking about it for awhile and weighing it out I have decided that I am going to wait to tell people until we know that things are going good. What I have decided is that I will work on a post that will be formatted like a journal where I will write about when we start trying, find out we are pregnant, doctors appointments, news etc. that I will post after we find out that things are going good or if we find out things are not going good. That way people can know what happened if they want to know. Either way, I will let you know what happened. I may decide later that this is not what I want to do and just spill the beans, but for now this is my plan.

The time is getting closer to when we will start TTC again (aka: stop birth control) after a year break and I am a little nervous. I will feel a lot more comfortable about this pregnancy because of our really proactive game plan. We have never done anything different or had any kind of plan of action with any other pregnancies, so it is nice to know that we have a very proactive plan. We have finally planned to do all of the things that we felt we should do after our second miscarriage and even stronger after our third miscarriage and talked to about half a dozen doctors who all have come to an agreement about what our plan of action should be. So even though it will be scary to stop birth control and start our fourth pregnancy, I feel comfortable because we have done everything we could and made the plan that we felt we should do. The reason I will feel more comfortable with this pregnancy is because I know that I can put it completely in Heavenly Father's hands and I know that what ever happens is the best for us. I would be so happy to have a baby but if it wasn't the right time I love my life SOOO much right now and I would be so happy to have more time with my wonderful husband just the two of us. So it is nice to know that with the worse case scenario, I would still be very very happy. It is good knowing that as we are getting closer to starting again and going into everything.

But I would request a favor of those who wouldn't mind helping. Because the time is getting closer, it would be a huge favor if people would keep us and our soon-to-be baby in their prayers. And for those of you Mormon readers out there, it would be a huge favor if you could remember our little family while you are fasting next fast Sunday. Thank you all for the support and love! :)

P.S. do you remember this post? I think I may have found my camera!! I am so excited and I think if I don't find a better deal I may get it! And then I can really start my photography business like I have always dreamed!!! :) :)

Looking back and looking inward

2009-04-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

This is not an announcement at all. We are still waiting for the time to feel right to get pregnant. But I do feel that this trial is getting closer to being over and so recently I have been thinking about the ways that I have grown and changed during the time of this experience. The Relief Society lesson today was on the 120, 121 and 122 sections of the doctrine and covenants and was about trials. So naturally I started to think of the trials that I am experiencing right now. I had so many thoughts during the lesson but one of them stuck out to me and I felt like I should share it during the lesson and also on this blog plus some I did not have time to say (and I did not talk specifically about the trial either). And this is it:

If I were given the opportunity to change the past and have our first baby due August of 2007 I would not even consider it. I would never EVER want to give up this experience because through it I have grown so much closer to my Heavenly Father and my testimony has grown so much. I would never give the dark times of this trial for an easy out because it is during those times that I have felt the Lord by me in ways that I have never felt in any other situation and at any other time. My most sacred and spiritual experiences have been during the times of extreme emotional pain when I cried out to my Savior for help and I was overcome by peace. It has not been easy but that is why I am so thankful for this experience. I feel that I have grown in ways during this trial that I would not have been able to do in any other situation. I would never trade those amazing and special experiences of feeling the Savior so close and knowing he cares so much about me for a baby at the wrong time. I have learned so much about myself and about my relationship with my Savior and I can see the divine point of trials in our life. I have looked back at the little immature 20 year old that was pregnant with her first baby and I can see that how this trial really has made me such a more grounded person. When I was first pregnant, I wanted a baby because it sounded fun and basically wanted a play doll. Now I want OUR children at the right time so that I can help them mature into the servants of God they are meant to be. It has not been an easy path, but through it all I can see the wisdom of a loving Heavenly Father in allowing me to go through this trial. I have come to be so much more grateful for every blessing in our lives because I know that everything is given to us at the perfect time by a perfect God. I can see now how this trial will help me be a better mom for our special children, just as I was told in a blessing. I have learned so much and grown so much and now feel more ready to be the mother for my children like my mom was for me. And it is through this experience that I have felt the love and concern and care of my Savior for me in the most tangible way. Why would I give all this up for something before it is the right time and something that will come, but at the perfect time? I feel that this experience has made my life real and made me more of a substantial and real person. Everyone has those times where after an experience they come out a more real and whole person and this is mine. I was so used to having the perfect life where nothing went wrong before this experience. I had a very strong and loving family who all are strong in the gospel and my best friends. My parents have the most amazing marriage relationship still after 25 years. I was given everything I always wanted and needed as a child. I lived in amazing paradise like places (Laguna Beach, California). I always had supportive and caring friends. I always had a very strong testimony of the Savior. I meet my husband when I was barely 18 years old and was able to see that he is the most amazing person in the world and then get married at 19 after an perfect and problem free courtship. I am now more in love with my husband after almost 3 1/2 years and I have more fun with him than any other person in the world. I have been given almost 3 1/2 years of perfect time to enjoy my husband. I could go on and on. My life has been so amazingly blessed and ultimately perfect And it is through this experience that I have had my testimony and view of life tried. But it is through this experience that my testimony and view of life is a million times more strong and real. Why would I give up having my testimony strengthened and made more real for something before it is the right time and something that will come, but at the perfect time? The fact is, I wouldnt. I do not look back and think "if I could change this experience I would". I look back and see how much more of a person I have become through this, and this is only because of a loving nad all knowing Heavenly Father. Like I have said before, it has not been an easy process and some of my more tragic and horrible experiences of my life have been during this trial (like all 3 times of finding out that our prescious baby had stopped growing and the excurrtiating pain that comes a long with 3 natural miscarriages for starters). But the scripture that talks about how trials are furances to make you a more purified and stronger person is so real to me now. I have felt this and I have felt the amazing strength that comes when you go to the Lord in desperation during those dark times. The strength that I have through all of this is ONLY because of my loving and merciful savior.

So it is on this easter Sunday that I want to share my knowledge of a loving Savior and the truth that if it wasn't for this knowledge in my Savior I would not be in the place that I am. And I mean this specifically in regards to this trial. I would be a wreck of emotional pain constantly without a glimmer of hope. But it is only because of my Savior that I have hope and faith that he will make this trial be for my good (D&C 122:7) and make all things right in the end. It is only because of my Savior that I am as happy as I am and as peaceful as I am during this trial. And it is only because of my Savior's help and love that I know this trial is supposed to happen and will make me a better person. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior and Heavenly Father love me unconditionally and that they are watching out for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior lives. This easter takes on an even more personal note because I know that there is someone that I can go to when I feel a lone because no one I know personally has gone through the same thing I have and feel like no one really understands. It is because of the atonement that I know that I am not alone and I can turn to someone who knows my situation and has felt the feelings I have felt. Because of this experience my gratitude for the atonement, the reason for our Easter holiday, is so much more personal and so much stronger. My gratitude for a loving Savior is more than I can express and more than I can put to words. It consumes my soul and every time I think of my Savior I am full of a love that I cannot express.

Today in sacrament meeting one of the speakers read a quote that I have to share. It is an amazing quote and makes my gratitude on this season of Easter so much more.

"I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

--Joseph B. Wirthlin "Sunday Will Come"

All of us, in our own personal ways have felt or will feel a "Friday" in our lives. In the wisdom and knowledge of a loving God, we are given these times to make us more humble, more reliant on him, more grateful for the "Sundays" and so many more things. Each of us are supposed to learn and grow in different ways, but we will all be given trials of our own. But, we have an amazing command and promise given to us to help us during our "Fridays" D&C 24:8 "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days". We are commanded to be patient but given the blessing that he will be with us during every moment of our afflictions. What a wonderful blessing. So while we endure our "Fridays" and the darkness seems to stretch on and on, know that our glorious and joy-filled "Sunday" will come. It is during my moments of dispair and "Friday" moments that the personal promises of my "Sunday" make it worth going strong.

I am so thankful for my Savior and all of the wonderful and amazing peace He has blessed me with during the hard times of this trial and during the times he has given me strength. I am truly grateful for the companionship He has been and is to me.

My heart is so full on this Easter Sunday and I know that my Savior lives.

That didn't last long!

2009-03-02T18:29:00.000-08:00

So I decided as I was laying in bed last night that this blog is really for me to record thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I forget about this main reason for my blog and worry about what those reading it will think. But I need to forget that and I realized that if I write something people aren't interested in reading, then they can just skip over it to get to the part that they like. So if I write something you don't care to read then go ahead and skip it. But I am going to write things that happen and not worry that it isn't interesting to everyone else.

Well, on that note last month I decided that I wanted to chart my cycle using the BBT temperature format to get some information and hopefully more leads on what we should do before getting pregnant again. At the end of the month I looked back and realized that I indeed had a short luteal phase and therefore low progesterone. I did know that with BBT charts you need to have a trained doctor look at my charts to determine if this was the case. So I called the doctors office that I wanted to go to when we get pregnant again and asked to make an appointment with a doctor that is trained to read BBT charts. They were able to make me an appointment for the next morning which was a slight miracle in and of itself because that was the last appointment he had free until the middle of March! So I went in and saw him and made a plan to not tell him any of the conclusions I had come to through my research about the things that could be wrong and therefore treatment. I find that when I tell doctors about what I think is my problem all they do is tell me that is right and don't give me any other information and ideas. For most of this journey I have been my very own doctor. So to hopefully get more information, I just waited for him to draw conclusions from my last chart. He did confirm that I have a short luteal phase and this means that my progesterone levels are indeed low (which was confirmed by a day 21 progesterone check--they were SUPER low even though I ovulated). So with this in mind and something that was unknown before any other meeting with a doctor, he gave me a list of things that I can do that would be the most proactive plan that he gives to those others of his patients that have recurrent miscarriage. He gave me like 3 more very very proactive things that I can do to help prevent multiple miscarriage. He said that I can do the other things that the previous doctor who retired on me (the nerve!!) said I should do. But he was a little worried about me taking the Femara because he said that he usually only gives it to those who have a hard time getting pregnant and since we do not have a problem with that he said that our chances for multiples increase more than it does usually for those who take it and have infertility problems. The chances for multiples in our situation is higher than even how high it is in the first place...and I didn't even tell him that the previous doctor wrote me a prescription for a double dose that is now sitting on my refrigerator (I had it filled a couple months ago because I wasn't sure when I would feel it was ready to get pregnant again) so I wonder if that increases my chances even more! haha So needless to say, we are going to pray about that because he was pretty worried about that as he said it is a pretty likely thing. But if it isn't supposed to happen, then it won't. So far we feel good about it and so if we are supposed to have multiples then we will and if not, then we won't. :)

I do know that even if this whole huge proactive plan doesn't work that we are on our path to finding the answer. I have felt strongly I should get as much information and the most proactive plan I can before getting pregnant again. So that is a comfort. There is a chance that it will not work out this time around and with this pregnancy. But it sure is nice to know that I am doing everything I can and now I am placing it in the Lord's hands. It is so incredibly nice to have that comfort.

I do feel REALLY good about this new doctor and I am really excited to have a good doctor that I trust and is proactive. It's funny because I only met with him once, but I had such a good feeling about him as my next doctor. I had such a horrible experience with my last doctors who I was with during my 3rd miscarriage that I wanted to find someone completely new. So I am thankful to have a doctor all set up for when we decide to get pregnant! My other good doctor that I saw was only a specialist and wouldn't deliver babies, but this doctor is not a specialist and so he could deliver our baby(s) if we have them here while we live here. It was so nice that he has a really good plan and he did say that when he puts his other patients who have had a problem with recurrent miscarriage on this plan, it has worked really well for them. So we are glad to have more things to do and more proactive things to do before we get pregnant again. It is nice to have more plans because I feel that with this the time where I feel comfortable to get pregnant again is getting closer. Well I might add some more stuff later but I got to go.

Writers block.

2009-03-01T18:14:00.000-08:00

I am going through writers block with this blog. I am at a lose of what to post about even though we have been finding out more things from doctors and finding out things that the doctors want us to try. We have a lot of proactive things that we are doing and some things that the doctors are more hopeful about. I have been having some great and wonderful experiences and emotions. But I don't know what to write. Things are happening, great news is coming, but for some reason I don't know what to put on this blog. I am worried that talking about our news from the doctors, neat experiences and emotions because I am afraid that people don't really care about that stuff. I also feel weird posting about things like this because I feel like others have it worse. I may take a break from this blog for a possible day or two, week or two, month or two or who knows how long. I don't know what to talk about, what is helpful, what is interesting and what people want to hear. Any ideas would be nice :)

Peace

2009-02-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been updating this as much as I would like to. This last semester has been keeping me really busy! But I just wanted to record some feelings and emotions I have had lately.

In the very recent past (before this post from a couple months ago happened), there was a lot of fear. A lot of questioning and doubt and all those negative emotions. These didn't happen constantly, but they were the underlying emotions through this whole ordeal. I would question blessings and revelation and always expect the worst. But then I had the epiphany I wrote about earlier and things started to dramatically change. I stopped questioning and doubting, but had faith that Heavenly Father would keep his promises. But I was still a little scared of how long it would be. That was the first step. Then after some experiences we had, I started to realize that truly this was the Lord's will and I was being guided. My fear started to disappear but there were still moments of weakness when my old emotions would creep back in.

Then recently, without any huge thing happening and even without my noticing, the fear was replaced with peace and the doubt was replaced with excitement and the questioning was replaced with faith. I hardly could sense it because it was a gradual thing but I finally knew for sure that our kids would come in the Lord's time and that would be the best timing possible. I started to get really excited again and realize that if we did our part, then our special little children would come in the perfect time. I stopped stressing about how long it would take (even though sometimes I still have moments of weakness), if there were things I could do to make it come sooner and even stopped wanting it to come sooner than it should. It was such a wonderful blessing and I truly feel it has been one of the greatest tender mercy. Almost all of the fear, doubt, stress etc. has been taken a way. I say almost because there are moments of weakness. But one day as my hubby and I were going to the temple we started to talk about it and he brought up a scripture and I realized this is exactly what I am going through. It is in Mosiah 24:14 "And I will also ease the burden which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage..." This is exactly how I feel. Even though my trial is not over, I really feel that parts of it are. So, in explanation, even though we still do not have children and I still feel that we should wait & take a break from even trying/getting pregnant again, I feel that the trial of learning to overcome fear, doubt and disappointment is almost over. Like I said before, I still have moments of weakness, but the underlying emotion of this trial has taken a complete 180 degree change and it is now hope, peace, trust in the Savior and reassurance. I truly thank Heavenly Father for this every day because I could not have made this switch without Him.

And honestly, I am starting to truly see even more than I think I ever have how truly blessed My hubby and I are to have this time just the two of us. I always knew that it was a blessing, but unconsciously I would have traded that for a baby any day. But now that I know that it hasn't been nor is it the right time for our kids to come down until they do, I have been able to be so thankful! I realized this the other day as I looked back at our morning which went like this: wake up, take a long nice shower, get completely ready and take as long as I want, make a nice breakfast that I ate with my husband while I dinked around on the computer, read my scriptures for 30 minutes, slowly get ready to go out the door and eventually drive to school with my husband as we laughed and talked. After thinking about that, I realized that this time really has been such a blessing and I have a renewed love for this time in our life. I think it has been a blessing because as I hear others talk about their experiences before having kids, they always mention that they wish they would have enjoyed the time they had with only their spouse more. So now that I have this time before our kids come, I have decided to enjoy it as much as possible. And don't get me wrong, I will be glad and willing to sacrifice the types of days I mentioned above, but at this moment when it is just the two of us and we do have days to spend together, I have truly been enjoying it so much more because one day they will be gone. So why not enjoy life and the stage you are at now while you have it?! If you spend your whole life dreaming about what is coming next, you will look back and realize that you never really lived at all. So I choose to LIVE!!! :)

"Follow Me"

2009-01-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

The other day my hubby and I were walking to the car in the parking lot and it had been a long day so I was really tired. So I closed my eyes and told my hubby to lead me to the car. We decided to play a game. He told me I wasn't allowed to open my eyes at all and just had to trust him to lead me to the car. So I played along and didn't last very long. I would feel the ground go up a little and open my eyes. I would see the shadow of the telephone poles through my eyelids and I was afraid I was going to run in to something and open my eyes. Every little thing at first would make me stop, open my eyes and lose trust that my hubby would never let me run in to something. Even though I completely, 100 % trust him, I was still scared and would still open my eyes to make sure he was really watching. We were laughing so hard, because it was so riduculous that I kept opening my eyes just because the light changed.

So finally after a couple times of me stopping & opening my eyes, we changed the rules of the game so that I was not allowed to open my eyes at all. That was so hard! There were times when I was tempted to open my eyes and I would slow down or just stop until I was okay to keep going. But after awhile, I realized I was totally safe. Also, my hubby was laughing at me because I would keep pulling him the way I thought the car was, when it was completely in the opposite direction that I thought it wasSo then he would laugh and just put me on the right path. And the little fears that I would trip on something or run into something would make me cower and grab a hold of him. But when I would actually hold tighter to his arm rather than stop walking completely, I would gain more trust in him to safely lead me to the car. But the weirdest thing was when we finally made it to our goal (the car) and I opened my eyes. I looked back to where I had first closed my eyes and while he was leading me with my eyes closed it felt like we had been walking forever and seemed so much longer than it should be. I thought for sure he was taking me a long way to tease me. But looking back as I was waiting for my hubby to open my door, I realized it really wasn't that long at all and he took the most direct shot to the car. At that moment, it was almost as if we had stimulated my trial (and this can apply to anyone else trials no matter what it is) and all of these realizations hit both of us at the same time. I realized this:

1. The road can somedays seem so long (like some of the days at the beginning of the semester for me when I was trying to decide about my major) and some times I wonder why it has to take so long and why I have to hit so many (what I think are) roadblocks to have our children. Somedays I am weak, I get tired of "walking" and I feel like it is going forever & taking to long. But I know that I will look back and realize it wasn't that long and it was the most "direct" (or right) path for me. I thought for sure my hubby was taking me on the longest path back to the car, but it wasn't the case at all. I know I will look back and see that the Lord was taking me the way I need to go. Also, sometimes I would pull the opposite way because I was sure that the quickest way to the car was not where he was leading me. But how could I have known?? I couldn't see, but yet I still thought I knew the way. How many times during a trial do we think that we know the best way for us to go? I realized that I am sure I pull more than I think, assuming that I know the best/quickest way for me to get to my goal. But just as I couldn't see because my eyes were closed, I cant see where I am going now and so just as I stopped pulling after I realized I really had no idea where I was going, all of us (and me included!!) need to stop pulling the Lord the way we think we "should" go. Because we are blind to our future and what really is best, we need to trust in the one who is not blind to our future and what really is best.

2. When the road would become uneven or light was changed because a telephone pole was blocking the sun for an instant, I would stop because I was afraid that mu hubby might run me into something and I might hurt myself. I thought back of all the times that I get scared because someone or something tells me something that makes me lose hope/faith, or I get discouraged, or I get scared of the future (wondering how many more miscarriages are in my future), or the unknown stresses me out etc. just because of something that I think is there and it's not. I get scared of the shadows of different ominous aspects of this trial (like getting scared that there are no kids in my future which would make the Lord & Heavenly Father & the Holy Ghost complete liars which I KNOW they are not) even though they are not in my path at all. In reality there was no telephone pole in my path to the car, but I was scared there was just because of a shadow. How many times are we afraid of little shadows that really are nothing to be scared of? How many times do we let these little shadows stop our progress because we allow fear to replace faith? I realized that we have so many fears in our lives, so many stresses but if we are being led by Christ and ALLOW his to be led, then our fears are just "shadows".

3. my hubby had his eyes open and he loves me more than I have ever dreamed I could be loved. And the amazing thing is, Heavenly Father loves me more than anyone else could love me. Considering this, I can know without a doubt that just as my hubby took me on the best possible path to the car that my Heavenly Father will also take me on the best possible path through life. This knowledge is why I KNOW that Heavenly Father loves me even though I am going through this trial. I can know that He will watch my path very closly and keep me safe and only let me go through the things that are the best for me.

I am walking this path with the Lord and I know that I am not alone at any second of this path I am on right now. I am being led, blessed and upheld as I walk blindfolded down this path.

Also, after my hubby talked about all the ways that experience was like life I thought of a poem I was given in a class last year. I will post it later tonight after I get home from a meeting.

"Have you ever wondered what it must have been like to have lived in the days of the Savior? If you had been there, would you have heeded His call “Follow me”? Perhaps a more realistic question might be, “If the Savior were to call you today, would you be just as willing to leave your nets and follow Him?"
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

It makes ALL the difference!

2009-01-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

I don't really know where to start and how to express myself. It is such a simple thing. It may not seem like anything special or important. As a Mormon, we talk about it a lot, read it on almost every page in the Book of Mormon and probably have this single word somewhere in our house. I don't think it was until I went through this experience that I truly understood it for myself.

Faith.

We hear about it all the time, we talk about it and read talk after talk after talk from general authorities about it. But do I truly know what faith is? I think I have began to understand this simple yet magnificently deep principle. It has made ALL the difference for me. After going through the experience I talked about below and others that I haven't written, the pain of miscarriage has been decreased so much that it has almost disappeared. Through faith my pain has disappeared and in it's place is a reassurance and a joy that brings a smile to my face every time I think of it. But I can't tell you exactly how, when or what it is because I truly feel that faith is different for every person. However, gaining my faith has brought so much peace and happiness to my soul. I know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father will keep his promises and that each day and each miscarriage brings me closer to the promises I have been given. The feelings I have felt remind me of this scripture that I love:

"...I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in Godeven so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day."

This is so true. I have found that when my faith/trust is less than it should be, I feel more encompassed about by pain and hurt from my trials. But when I put my trust and faith in Heavenly Father, the pain disperses and my joy and love for my Savior increases and even though I still might miscarry in the future, I feel that I have been delivered from the pain of this trial. It is so simple, but faith has made all of the difference for me.

Also, last night my hubby and I both had a very special spiritual experience together regarding our children. I won't go into detail, but what I did want to write about was something I realized as I recorded it in my journal. If we had not been reading our scriptures as a family and saying family prayers, this experience would not have happened. After this experience, I realized that the Lord does use small and simple means to bring about the important. It was through the simple act of reading scriptures together, that a great experience happened.

You know they say that sometimes people need something big to really bring them to Christ and increase their faith. Well, I know that this is supposed to help me and I really feel that this experience is teaching me more than I would in any other experience. Looking back at who I was when I started and who I am today, I can really understand what the Lord meant when He told me that this experience is for my good. Honestly, I wouldn't change the past. I wouldn't give up the growing and the relationship I have with my Savior for our children when they weren't supposed to come. I can see now that this experience would teach me so much and the Lord truly is all knowing. I was also told in a blessing that this experience would help me children and my posterity and I am beginning to see how that is possible. My hubby and I were talking about all the stories and the miracles we have experienced that we can tell our children about our journey of bringing them to our family. I think those stories, the miracles and the spiritual experiences we have had about them will help them understand how special they are and many other things. It sure is interesting to look back though and see how different I am from the beginning to now... But through it all, and all the things that I have learned through this experience is that we should truly rely on the scriptures. I was just thinking about how much this has helped and wanted to share a chapter that I have decided to read everyday on top of my daily reading. It is Ether chapter 12 and it talks all about the importance of faith in our life. It is a gem. But this little sentance has been such a strength to me: "And they obtained not the promise until AFTER their faith." This has helped me realize that I have promises made from the spirit and that these will only come until after I have faith. This has helped me at times when the adversary tries to destroy my faith to stay strong and not give in to despair.

It really has made all the difference.

"And neither at any time hath any wrought miracles until AFTER their faith..." Ether 12: 18
"...For I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supposed in their trials." Alma 36:3

If Sarah can do it...

2008-12-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

I know that on our family blog, I mentioned that I wanted to take a break from blogging during winter break, but I had a cool experience about a week ago, and I wanted to write it down because except spiritual/personal experiences I have, I am recording a lot of things here and using it as a journal.

I was a bad girl, and started a book during finals. Yeah I know. For most people, that doesn’t mean much, but for me when I get into a book, I read until I can’t read anymore (which usually ends at like 2:30 am) and only stop if I have to. Luckily, despite the fact I was reading a good book, I still finished the semester with all A’s. But, I read an amazing book. It is called “Sarah” by Orson Scott Card and it is a fictional account of Sarah, the wife of Abraham. Obviously, he takes a lot of creative freedom but not only was it good, but it made a HUGE impact on me. He delved into her own infertility battle, and showed her feelings as she went through that experience. And here is what affected me the most. She went through years and years of infertility, never being able to get pregnant. She was an old women, and even in these times of technology, she would be beyond hope and most likely, there would be nothing they could do for her. But, she was given promises from the Lord telling her she would have children. There were times when she would get scared, but her husband kept reassuring her that she was promised the Lord will always keep his promises if we keep our end of the deal by staying worthy. I realized that with each of my next miscarriages, my chances of having children (according to modern medicine) go down, and that thought has made me so much more scared. I almost get panicky trying to think of things I can do to make sure our next ones work out for that reason. And after 14 months of trying to have kids, and during that time having 3 miscarriages and being pregnant for 9 months, most people would tell me that I have every reason to lose hope. But, as I was reading that book, I remembered all of the promises we have both been given by the spirit (which are too sacred to go into) and if Heavenly Father kept his promises to Sarah, even when so much time had passed (or in my case, so many miscarriages have passed) and everyone, including herself had given up hope she would have children, I KNOW He will keep the promises he made to me. After realizing this, I have really began to understand the trust and faith in Heavenly Father principal and have felt an added measure of the spirit as I have turned all my hope and faith to the promises I have been given. It was such a wonderful realization, and even IF everyone else tells me that I am beyond hope, doctors and friends included, I have a burning hope in my faith that Heavenly Father will keep his promises. I obviously have to keep my promises and my side of the deal by reading my scriptures everyday, sincerely praying, and all the other things (but those are essential!!!) but after I do those, I can have complete faith in my Savior. This has been my answer to my hope battle (which I am sure everyone picked up on like here, here, here, here, especially here etc.) I was having a hard time knowing where to put my hope and what to hope in. But now I know. Everyone would tell me this, the scriptures would tell me, and I would know where to put it, but it wasn’t real and I hadn’t really learned how to do it. But through this experience and the culmination of all my other wonderful blessings, I can now say that I have put my hope and my faith completely on my Heavenly Father. Through this, I have learned where to put it, through this experience and through all the other experiences I have a head of me. I don’t have faith in myself, because I can’t do it without Heavenly Father. I don’t have faith in medicine, because unless it is the right time no amount of medicine will make it happen. I don’t have faith in friends (even though I love you all SOOO much and you are all wonderful), because they really don’t know exactly what I am going through. I don’t have faith in quick fixes, for the same reason I don’t have faith in medicine. And the list goes on and on. I do have faith in my Heavenly Father and I know that 1. he will keep his promises 2.he will keep his promises at the perfect time 3. what ever I go through will help me in the end 4. he is the ultimate source of hope and peace 4. he is the ultimate source of comfort 5. he is the ultimate source of strength 6. he is the ultimate source of happiness etc. and with that as my ultimate source, every other source (like my WONDERFUL husband, my friends, my parents, my family etc.) are great additions to help me. But it all comes back to my Heavenly Father. Also, I realized that if we do not have faith then miracles cannot happen. I really really feel that, and makes the importance of gaining real faith even more important. One night I was flipping through the scriptures realizing that in every scripture that talks about miracles and Heavenly Father blessing us after a trial of our faith, it all comes AFTER we have faith. People may try to say that there is nothing we can do, and we are just waiting on Heavenly Fathers timing. But I really do not agree. I think that if we want the full measure of our blessings after the trial of our faith, we need to have real faith. This is vital.

Also, I have talked to people about my experiences and some asked if I think that Heavenly Father is mad at me or hates me. Honestly, I think it is the COMPLETE opposite. I know that Heavenly Father is allowing me to go through this, only BECAUSE he loves me and wants me to be stronger. I have never thought that Heavenly Father is mad at me or hates me or angry at me, because I have felt the spirit confirm something completely opposite. Thinking that would make things so much worse, and I would tell anyone struggling with those thoughts to pray for help to get rid of those kind of thoughts because it is not true.

I know this may not seem any different from any other post, but sometimes things spiritual are hard to explain. There are so many other things that I have realized along with this, but they are hard to explain and it would take longer than I want to take on this post. Just know that I have figured out my hope battle and I am so thankful for good books and the spirit! Everyone who is going through infertility should read this book! It’s a great book. But through this experience, my faith has grown so much of my Heavenly Father and every time I think of Him, I am overpowered with love and my eyes fill with tears. I am so thankful for his love and for the knowledge I have that he is there for me every step of the way...

Running a marathon

2008-12-03T15:28:00.000-08:00

Putting it bluntly, this part of my battle with miscarriage is hard. Situations like this, when I have to make serious and big decisions, make me feel the test even greater.

Now a disclaimer: I am in the brunt of it, so things sound and seem worse...chances are, once I write this I will be fine. Just like this post, I feel renewed and strengthened a lot after the hard time, but still, the hard times exist.

I think I may have mentioned before that I want to get tested for a uterine septum as soon as possible especially with the Christmas break coming up. Well I put off calling the doctor to find out about it, forgot and then called and called and called...finally I got a call back (don't get me wrong, I love doctors, but sometimes they are hard to get a hold of) and I find out that it has to be done at a certain point in my cycle (which with my cycles, is nearly impossible to pin-point). So I have to get it done a couple days after we were planning to leave for Christmas break. And if I don't take that appointment, I will have to wait for the next point in my cycle which would land me at the beginning of the semester. This is rough because (if needed) classes + surgery is horrible. blah blah blah. It's just hard because I can stress myself out thinking that time is passing, but then I can't ignore the prompting I have had to get tests done before we get pregnant again. It's just hard to know what tests to get, how many to get, when to stop, when to do them etc. etc. This is the part of the miscarriage battle I don't like. And I don't know what's going on because every decision I have to make right now just ends up with confusion and fear. I had decided to do photography (Which is still exciting), but the way I want to do it I cant decide. Do I stick with my current degree or change my degree to finish early? I make a decision and get scared. luckily I know that I want to do photography, but the how is the decision that seems impossible to make. Then add onto that: how many tests do I do before getting pregnant next time? Do I wait until after I graduate? When should I do them? Do I put my education on a back burner so I can focus on tests? How many more tests do they even have for me? What if I don't do a certain test I need to do at a certain point? Yeah I know I shouldn't stress out about that stuff, and logically I see that I am just giving my self more situations to stress out but it's hard to see that at times like this. It's times like these, when Heavenly Father steps back and requires me to make a decision when I flounder. It's like when Heavenly Father asked the brother of Jared to figure out how to light the barges and doesn't tell him how to do it. That is exactly what I feel is going on. I feel like Heavenly Father is being silent as I make a decision. Yikes, this could sound bitter or angry and please believe me I AM NOT AT ALL!! I just get scared when I am left to myself to make a decision. I am already indecisive so maybe this is to help me get over that haha :) Luckily, I know that if I make the wrong decision Heavenly Father will stop me before I get too far, but it's making the decision and going down the path that is scary for me! Today was neat though. My hubby has started a practicum for his seminary teaching class, where he teaches 2 classes a day for a week (it is going AWESOME and he LOVES it!!) and yesterday he was randomly asked by one of the teachers to teach another class (having 2 classes is unheard of in a practicum--even the full-time teachers said it would be too hard for them, so he was excited when he got another class) so this morning I went to go with him to watch. At the beginning of the extra class, the teacher was talking to another guy doing his practicum and going over some points from the scriptures. I sat down and (as I do...) started to eavesdrop on their conversation. But it sounded like the seminary teacher was talking to me. He said "Now another thing you could teach from the story of Saul is this: if you are doing everything you can to be righteous and you make a decision that you think is right but it is not, Heavenly Father will not let you go too much farther down the path with that decision." Then he repeated it again! It was so amazing. So even though I feel like Heavenly Father is testing me by not telling me what to do, he is sending me very tender mercies to let me know that he trusts me and giving me reasurrances that "you can do this"! It was really a neat experience, and I knew that not getting an answer despite my many many prayers is a test of an all-knowing loving Heavenly Father and I just need to make a decision and pray that if it is not right, I will know. It is so cool and wonderful that during trials and times when I feel like my strength & endurance is running out, that I get little shots of "spiritual energy" that helps me keep running forward. I really feel like that is what has been happening through my struggle with recurrent miscarriage.

I have been running alot, and so I feel like this trial is like me running a marathon and at times when I feel like I can't go on, and the emotional strain is getting to hard to handle (like the stress of making these big decisions), Heavenly Father is waiting at the sidelines when a huge bottle of water and a pat on the back telling me to keep going, it will all turn out in the end, that I will have a wonderful life and that this trial is for my good (D&C 122:7). Then I keep running, with a renewed strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's hard running a marathon (or running long distances at all), but I know it is worth it because my Heavenly Father has told me it will be and I completely trust Him. There is a certain point you get at when you are running, especially if you really push yourself (which I like to do) where you feel like you can't go on and you just have to stop. Now, I don't feel that worn out or anything with my trial at all. But, Some days it is hard to push myself harder and keep going when I get tired of this trial. However, I have found with running that if you just keep going, once you get over that point that it gets easier and you get a "runners high". I feel like Heavenly Father has helped pull me over that point (or is pulling) and I am starting to get that "runners high" regarding this trial. It is hard, just like pushing your body to run hard is not easy, but I feel the blessings and the amazing growth that comes with relying on the Lord while I "run". How blessed I am to know that I can rely on Him when I feel weak and I get scared.

And so I keep running...
**So yes, I feel 100% better after writing that out. So thank you for joining me on that little journey haha...Also, I am really sorry my posts are always so long. I know I have said this a million times, but writing is a great way for me to work through feelings and thoughts, and so you just get to see some of the things I need to write out. This is mainly for me, and long novels is how I roll :) Also, a lack of paragraphs... haha. But, I think you can deal with it if you really want to know what is happening :)**

note: For my quote, I happened to find an amazing article (that EVERYONE should read) by a wonderful man who passed away this week. I put this on here in tribute to him--
"Though our trials are diverse, there is one thing the Lord expects of us no matter our difficulties and sorrows: He expects us to press on. I testify that in the eternities, as we look back upon our little span of existence here on this earth, we will lift our voices and rejoice that, in spite of the difficulties we encountered, we had the wisdom, the faith, and the courage to endure and press on." --Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin from "Press on" in November 2004 issue of the Liahona

ANOTHER tender mercy

2008-11-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

As you have seen in my last post, I have had some conflicting feelings about my degree. I know that I am supposed to go to college, but haven't felt totally confident with my choice. I love the classes and the things I have learned, but it didn't feel right. All of my life I have loved photography and find so much joy while I am taking pictures. However, I never thought that photography would be very practical, and so I never considered it. But the other day I woke up thinking "I need to call ____ to take pictures with her and her cute pregnant belly to help grow my portfolio". And after that, I started thinking about starting a business doing the thing I love so much. As someone battling with miscarriage one of my requirements of a degree is something that will help focus me on something else, rather that it is so labor intensive that I cannot even have a second to think about anything else. It was nice to have something to put my sights on and help me live a goal that is important in my life. But I always thought it had to be something that stressed me out so much, I wouldn't have any energy to think of anything else stressful. It worked pretty well, until I realized I was stressing myself out too much and since I have always been pregnant while being in school that added stress was making the pregnancies extra horrible.
So anyways, after waking up I decided to become a photographer and then it dawned on me. I can try to change my major to photography and it will meet all of my requirements for a college degree. Instead of using the intense stress as a distraction, I could use a love of something as a distraction. I started making a grad plan, and got SO excited about spending the next couple months of my life studying photography, which brings me so much joy!! So with thinking about photography, making that plan and looking at the classes, I decided to take my sister out and take some pictures of her. I had sooooo much fun. Then I came home and started to fix them up. After looking at my final product, all day, and even some of the next day, I felt a fulfillment from doing a hobby than I have felt in a long time. Days after I felt so fulfilled. It was an amazing feeling. It was so much fun and I realized I had found what I should do with my life while I wait for our kids, and after we have kids. I have several relatives who are professional photographers and they said it is the best job ever because you can do as much or as little as you want, and each of them have 5 kids and still make enough money to buy all new furniture for their house!
So, I have decided to actively try to change my major around and pull some strings so that I can study photography. It has ALWAYS been a dream of mine to be a photographer and I am excited to pursue it and enjoy this time doing something I love. And even if I don't get the major chance, then I am still going to pursue photography as a career because luckily, I can do it without a degree.
I am so excited. I really feel that Heavenly Father has given me this idea and opportunity so that I can do something that I truly truly enjoy and increase a hobby/talent that I have as a job. So since I am doing this seriously, either as a professional photographer with a photography major or without a photography major THIS (or something very similar) is in my near future....
I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!! With this little baby, my photography career will change and it will be so much better. I really consider this an amazing tender mercy of my Heavenly Father and I am so thankful that I have been blessed with this opportunity to be something I have always wanted to be, while I wait for another thing I have always wanted to be.

O and if you are curious, here is my blog with some selected of my pictures. Check them out!

Tough decisions

2008-11-22T19:08:00.000-08:00

Recently, I had an idea. With my current degree, I have two pretty rigorous semesters planned which would land my graduation date in July. But, if I get another degree then I could graduate in April with a REALLY easy schedule. Here is my reasoning: I could graduate earlier and concentrate on doing tests, staying/being pregnant and everything else I might need to do to have kids. I would put that money away to pay for tests to find out what is wrong. But do I want to give away a degree which I find really interesting just for something that might not work?? There is a chance that after tests they will say I am completely fine, and it's just been bad luck and I will have changed my major in vain. But then again, I talked to the doctor the other day and he said that 1. my adrenal gland probably has nothing to do with our miscarriages 2. the only other thing we can do is a special ultrasound to see if there is something wrong with my uterus (specifically to check for a Septum...look it up if you are curious, it is kind of hard to explain) and genetic counseling (which I really don't want to do until later because it is expensive & fruitless...all it tells you is that you can never have children and you will have to adopt...so I think we will wait until Richard has a steady job). So basically, I have two tests left. Everything else has come back perfect. So now I am trying to desperately decide what to do about college!! I go to change, and I get scared. I decide to not change, and I get scared. I have no idea what to do. I get cold feet after each decision.

But then my wonderful husband had a good idea. Instead of waiting for a 4th miscarriage to do tests & not do anything other than the plan my doctor has (femara to increase progesterone, progesterone suppositories during pregnancy etc.) we have decided to do the special ultrasound asap and then decide on the change of major with those results. We have decided that if they come back with problems which require surgery then I will graduate in April to work and if they come back perfect then I will stay with my current major. Basically, because according to this doctor I went to last, says that is the last test other than genetic counseling. The hubby & I think that they wont find an answer (just like my mom & aunt) and we will just have to do trial & error. So if that is the case, then we will just get pregnant, have a miscarriage, get pregnant, have a miscarriage and repeat until we have a baby. I am scared to do that because emotionally, that is horrible...well and physically too (anyone who has been through a miscarriage knows they hurt SOOOO bad). So this could be an interesting next couple years and everytime I think of that, I am so glad I am pretty young!!

Anyone else know of any other tests they can do?! I have had the lupus/anticougulant blood work done=perfect; I am definitely not over 35 (or even close...); going to check for uterus problems; I don't have PCOS (my doc doesn't even want to check that because he says he is almost 100% sure I dont have that); no thyroid or diabete problems; no infections...but I guess I should probably ask the doc because he knows best! :)

Sorry for all the unconnected & long thoughts...sometimes it just helps to get it out...

But in closing I have two thoughts. First, I have got to say that I am SO thankful for college!! I can get a great education learning awesome, interesting things and at the same time make myself so busy that I can't hardly entertain a thought about how hard this is! Secondly & most importantly, I have realized something else. I can only do so much, and then I have to realize that I am in the hands of the Lord. I can do tests & try to find the answer, but in the end the answer is simply, that it is not the right time for our kids to come to us. I can't rush that, and so much peace comes when I realize that I can't make it come any sooner or any later by doing or not doing tests. All I have to do, is stay close to the spirit so that if there are tests & things I need to do that will help us have kids, I will be able to act on those promptings. If I stay close to the spirit, then the best will happen and I will have the directing that I need. So here I go on the road of tests, realizing that if every comes up perfect, then I will leave the rest to Him.

“The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.” --Elder Wirthlin in "Come What May, and Love It"

All knowing

2008-11-16T22:23:00.000-08:00

I was thinking tonight. I was remembering back to the first months of our marriage 3 years ago, and how we wanted to be parents. But, interestingly enough, instead of feeling the spirit prompt and witness to us that we should have children, like we expected, we had a different answer. A very strong feeling we shouldn't start trying. I thought that was odd. Then in a blessing right after we started to try a couple months later, I was told I would go through something others would think was hard, but I wouldn't think it was. That wording is so interesting because as it is hard somedays, all in all (because of many tender mercies etc.), I do not consider this hard. On and on and on the list goes and I come to this conclusion: this was always in the plan. These have never been "a mistake". It has never been a fluke. This was planned. This was supposed to happen. All of this is helping me get to my end goal and He knew that this would help me get there. Knowing that my life has and is in the hands of the Lord makes the anxiety disappear. This is a wonderful thing to help "grow" faith (during this trial I have felt my faith and hope grow and grow and grow). When I get rid of the thought that there is something wrong with my body I have to fix, stress and worry about it, I have a knowledge that has been brought to my attention by the spirit which is: my body has been working exactly as it should...for the experiences that I need to go through. There is no amount of research and studying that I can do to reverse that. Simply put, my body will work "correctly" (or as the world sees as correctly) when it is supposed to, and not a moment later.

So my testimony of another facet of my Heavenly Father has grown. He really is, completely 100% all knowing. He knew in our early months, that I shouldn't start trying, because I needed to go through this sanctification and growing experience. He also knew that I would need that knowledge that this was supposed to happen to help me not be too sad about all of it.

I have had other thoughts, but I need to go to bed...

Tender Mercy

2008-11-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

My heart is so full of peace and gratitude. First off, I want to say that I am so thankful for such a loving and wonderful Savior.

So two days, as you saw in my post, I was losing hope and suffering because of it. Well yesterday I woke up and began the day with a tender mercy. It was a wonderful, spiritual experience that Richard and I had which helped revitalize my hope and completely strengthen it. We both went through the day with a wonderful peace and reaffirmation of some other spiritual experiences we have had regarding our children. All day I walked around with a smile on my face, and so did Richard, as well as peace from the spirit which lingered from this wonderful tender mercy. It showed me the love that my Savior has for me personally and how he knows what I am going through, and blesses me with strength every once and a while to keep going. This has been one of many very spiritual experiences regarding our children, and it has helped me so much to stay strong through all of this. This tender mercy/spiritual experience has also made me even more determined to stay strong no matter what is ahead, because I know that our special children will come at some point. It could be that we were given this tender mercy because I may have 2 or 3 more miscarriages to endure (or 1- 1 1/2 years left before they come...or more) and these spiritual experiences will help me through the dark times right after a miscarriage (those are the worse times). It is so neat to see the Lord's hand in my life, helping me through the darkness, and picking me up when I have a hard day.

I will finish this later, and include all the thoughts I have had lately. I just wanted to put this down on here before I forgot and get too busy. I am so thankful and so humbled by the fact that Heavenly Father is in charge of my life.

Just one of those days.

2008-11-12T19:54:00.000-08:00

I am eating ice cream.
Yes, I had an off day today.

I don't know why, but I just did. Once again, it had everything to do with losing hope and getting afraid of what is ahead. I had a pretty unproductive day because of having a hard time too. One of the few days this has happened too. Kinda upset with myself, because I kept doing what I know I shouldn't: relying on the arm of flesh (aka: reading things on the internet that steal my hope away). Why do I always do that? Who knows. I think I might ban myself from doing that...

I am also having a hard time not being stressed about the fact we have waited 8 months (since our last miscarriage) to get pregnant again. And that is to today, and we haven't even decided when we want to start. It stresses me out that time is passing, but yet we have both felt strongly we need to go to the doctor, find things out and not try until we have some things to possibly help the next pregnancy. So luckily that doesn't make me regret it. But still, time is passing, and it scares me. If I would have gotten pregnant 3 months after our miscarriage, like I could have, I would have been about 3 months pregnant. But, I have learned from many experiences, I should not ignore any whisperings from the spirit when it comes to my situation. Still, time passing is scary in this situation...

But I actually had a wonderful thing happen as I talked to Richard. We both shared some very strong feelings that we have, which gave me a lot of comfort. It is nice to hear some of the things that he feels, when I am having a hard time. We had a very spiritual conversation, sharing some of the things the spirit has witnessed to us regarding our very special children. That helped me a lot, realizing that if I need to go through this in order to be a better mother for my children, then so be it. But, it is still hard on days like today when the little stabs don't seem to stay in the background of my mind.

After talking to Richard he said something that really helps me. He said "at least we have each other" and it is so true. At least I have my wonderful, amazing, perfect husband that is my biggest strength, second only to my Savior and His peace through the spirit.

But when this trial is over and we finally have our children, these are the kind of days that I won't miss very much. Just these normal days when nothing out of the norm happens, but when the little stabs go a tad bit deeper.

"Cast... all your care upon him; for he careth for you"
--1 Peter 5:7

Faith and hope

2008-11-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

For some reason I have been wanting to post more. I just do it whenever I feel like it, and I think it is because I have been running in to really amazing things lately (like the article from yesterday). Well, I am in a New Testament class, and we were studying Hebrew 11, which I am sure you all know is a chapter on faith. Well last night, I was in a "hope" slump, questioning promises (BAD girl!!) and scared that we would ever be blessed with children. Last night it seemed like all the tests, studies, information on miscarriage etc. basically told me (of course, this is what I felt like they were telling me late at night, during a weak moment...) I was a hopeless case. I finally just made myself go to sleep, because it wasn't productive and probably really unproductive to think that way, praying for help (and forgiveness for questioning blessings...) until I was finally asleep.

Today, as I was doing my homework on this section and read some of my professors lecture, I feel like my prayers were answered.

"What is faith? To render Paul's words a little differently but more accurately according to the Greek text, and to emphasize the insight from the JST, it is the assurance (the firm foundation) of what we hope for; it is the solid conviction that we will receive blessings promised to us.

Paul's examples show that great men and women of old had nothing but God's promises to rest on. Outside of this, they had not a single thread of proof that any of the blessings would ever be fulfilled. Abraham lived in a tent all his days as did his sons and grandsons. Outward evidence suggested that God's promise of giving the land to Abraham might not be kept. Yet such trust and confidence did the ancient Saints have that they directed the whole course of their lives toward receiving the promises. All the promises related to the future, but the faithful acted as if they were already present.

What Paul said was that faith is simply taking God at his word and acting accordingly. Things that were yet future to them and are history to us were present to their eyes of faith. One could say, then, that faith gives substance to our hopes; it makes them become reality.

Faith is the principle of action in both God and man. There is a higher faith in God, which is the principle of action in all intelligent beings. So Paul noted that, "Through faith we understand the worlds were framed by the word of God" (Heb. 11:3).

Inseparably sealed to faith is hope. In a way, hope precedes faith and drives it (Moro. 7:40). When there is no hope that one can get something desired, there is no action, and thus, there is no faith. But when there is hope and high desire, great energy can be expended and the prize can be won.

Saving hope must center in the Savior (Ps. 31:24; 42:5, 11; 43:5; 146:5). Its drive moves one toward salvation in the kingdom of God (Lam. 3:21; Acts 24:15; Rom. 8:24-25;Heb. 11:1; Col. 1:5, 23), and without hope, the driving force, there can be no salvation. Speaking to the Lord, Moroni said, ". . . thou hast prepared a house for man, yea, even among the mansions of thy Father, in which man might have a more excellent hope; wherefore man must hope, or he cannot receive an inheritance in the place which thou hast prepared" (Ether 12:32)."

So there is my answer. I must hope and be as those before me, and even when everyone is saying contrary to my promises, I need to have hope and therefore faith in my Savior. It's that simple, but yet so hard. One day I have it, and I feel like my hope is there despite what anyone tells me (like "maybe you aren't suppose to have kids?" and blah blah blah). But then other times, like last night, my hope was gone. I guess that is what this trial is all about. This is probably something I need to learn, and hopefully one day I will get it.

Now with restored strength in my hope, I am going to indulge in one of my simple pleasures and listen to some of my favorite music and make dinner for my wonderful hubby. :)

Spiritual sunlight

2008-11-09T12:02:00.000-08:00

First off, I want to make something very clear. This is acting as my journal re: my miscarriage experiences, which means that you are getting all of the thoughts I have on my trial. This means though, that you are hearing about every time I have a hard time etc. I just want everyone to know that I am not obsessed with it, and that in 100% truth, I am fine. I love the season my life is in right now so much and I am thankful for everything I have. Just FYI. :)

Anyways, I just came back from stake conference and one of the speakers talked about trials and shared a wonderful article. I approached him after the meeting to get the reference to the talk and in reading over it, realize even more what a wonderful source of strength this talk is. Here is the link if anyone wants to read the entire talk, which you all should do! Here are some of my favorite parts:

"It is so hard when sincere prayer about something we desire very much is not answered the way we want. It is especially difficult when the Lord answers no to that which is worthy and would give us great joy and happiness. Whether it be overcoming illness or loneliness, recovery of a wayward child, coping with a handicap, or seeking continuing life for a dear one who is slipping away, it seems so reasonable and so consistent with our happiness to have a favorable answer. It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result.

No one wants adversity. Trials, disappointments, sadness, and heartache come to us from two basically different sources. Those who transgress the laws of God will always have those challenges. The other reason for adversity is to accomplish the Lord’s own purposes in our life that we may receive the refinement that comes from testing. It is vitally important for each of us to identify from which of these two sources come our trials and challenges, for the corrective action is very different.

:::note: I did not include the first source of a trial, but if you are curious, see the link above:::

Now may I share some suggestions with you who face the second source of adversity, the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments.

Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (seeProv. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7). To produce fruit, your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience.

To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.

***I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will.***

True enduring happiness with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the most challenging difficulties comes from a life centered in Jesus Christ. Obedience to His teachings provides a sure foundation upon which to build. That takes effort. There is no guarantee of overnight results, but there is absolute assurance that, in the Lord’s time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and emptiness will be filled.

Recently a great leader, suffering from physical handicaps that come with advancing age, said, “I am glad I have what I have.” It is wisdom to open the windows of happiness by recognizing your abundant blessings.

Don’t let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life. Try to understand what you can. Act where you are able;then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again.

I know the principles that we have discussed are true. They have been tested in the crucible of personal experience. To recognize the hand of the Lord in your life and to accept His will without complaint is a beginning. That decision does not immediately eliminate the struggles that will come for your growth. But I witness that it is the best way there is for you to find strength and understanding. It will free you from the dead ends of your own reasoning. It will allow your life to become a productive, meaningful experience, when otherwise you may not know how to go on (seeD&C 24:8)."

As I was copying this, I realized something important. In almost all the scriptures that talk about people being blessed after trial with the desires of the their heart, it was because offaith. Faith is a vital part of being blessed after a trial. If we do not have real faith, then we run the risk of not being worthy of blessings that the Lord wants to bless us with. After I have realized this, I have kept my eyes open to things that can destroy/build this faith and here are some of the things I have noticed:

1. Murmuring and complaining against the Lord and our trials is not what the Lord wants us to do. Now I know that somedays it is harder than others not to do this, but if we hold our tongue and accept the Lord's will, I know that we will be blessed with peace from the Lord. Also, I have realized that when it is tempting to do this, praying for help to not complain is a great source of strength

2. On this same note, accepting his will greatly strengths my faith. This is scary to do sometimes, especially when I realize that his will might be 3 more years of this. But if we just keep reminding ourselves, that he is in control and will not give us more than that which will bless us and help us in the end (if we are faithful) then accepting his will is a bit more easy.

3. Fear (this one is the hardest for me I think...O man...) destroys faith. It is so hard to not have fear when everything and everyone seems to say things that go against the things the spirit promises you. I realized something one night as I was reading 2 Nephi 4. I have a tendency when everything else is done and I have some me time, to do research on my situation. However, most times I come away discouraged and sad...therefore losing my faith in the promises both me and the hubby have been given. I realized that fear can come from relying on the arm of flesh (in my case studies & internet sites) for answers instead of our Lord.

4. Also, doing the things we are asked to do (some as simple as studying our scriptures every day and praying etc.) will help faith. I have found that the days I study the scriptures more and in more depth, my faith is stronger and I can handle the pain that comes with this trial.

5. Trusting in the Lord!! This one is hard for me some times, especially when I rely on the arm of flesh. I am reading an amazing book right now called "Trusting Jesus" and have come to realize the importance trust in Christ has in our faith. When we trust Him, knowing that every thing that happens to us will be for our good (D&C 122:7), then it makes the dark times of trial something we can handle.

All in all, I want to add my testimony to Richard G. Scotts testimony of trials and the things that he has said in his article. Wow, I have such a strong testimony of trials. I know this sounds weird, but truly I do. I have felt myself come SO MUCH closer to my Heavenly Father and my testimony has grown SO MUCH. I am so thankful that I have had this opportunity to grow. It makes me heart swell with thankfulness. Truthfully, I count this as some of my greatest experiences and feel that my testimony has exponentially grown as well as my love and relationship with my Savior.

I realized something as well today that has totally opened my eyes. Richard and I like to talk and reminisce about how we first met and how if I had not been dating someone (stupid stupid me...) that we probably would have been married right after I graduated from high school. But then we talked about how much I changed and was strengthened in my testimony during my freshman year of college maturing A LOT. We realized that if we had been married a couple months after we were met when I was barely 18 years old, our first year would not have been so amazing, and probably been really tough because I was an immature teenager when I graduated from high school. On the same note, I realized last night that when I was pregnant the first time as a 20 year old, I was also immature re:being a mom. One night, when I heard my mom get up with my baby sister during the night, I started to cry (it was the day we found out we were pregnant) because I was scared and wasn't sure if I felt ready to be a mom. Don't get me wrong, I was REALLY excited, but just as I wasn't ready to be married as an 18 year old, I wasn't ready to be a mom with our first pregnancy. So this is what I realized: the Lord's time table is truly truly the best. Both situations, I felt like I was ready when I wasn't. The Lord has ultimate knowledge and his time table is so much better than we can imagine. I have such a testimony of this. When I did start seriously dating my husband a year later, I was very much ready and we know that we were brought together at the perfect time---not too early, and not too late. I know that this will happen with our children. They will come at the perfect time---not too early and not too late. Through realizing this, I have so much more confidence/faith in the Lord's time table. I love my Lord so much...

My grandparents gave me this picture years ago, and I always keep it close to my bed because it brings me so much comfort. On the bottom of my copy it says "I will not fail thee"...it brings so much comfort to me and despite the pain of miscarriage, this is exactly how I feel and exactly where I feel my Lord has been through it all...

Honesty

2008-11-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes having this blog scares me. Its scary for me to be out on the line so much, with so many personal feelings out for everyone to see. It's not easy, but I just hope that someday I will help someone and that all of this wasn't worthless.

But today I have to be honest (not that I am not always honest, but still). For me mostly, because I just feel like I have to write to feel better.

Today was hard. Not like a normal day when there are little things all around me that witness to the fact I have been pregnant 3 times and still no babies. But today was a day where I even wondered if I had anything to hope for. First off, I learned a good lesson. I went to the doctor today to ask some questions and hopefully learn something that might help. But when I made the appointment and every time I thought about it, I felt like I shouldn't go. Not that anything really bad would happen, but that it wasn't a good idea. But wanting answers, like anyone else in this situation does, I just went. So lesson #1: always listen to any promptings I have, because the Lord knows what is best for me in this situation, even if it means that I have to cancel a doctors appointment. So we got there and I started to ask questions and then it happened. My situation is so weird, that I made him resort to his old college textbooks!!! That was not very reassuring. He even told us we are a weird situation. We get pregnant really easy and all of the tests I have had so far have come back fine and yet, no healthy babies. He went over some other things that we could do but these all were expensive and required pretty intensive things. I asked about having the hubby screened, but he said that he is fine because we get pregnant in an average of 1 1/2 months 3 times. So it's me. I went and saw another doctor at the same office as the other one I saw and I could tell he didn't know much about anything to help, and he was mostly a healthy pregnancy doctor. It was hard to see him not know anything new to tell me, that I am a weird situation. I want to be a normal situation where we can plan our lives a little and decide what we want in the future. I was sitting in his office when he had to go talk to his nurse about something and the wave of hopelessness hit me again and I almost started balling, there in his office. I hardly ever cry. I looked at Richard and just simply said "I don't know how much more of this I can go through" and thats exactly how I feel. I don't know how much more of these kind of fruitless doctors appointments with no answers I can stand. So he just said that we can try what Doctor E said to do and that was probably the cheapest thing to do. So basically, I should have listened to the spirit because this appointment basically stripped some of my hope that one day I will be one of those girls in the office with huge pregnant bellies and I was given no other answers at all. And it hit me too: how many more failed pregnancies do I have to witness first before I give up/turn to adoption/actually have a live baby? But here is lesson #2 that I learned from my sister: I cant lose hope. yeah simple, but after the appointment and I was sharing how frustrated I was to not have answers she just said basically "you cant lose hope". So after a day where I felt I was kicked to the ground with the realization that I may never have answers, I cant think like that and I just need to get back up and walk hand in hand with my hope in Christ. I know that somehow, I will have children because I have been promised that. So there is a reason to hope, because that is a great blessing. The scariest thing about blogging about the less happy parts of this trial is I am afraid people will think that I am not doing good and that I have no faith or whatever so here it is again: I am fine. Somedays my faith is just tested more than others and honestly, those are the days my faith is stronger in the end.

Though on the other end during this time when I am afraid I have no hope, there have been little things that have been wonderful tender mercies to realize:

1. I have been reading/hearing other peoples stories with infertility and honestly, I am so thankful that I have been pregnant before. I am so thankful that I have experienced pregnancy and all of the mostly negative things I have experienced (aka: I have horrible morning sickness, fatigue, aversions and I have not experienced the baby moving, hearing heartbeats, ultrasounds with living babies etc.)...I am just thankful I have experienced them. Some women have not or will not, and I am so thankful I have. That is one thing I realized I should be thankful for. That simple thing is a great blessing.

2. Another thing I was grateful for today was when the nurse said "are you at a mature maternal age? O absolutely not!" aka: I am still young. I realized the other day, I am so grateful I was married so young and we didn't wait too long before starting to try to have a baby because I am still young here at this point in our infertility struggle. So thats another blessing. I still have a long time before I need to worry about being too old as well.

3. Even in these dark times want to know another blessing? That I am married to my best friend and he gives me so many reasons to laugh so hard, have fun distractions, and enjoy just the two of us. Seriously, I cant express how thankful I am for him. He makes it so much more do-able and I am so thankful I am married to him. He doesn't pressure me at all, is totally understanding and constantly helps me see the things that I can be thankful for and be happy about. Seriously, I wouldn't be able to do any of this without my husband. If I didn't have his support and help I would be a crazy wreck. He is my angel that Heavenly Father has sent me to help me through this trial.

4. Hope is something that Heavenly Father blesses us with to help is times of need, and satan desperately wants to take that away from us. I have noticed through this experience that he will do anything he can to take our hope from us because that is when we fear and we cannot have faith and fear together. This is such a subtle way for satan to break us down during a time that we are supposed to be building ourselves up and making our faith stronger. Faith needs hope, and I am certain that when we take away our hope then we cannot have true faith. Realizing this, I have determined more and more that I will not lose my hope. It is such an important part of life, and through this trial I have gained such an important testimony of the vital role hope has.

So even though I was kicked down and maybe my knees have been scratched a bit, I am standing up taller more resolved that I have reasons to hope and reasons to be thankful. And yes, even though I was kicked down, I am walking forward determined to stay strong and pass this trial of my faith. So...now I am going to cuddle up with my hubby with some yummy food and watch a good movie/start reading the book "Trusting Jesus" by Jeffrey R. Holland before bed.

"At midnight, the vital cry was made. . . . At midnight! Precisely at the darkest hour, when least expected, the bridegroom came. When the world is full of tribulation and help is needed, but it seems the time must be past and hope is vain, then Christ will come. The midnights of life are the times when heaven comes to offer its joy for man's weariness. But when the cry sounds, there is no time for preparation. . . . In the daytime, wise and unwise seemed alike; midnight is the time of test and judgment. . . ."

(From the book "Faith precedes the Miracle")

An Ancient parable and some test results.

2008-11-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

"There was an old man whose only wealth was the one horse he owned. One day his horse escaped and took off into the mountains. His friends and neighbors came to comfort him saying, "old man, what bad luck you have had." The man replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who can say?" A week later, the horse returned and brought with him a whole herd of wild, mountain horses. the mans wealth was suddenly increased beyond measure. His friends and neighbors came to rejoice with him saying, "Old man, what good luck you have had." The man replied, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who can say?" The next day, when the man's son was trying to break in the wild horses, one of the horses threw him, causing him to break his leg. His friends and neighbors came to bring him comfort saying, "Old man, what bad luck you have had." The man replied, "Bad luck? good luck? Who can say?" The next day, the army came to town to forcibly draft all the young men to go fight in a bloody war from which few of them would return. However, the army did not take the old man's son; he was allowed to stay home because he was crippled. The man's friends and neighbors came to rejoice with him saying, "Old man, what good luck you have had." The man replied "Good luck? Bad luck? Who can say?"

Good words to live by. This is totally how I feel. Who ever hears about my past with miscarriages gives me that exact same response "What bad luck you have had." But really, is it bad luck? I don't think so. I mean really, if someone has faith in Christ and his power over our lives, we would understand it isn't bad luck but that that pregnancy wasn't supposed to work out. Look at it this way: because I didn't become a mom 15 months ago I will be able to graduate college. That one thing shows that that wasn't bad luck or even really a bad thing. I mean yes it's hard, but bad? I don't think so. I think I am done looking at things as black or white. This situation or that situation as bad or good. They are just doors opening and opportunities to recognize the Lords hand in my life. Honestly, it's hard for me when I tell people about it and get that same response. I know that I should respond "yeah it is really bad luck" but I don't feel that way. It's not bad luck. Just like the story, because this has happened, other good things will occur. Ultimately this trial will (hopefully...this is what I am working towards everyday) make me the person that I am supposed to be so that I can return to my Heavenly Father in exaltation. So in essence, this scripture outlines my outlook (I made this to put up on my wall because I love this scripture):

This trial is just a means to an end. Just like all the old mans experiences. The horse leaving led to a situation where his sons life was spared. So these trials will make me a better and more faithful person who (yes this is my goal and I am totally not there yet, but working everyday to be better) will be exalted and live forever with my family sealed to me. So, is it really bad luck? No, I really don't think so.

On another topic, I went to the doctors here on campus to get my results of my blood test. She said my thyroid is totally perfect (like it always is when they test it) but my adrenal gland was a little high. She said she doesn't know what that means for me and my miscarriages (aka: she can't decide if I need medicine etc. because she doesn't do infertility). So I go to the doctor tomorrow to see what this means...if I will need medication etc. But here is the thing I am worried about: I took the test during my most non-stress semester and still, my cortisol levels were high. So, I am worried that if next semester with my really packed and scary schedule if the stress levels will be higher. Here is this is why I am worried:

"The word progesterone means “for gestation,” which means that women, you need this hormone in its right balance if you want be become pregnant and stay pregnant. Progesterone nourishes the uterine lining in preparation of the implanted fertilized egg. It is progesterone that continually feeds and nourishes the uterus during pregnancy. Unfortunately, constant stress causes a decrease in your progesterone levels. When you are constantly in that “fight or flight” mode because of stress, your adrenal glands will produce additional cortisol and adrenaline. This is a normal bio-chemical process. The problem is that in order to make cortisol, your adrenal glands need progesterone. This causes your progesterone to be used in making your stress hormones, as opposed to what it is designed to do —support your pregnancy. The adrenal glands cannot make cortisol without progesterone. Often referred to as the ‘progesterone steal,’ your body will steal however much progesterone it needs to make cortisol. This is one of the primary reasons some women are having a hard time with infertility and miscarriages; they don’t have enough progesterone available to conceive or maintain a pregnancy. The body is designed for survival, and when you are constantly in that “fight or flight” mode, it is more important for the body to run away from the saber-tooth tiger than it is to have a baby. The constant demand for cortisol is going to reduce your levels of progesterone. Inadequate levels of progesterone not only interfere with the reproductive process, but that lack of progesterone is another reason so many women struggle with PMS, hot flashes, and night sweats— progesterone is being stolen away to make cortisol. The progesterone steal causes a deficiency." (Here is the article it came from)

I don't want to add anymore reason for this pregnancy not to work out. I am going to talk to the doc about if taking off a semester the next time I get pregnant might help. But then I am not wanting to get behind a semester in graduating. However, This is what I realized. Where are my priorities? Honestly, they have been in school a little too much than they should I think. It's always about getting straight A's and working as hard as I can...even when pregnant. I really don't know if this has any effect on the miscarriages, but with my adrenal gland being a little high and with 3 miscarriages under my belt, I want to do all I can to help this one work out. So I have also decided to try and change my major to something that will help me graduate sooner. Instead of having 24 credits left I will have 12. We will see how that works. I have decided to do this so that I can graduate, get school finished and then completely concentrate on starting a family. I think this puts our family in the right priority and if school is finished then I won't be tempted to put school ahead of a family. But...if I don't get my major changed then c'est la vie and I will just continue in my degree until I am done in July. And also, I can rest assured that is what I am supposed to do considering all the prayer I have put into it. So we will see! Wow, sorry for the post of the century...

"The test a loving God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty. It is to see if we can endure it well." --unknown

Angst.

2008-10-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

This is a hint to those who have no trouble having children or people in general: NEVER EVER say to someone who doesn't have kids "It's about time you have kids" or something to that matter. And please don't proceed to tell them that they have been married long enough and the righteous thing is to have kids. You never know what emotional roller coaster they are going through to have their kids and how much they would love to give you a glimpse into that pain so that you would promptly shove your foot into your mouth. Don't ever judge anyone who is without children, because you have no idea what is going on. Remember the line from the hymn "Lord, I would follow thee" which goes "Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow thee." Just give them the benefit of the doubt and understand that in most cases, they are people who are doing the best that they can.

For some reason I have heard these words lately from almost everyone I see. What is going on?! Do I have some sign on my head that tells everyone to call me to repentance because I am some selfish person who needs to focus on the important things in life like a family? Sometimes I want to tell them what I have been through so that they will understand. But I hate awkward situations so we just say "we are trying (even though we aren't right now, but still), and waiting for it to happen in the Lord's time". That usually does the job, they get the hint and of course it's awkward anyways because they realize what they just said. Jeeze!! Like I would never go up to someone who is older and unmarried and say "you really need to stop being selfish and finally get married! That is the right thing to do!" because that wouldn't be good. Now I understand that people have really good intentions and I am sure that every person that says these things probably has them, I just wish that people wouldn't say things like that when they don't know the situation. Sorry, I just have been so frustrated by these comments lately and so there is my spew.

Anyways, on other updates I went and had my blood taken so that they can test for an actual adrenal gland problem. I am scared to get the results back in case that is not what is going on. Aside from the miscarriage problem, I have been horribly tired my entire life (like I wake up after 8-9 hours of sleep more tired than when I went to bed etc.) and I want to find the answer. I want to find a solution so that I can function normally without feeling like I had just pulled an all-nighter when I slept for the perfect amount of hours. Sometimes it feels worse than how tired you are when you are pregnant. Also, I have been trying to gain some more weight for the past couple months (actually the past couple years after I lost about 12 pounds when we first got married after a horrible detox diet) and have only been able to gain some of it back. I want to be in the healthy range and I think my doctor thinks that this might fix that problem too. There are other things like this that I am hoping the adrenal gland problem would fix (basically I have all the symptoms of having an adrenal gland problem and they are all frustrating and I want them to be fixed). But I am so scared they will call me with my test results and tell me that I am fine in that regard, and my search for my neverending sleepiness will continue. I just want to feel normal.

Haha sorry that this is kind of a downer post. Now you know that not all about this trial is happy and strengthening. Sometimes I have hard days and I wish that some people wouldn't open their mouths so that they wouldn't make it more difficult. Everyone, please, always think before you say something. I have decided through this that I will always give people the benefit of the doubt because you never will know what everyone is going through. It really has been a good learning opportunity.

And please don't worry about me because I love my life and I am really happy. I feel so much better after I wrote that. Sorry you have to read my spew, but usually after I write something down after a frustration I feel 100% better. Also, don't worry about me being freakishly sensitive or something like that because I am not. Everyone should now I am completely fine talking about it with everyone and I am not some fragile, insecure person that will freak out if anyone says anything. I guess recently I have felt a little judged, which I think isn't fair because I have not done anything on that front to merit the judgement. Next step: ask for forgiveness for getting so frustrated. opps. :)

"My message to you today, my brothers and sisters, is simply this: the Lord is in control. He knows the end from the beginning. He has given us adequate instruction that, if followed, will see us safely through any crisis. His purposes will be fulfilled, and someday we will understand the eternal reasons for all of these events. Therefore, today we must be careful to not overreact...but what we must do is keep the commandments of God and never lose hope! But where do we find hope in the midst of such turmoil and catastrophe? Quite simply, our one hope for spiritual safety during these turbulent times isto turn our minds and our hearts to Jesus Christ." --M. Russell Ballard, Nov.1992 Ensign

A good quote...or 2

2008-10-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

Man, I have been stumbling across some really good quotes and yes I am a quote person, which would explain why I think that is cool. Here is the first one that I found on someones blog and might be worthy enough to go on my wall...

"Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain."

How good is that? I love it and I think that it is so true. We need to stop thinking about what life is going to be like when this or that happens or stops happening. One thing I have learned through all of this that is so valuable, is to just enjoy the here and now because this is all we have and it is guaranteed that we will look back later and realize our wonderful our life was. So just enjoy life no matter the stage you are in because before you know it, it will be gone.

Ok here is the other quote that I really liked, and helped me realize something simple but powerful. The other day I was thinking about how I am doing through this trial and I came across this quote which really helped me see something I need to fix. Here is the quote:

"The Lord is willing to give. But because there are fears in our hearts and therefore lack of faith, we cannot receive. The first step, then, toward spiritual knowledge is to get rid of all fear, to be full of trust and faith. In other words there must be a certainty of knowledge. There is no spiritual gain on the fifty-fifty basis. You cannot ask for a discount when you go into the kingdom of heaven. The full price must be paid." (John A. Widtsoe, The Message of the Doctrine and Covenants [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969], p. 43.)

Wow. I know I have talked about my struggle of how to get rid of fear, but now I know the importance. Fear and faith cannot exist in the same place so when I harbor fear, faith is gone. Another thing I realized is that if fear and faith cannot co-exist in the same place, and Heavenly Father is the author of faith, then who is the author of fear? Definitely not Heavenly Father and therefore I have given control to someone else who my feelings. Of course he wants me to be fearful, because then I cannot have faith. Scary! I really need to step it up and get rid of fear and just have faith in my knowledge that I will be a mother, but it will happen in the best possible time. How wonderful is that? I can enjoy my life with just my wonderful husband and I without worrying about our children coming at the best time because I know they will. So my quest now is to get rid of fear and allow the sweet healing balm of faith take it's place. I am so glad I found that quote because when I stop allowing fear that we won't have a family (which is ridiculous for me to think that way because I have had personal promises from the spirit and my patriarchal blessing as well telling me I will be a mother) to control my thoughts, then I have so much peace! Pretty simple I know, but yet so powerful.

Starting to see

2008-10-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

It's fun as I start to see some of the reasons/good things that come with this particular trial...Here are some of the ones that I have been thinking of today:

1. Richard mentioned in passing something I had already thought of, but it hit me even harder today. He said "I bet we are going to look back and be so grateful we had at least three wonderful years with just the two of us." This is the first thing that everyone tells us when they find out we don't have kids! "Enjoy this time you guys have together!!" We are so blessed to have this much time and have been able to do all of the fun things we have been blessed to do during this time. It really is a blessing, and as we are going on cruises, traveling, attending classes together, sleeping in, laying in bed talking after waking up and running out on a spontaneous date/shopping sprees I realize that these times are precious and once our children start coming, those days will be gone!

2. As I was reading the pregnancy blog of a friend today who had to wait 2 1/2 years before she got pregnant, she said something that really hit home to me:

"I never thought I would be so grateful that we had to wait so long, but it's really made it so we know that he's really a miracle and truely a huge blessing in our lives, not just something that happens to people once they get married."

With my background of being the oldest of 8 children and this being one of the first years my mom has not been pregnant or nursing (even then, she had her 6th miscarriage this past June or July...), I have been surrounded by children. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore children, but If we had had our 1st child a year ago like we should have, I would have totally taken advantage of our children and not been as grateful. With this experience, I will enjoy every single aspect of being a mother, and because it took us longer than we thought, I will just be happy to have children who are blowing out their diapers, whining or waking me up in the night. I will simply be so grateful that they are alive and with me. This is such a huge blessing, and I am grateful that I will not take advantage of the fact we have children but be so incredibly thankful they are in our home. (This all made sense in my head while I was thinking and cleaning...but it didn't come out as I thought...hope it makes sense haha)

3. I get to prepare to be the kind of mother my children deserve and the kind of mother that my mom was for me. This is a great blessing. I will be prepared and ready...well as much as someone can be for motherhood ;)

On that note, for all of those mothers who are reading this, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me prepare. What are some things that you wished you would have done to prepare? Or what are some things that you did do to prepare that really helped? Also, any of those not yet moms like me, what are you doing to prepare? I need some more ideas :)

I have the basics like reading my scriptures for at least 30 minutes, praying, trying to gain charity, having gratitude, making our home like a temple, being loving, being patient etc. on my list of goals, but what else do you think I should add?

"... be happy. The gospel is a thing of joy. It provides us with a reason for gladness. Of course there are times of sorrow. Of course there are hours of concern and anxiety. We all worry. But the Lord has told us to lift our hearts and rejoice. I see so many people,including many women, who seem never to see the sunshine, but who constantly walk with storms under cloudy skies. Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine."--Gordon B. Hinckley (Ensign, Nov. 1984, pp. 91-92)

Happy birthday

2008-10-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

Dear baby,

Today would have been your birthday.

I probably would be in the hospital recovering,

Really uncomfortable as I wait for you to come,

Or learning how to be a new mom.

I would have carried you for nine months,

Felt you move

and learned to love you.

But Heavenly Father had a better plan,

He knew what was best for me

What was best for you.

Before I was able to hold you,

see you

or kiss you

He called you home to heaven, where you belong.

I know that you were supposed to go,

This was meant to be.

But this doesn't mean I don't wish

I could be your mommy here on earth.

That doesn't mean I don't hurt somedays

Wondering what you would have looked like,

or What you would have been like.

In the quiet moments

I can feel you by me

Helping strengthen me

and telling me it will all work out.

I know that I will see you one day,

I will get to hold and love you

the way I want to so bad right now.

I know you are special,

and with your other siblings,

Doing a work that only you could do.

Please know that I love you

and you hold a very special place in my heart.

Please strengthen me when I yearn to hold you

and stay by my side when I can't bear the load.

You will be the reason that I try so hard,

The reason I push through when the days are dark

and my strength is thinning.

Because I know that the only way I can hold you

Is if I stay true.

You are my little angel

and even though I have never seen you,

Held you,

Kissed you

or feel you,

I love you.

You are my special guardian angel.

Love,

Your mommy.

So I have officially passed all of my due dates. The first August 4, 2007, the second May 21, 2008 and October 12, 2008. It's a little hard, and for the first time in a long time, I let myself really cry. I try to hold it in, because it makes it easier to not always dwell on it. But it felt good just to let it go. It's hard, but not as hard as I thought. It was amazing, because in Relief Society, the lesson was on staying steadfast through trials. I accidentally read the wrong one before church and we didn't have that long for the lesson so I read it after I got home. I don't even know where to begin. It was in the Joseph Smith manual and reading the words of the prophet who went through trials that I can't even conceive of, as he tells us to stay faithful and strong through trials I am completely humbled. I wish I could copy the whole chapter, because it is full of amazing strength. Here are some of the sections I particularly liked:

"The destinies of all people are in the hands of a just God, and He will do no injustice to any one; and this one thing is sure, that they who will live godly in Christ Jesus, shall suffer persecution; and before their robes are made white in the blood of the Lamb, it is to be expected...they will pass through great tribulation."

"Men have to suffer that they may come upon Mount Zion and be exalted above the heavens."

"The power of the Gospel will enable us to stand and bear with patience the great affliction that is falling upon us on all sides...Yea, all things shall work together for good to them who are willing to lay down their lives for Christ's sake."

"I know in whom I trust; I stand upon the rock; the floods cannot, no, they shall not, overthrow me." (WOW! If Joseph Smith can say that, despite all the horrible things he went through, I can too. And I do. This trial will not overthrow me.)

"Let us not sorrow as 'those without hope'; the time is fast approaching when we shall see them again and rejoice together..."

"At that time the hearts of the widows and fatherless shall be comforted, and every tear shall be wiped from their faces. The trials they have had to pass through shall work together for their good, and prepare them for the society of those who have come up out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the lamb."

"...Our trust is in God, and we are determined, His grace assisting us, to maintain the cause and hold out faithful unto the end, that we may be crowned with crowns of celestial glory and enter into the rest that is prepared for the children of God."

I basically quoted the whole thing, because it is full of wonderful peace and strength. I admonish all of you to go back and read this (the 19th chapter in the Joseph Smith manual) because it is so wonderful and uplifting to hear the prophet Joseph Smith tell us how to have strength through trials. I have so much love and respect for our prophet as he stayed faithful and strong.

I know that my Heavenly Father is watching out for me and knows what I need during this time. But at the same time, I feel like this is a new beginning. Not that I am pushing them away, but I feel like I can start anew. Holy cow this isn't easy. I can feel my heart strings being pulled, but I know that I have to stay strong and keep my faith. I could not function if I lost my faith. That and my wonderful husband are the only things keeping me going. I hope you don't think this post is to melodramatic. Like I said in the opening post, this is for me too and sometimes I write the things I need to write (writing is a great "therapy" for me). At this point, I am looking towards the future, and excited for what ever is next. I am so grateful for this opportunity in my life to be strengthened and brought closer to my Heavenly Father. It is during this trial that I have felt the closest to my Savior and Heavenly Father, and I know that they live. I don't know what lies ahead of us, whether it be 5, 10 or 15 more years of this trial or if it is almost over. But what I do know, is that I will keep my faith and I will allow this opportunity, as it is meant to, strengthen my faith.

Just as Joseph Smith said above, my faith is in God and I am determined.

Once again, please don't worry about me, I am doing wonderful. This is just making me stronger and more worthy for our special children.

"Stand fast, ye Saints of God, hold on a little while longer, and the storm of life will be past, and you will be rewarded by that God whose servants you are, and who will duly appreciate all your toils and afflictions for Christ's sake and the Gospel's. Your names will be handed down to posterity as Saints of God." --Jospeh Smith Jr.

hmmmm...

2008-10-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I decided as I am mentally preparing myself for what I would do if this one does happen I should probably do the same for if it didn't work out. Richard helped me do that when I was pregnant with #2 telling me either I would have a baby or he would take me on another cruise (it's awesome--we have decided that with every miscarriage or every year that we don't have kids...because sometimes I am pregnant twice a year and we have school...we will go on a fun trip). So back to last night. I started imagining what I would do if it didn't work out even down to the way I would react when I found out via. ultrasound or bleeding again. Holy cow. I don't know if I am ready for that. Emotionally and physically (it's a very painful experience if you do it natural which I always do...)! I don't know if I am strong enough to do it again. But I can't put it off for too much longer because we have put off getting pregnant for the 4th time for 6 months already. Sooner or later we have to make the plunge. It's just scary and requires A LOT of faith. I have been praying and asking Heavenly Father for strength because I know already I will need him every step of the way next time. So to prepare on the positive side, I have decided to take up the planning of our next fun vacation (our last was a cruise to Mexico! Here is the link to our pictures: click here). Having this to look forward to helps so much and really made the difference last times. I highly suggest that anyone going through something like this (infertility...even though it's weird to call miscarriage infertility because we dont have a trouble getting pregnant...but whatever) should really have something to take your mind off it and look forward to. This can be different for every person, but for us fun trips is a great distraction because its a load of fun and also this is something we can't do when we have kids.

So the planning begins...this is one of the best parts of our "struggle"! :)

"We've been testing your metal... it's not always easy; it's not supposed to be! It's time when the metal is stressed almost to it's breaking point that it gains the most strength." --Unknown

He loves me

2008-10-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

That was my favorite session yet. Wow. I sat through the four sessions at my in-laws house and felt that every talk was answering some of my questions, giving me strength and was directed to me. It was so amazing that the speakers, prompted by the spirit, were able to touch my heart so greatly, as I am sure everyone else listening according to their questions, etc. I can't wait for the Ensign next month to come out so that I can keep it close to read it over and over again. I feel strengthened and the tender mercies of the Lord helping me realize that He is the foundation of my soul and that I cannot do ANYTHING in my life without Him. I am so thankful that I have the gospel in my life and the peace that comes only through my Savior. I want to write all the things that I loved and felt strengthened by, and I can't wait for the conference session so that I can do that. This session helped me also realize, more strongly, that He loves me. I am so grateful to my Savior and my heart swells with love for Him...

Also, today I was talking to my wonderful sister and we were talking about the things I have been going through. She asked me if it talked about children in my patriarchal blessing and I went on to tell her that it talked about my children and posterity in my blessing and how Richard's blessing talks about our children and how to raise them to be righteous (actually so does mine). Then I went on to tell her some strong promises that I have been given through priesthood blessings Richard has given me regarding our children, and yet trying to tell her I was still scared I wouldn't have children. I realized then, that many blessings I have been given had told me I would have children and I was still scared. This was not what Heavenly Father wanted, and I was not having faith and trust in him. Now I don't know when they will come and there is even a possibility that they might come through adoption (the Lord works in mysterious ways), but I should not be scared but trust in the Lord to keep all his promises. Once I realized this, I had the most wonderful feeling of peace and the fear and doubt was gone. I will trust and have faith in the Lord that he will keep his promises, and I will keep my end of the deal by trying as hard as I can to stay worthy. Once again, I am so thankful for my Savior and the peace he gives me!

"My son [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high." D&C 121: 7-8

"Don't worry, be happy"

2008-10-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

Just as people think that having a low self-esteem is a form of humility, I learned today that though it is not good for me to get my hopes up, it is not good for me to lose hope. Today I was doing some research about what the doctor had said and the road he thinks we should take, and I started to lose all hope. I had thought that it would be good for me to completely get rid of all my hope, but all that did was leave me empty and sad. As I do about everything, I talked to Richard about what I was feeling and he said that Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to feel that way. I think that just as it is not good for us to have low self-esteem and think we are humble, we shouldn't destroy all hope for something and think that is what we should do. In the scriptures, we are told to have hope. But, my dear husband pointed out that maybe I shouldn't have hope or expect one or the other to happen, but just have hope and reassurance that Heavenly Father is in control. That is the greatest source of peace and the best thing to place my hope in. Either being hopeful that this pregnancy will work out or accepting that it will not can lead to sadness. The best is to be hopeful and put all my faith/assurance in that the Lord is directing and in control of my life. What more could I want?

So to cheer me up, Richard put on our family song by Bobby McFerrin (which I LOVE) called "Don't Worry, be Happy" and here are the lyrics. Anyone that is having a hard time, should play this song and (especially if your husband sings along with the song), it will bring a smile to your face!

Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy.
In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy now.

CHORUS:
Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy.

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy.
The landlord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy.

CHORUS:
(Look at me -- I'm happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Here I give you my phone number. When you worry, call me,
I make you happy. Don't worry, be happy.)

Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got no gal to make you smile
Don't worry, be happy.
'Cause when you worry your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
Don't worry, be happy.

CHORUS:
(Don't worry, don't worry, don't do it.
Be happy. Put a smile on your face.
Don't bring everybody down.
Don't worry. It will soon pass, whatever it is.
Don't worry, be happy.
I'm not worried, I'm happy...)

Up and Down

2008-09-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

***disclaimer: Anyone who only wants to read only those things of my experience that are completely upbeat (well, as much as they can be), should not read the first part of this blog. This deals with the hard times, but mind you, has a happy ending. Pick up reading at the starred point farther down***

I failed.

Without realizing it, I had unconsciously totally gotten my hopes up. I did it during the second pregnancy, and I was starting to do it again. For anyone going through this sort of battle, that just equals torture. And it did. I was praying constantly that if it was his will, this next pregnancy would work out. Almost begging. Pathetic I know, but I am so scared to go through the trauma of a 4th miscarriage. Mind you, I am still praying constantly, but with a much different attitude about it (accepting with a renewed his will over mine...you'll see why at the end). So Richard and I went to the temple on Saturday and we decided that both of us would pray about when to start trying again etc. When we got home, eating dinner, he told me that he thought we should prepare for both and not get our hopes up either way. Poor Richard was doing everything he could and trying to help in anyway; I am so grateful for him!! But all I heard is that we shouldn't get our hopes up about this one working out, and all I could think about was that I thought I was getting feelings that it would work out. I was really confused. But the emotions of this battle were more than I could handle, and against every will of mine (I really don't like crying...it's a rare occasion but of course most of those occasions have been during our battle with miscarriage) tears came and then sobs. I felt thetangible and crushing pain of my fear and it was more than I could handle. I prayed for strength knowing that he was the only one who could help me, because I was beyond anyone else's help. Then the thought came: get a blessing. I love getting blessings because I always feel the closets to my Heavenly Father, so I asked Richard to give me a blessing (I am SOOOO grateful that my husband is a worthy priesthood holder).

***for those only wanting to hear the happy, please rejoin us***

The blessing was one of the most powerful, comforting blessings I have had. I have, though, had other amazing blessings that have brought so much peace and comfort and I am so thankful for priesthood blessings. I was told (among other things that I leave out merely because they are very personal spiritual wise) that this was a trial of my faith, and that no witness would come until after the trial of my faith. This confirmed my thoughts of this being such a thing and it renewed my desire to continue faithful and strong, turning to my Heavenly Father in every way. To even concrete my desire to do this even more, I was told that this trial would be a strength to my children and descendants. This just made the desire even stronger, thinking that somehow, something that I was learning through this (which has been a lot of things) would help my dear, special children. This and the other things that I was told gave me so much strength and comfort. I also felt the presence of our children around me, almost as a cheerleading squad helping me be strong and with their presence letting me know that it will all work out, and that if I "passed" this test, I can have them. Richard said he felt this very strongly too. It was amazing. The best part was that after the blessing, as Richard was hugging me I had one of the most awesome feelings. I felt light, as if the Lord was on the other side of the crushing pain, holding it off my shoulders for a bit allowing me to feel relief. I could breathe again, and the crushing weight of the pain and fear was gone...it was so amazing. The pain was there, it wasn't gone, but I could bear it because he was helping (as all spiritual experiences are, it is hard to explain the sensation). I knew right then that I wasn't alone through this, and I should never let a moment pass that I don't turn to him for help. I felt the principle of the scripture Matthew 11:28-30 when Christ said“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. as well as the scripture in Mosiah 24:14-15 which is "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." and "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." It was such an amazing feeling to feel that, as it strengthened my resolve in everyway to endure this trial patiently and cheerfully. So, here is my strong, undeniable witness: I know that the only way I can do this, is through the Lord, my Savior. I am so incredibly thankful for Him and even thought of this little tender mercy brings tears to my eyes. I know that He lives, loves me, and is so incredibly involved in my life...even this part of my life. I cannot express my love and gratitude for my Savior. Also, strangely, after that horrible, raw pain as I felt that beautiful relief that could only come from my Savior, I am thankful for this opportunity to feel so close to my Savior. It has only been through this trial that I felt my personal relationship with my Savior become so much stronger. This simple experience will be marked among my most spiritual experiences, during one of the hardest experiences. Odd huh? :)

So for all of us that are going through a trial of life (not limited to this of course), we have a choice. If it is unknown that this is a specific "trial of your faith", you too have a choice. You will go through this trial no matter the choice, all this choice does is determine your 1. happiness level while going through it 2. how the Savior judges that you do at the end. It really only comes down to two choices and I am sure we all know what they are. We can either see this as an opportunity to make our faith stronger and draw closer to the Lord in trust during the trial OR we can become any level of bitter, ignore him through our trial and only thank him after we are blessed with it. One way is ultimately easier and the other rather lonely. Your choice. I'd say make the best of the trial and heck, work hard to be a better person so at the end you are stronger. Elder Dallin H. Oaks says this perfectly: “Adversity will be a constant or occasional companion for each of us throughout our lives. We cannot avoid it. The only question is how we will react to it. Will our adversities be stumbling blocks or stepping-stones?” Life is full of choices and everyday we need to decide how we will respond our adversity whatever it may be.

You want to know something funny? I have resolved to do just what Rich said I should do:prepare for both. Really, only good can come from that. I love my hubby...

"He lives to silence all my fears. He lives to wipe away my tears. He lives to calm by troubled heart. He lives all blessings to impart." -- "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" hymn #136

Devotional by Sue Clark

2008-09-23T13:56:00.000-07:00

The first devotional at BYU-Idaho was given by president Clarks wife, Sue Clark. It was short, but full of so much hope and testimony. Here is a written copy, but listening to it is so much more powerful. Here is the website where you can access the talk if you would like to hear it.

The Hand of the Lord
Sue Clark
Brigham Young University–Idaho Devotional
September 9, 2008
Thank you for coming to devotional today. We are happy to be able to welcome you and share some thoughts and our testimonies with you as you begin this fall semester.
Last year at Christmastime our grandchildren built a really big snowman in our yard. By the end of January that snowman had disappeared in the drifts of snow that came. But the seasons change. And just this week I harvested strawberries from our garden not far from where that snowman and all the snow around it had melted in the spring.
As I picked those strawberries I had a wonderful feeling of gratitude for the blessings of the Lord. I felt strongly the hand of the Lord in providing us order and beauty in our lives. And I know that when we take the time to notice it, we can see Him not just in the beauty around us, but in the details of our lives.
We have seen His hand so much recently in the lives of our family. We welcomed two new grandbabies this summer, and we have seen many other sweet blessings and tender mercies even in the smallest details of the daily lives of our children and their families. We are so grateful for these blessings, and we are grateful that our children recognize the Lord’s hand in blessing them.
We never know what will happen in our lives or what trials lie ahead. But if we learn to recognize the Lord’s hand, we will be able to deal with whatever comes.
We have some close friends who had twins. One of the babies was born with a disease that threatened to take his life at a very young age. Through many surgeries and lots of prayer and faith, he survived; but was left blind and handicapped. Brian’s mom and dad had to work very hard and spend lots of time and effort to help him as he grew and developed. They had other children and other pressures in their lives, and taking care of Brian could have been a burden and trial for his family. But it wasn’t. It did take a lot of effort, but they recognized the Lord’s hand in their lives and looked to Him for help. They came to see their son as a great blessing in their lives. Last week I attended Brian’s funeral. He had lived almost 22 years. What a joyous day it was. They celebrated Brian’s life. He had been a blessing to his family and to all around him who served him.
Some families who have these kinds of trials become bitter. They dwell on what might have been and regret the reality of their lives. They feel the burden and the heartache; and they become angry with the Lord. They are like the children of Israel in the wilderness who complained bitterly to Moses against the Lord. In Numbers 21:5 we read:
And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.
The Lord had given the children of Israel life-giving bread, but they complained about it. And the Lord taught them (and us) a great lesson.
He sent fiery serpents to bite the children of Israel, and many died. When the children of Israel admitted the error of their ways, the Lord allowed Moses to raise the serpent of brass as a sign. He didn’t take the serpents away, but he provided the children of Israel a way to be healed. All they had to do was look upon the serpent of brass.
This is a pattern or a type for us: if we look to God, our Heavenly Father, and to His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, we too will be healed. The more we look to Him, the better our lives will be.
As Nephi taught in 1 Nephi 19:7:
For the things which some men esteem to be of great worth, both to the body and soul, others set at naught and trample under their feet. Yea, even the very God of Israel do men trample under their feet; I say, trample under their feet but I would speak in other words—they set him at naught, and hearken not to the voice of his counsels.
We can see the hand of the Lord in every experience we have if we are willing to look. That is how we find joy through our trials.
I pray that we will remember to take notice of the hand of the Lord in our lives and express gratitude daily for the wonderful gifts we receive. He is there in every difficulty dispensing blessings; but if we’re too busy complaining, we won’t see them and they won’t be ours. Counting blessings will help us to survive with light and joy as trials come our way.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

I loved this talk. It gave me such a renewed strength to look at this trial with gratitude, and also a determination to rely completely on the Lord for that is the best way I have had relief. I had an amazing experience this Saturday on this topic. I have homework to finish, and if I have time today I will write it down. I have had so many tender mercies from the Lord my heart is brimming with love and gratitude for Him...

"So amid the conflict whether great or small, do not be discouraged; God is over all. Count your many blessings; angels will attend, help and comfort give you to your journey's end. Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your blessings; see what God hath done. Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your many blessings, see what God hath done." --"Count Your Blessings" by Johnson Oatman, Jr.

Agreement

2008-09-15T17:27:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor today and got some interesting feedback. At the suggestion of a friend who saw him for similar problems, she said to write out the history of my periods, miscarriages etc. As I did I realized again, how crazy my periods are! Anyways, we went and he read through it, explained some likely causes and then said that he really thinks that I have a problem not producing enough progesterone. Interesting. :) He said the reason why he thinks that is because my periods are irregular and because of my miscarriages (of course this is the watered down version). Basically he thinks I have a Luteal Phase defect. He also wants to check my thyroid (which I have had checked like 4 times), but a different test that would require different medicine etc. and also do a test to really find out if my adrenal gland has problems. So it comes back to progesterone. But he suggested something that made more sense. He is giving me a pill that stimulates my body to make more progesterone rather than just adding to my bodies store of it which I should take even before we start to get pregnant so my levels are already high. I also told him about the pain that I was having, but he wasn't worried about it because 1. anything that would be causing the pain (like a fibroid or cysts) make it hard for you to get pregnant (and I don't have that problem) 2. it is in the same place that my colon is and the pain always came right before I had to go to the bathroom (embarrassing... haha). He also said that I most likely did not ovulate when I had the crazy periods, which is another reason he thinks my progesterone is off. I had another doctor who said that, and she said it was a miracle that I got pregnant when I did because most of the months I wasn't ovulating. He seemed like an awesome doctor and he has a plan b, c, d...which is nice. Our other doctors just told me to not worry and keep trying and one would eventually work out. Yeah right!! Like I want to risk more miscarriages than I have to. He was proactive which I really liked. So who knows, maybe the journey is coming to an end and if not, I have a good doctor that will help us think of other things that might be wrong. I am trying not to get my hopes up, praying sincerely that I don't think this is the fix if it isn't which would hurt even worse. We are not certain this is it, and so I am just banking on the fact that it is not. Is this the right thing to do, or do I get hopeful risking more hurt from hoping? Who knows...

"Be grateful for tests in life. If you're not tested, it means you are not worth testing."--Theodore M. Burton

Wow.

2008-09-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

You know what is one of the greatest comforts? Is that all things are in Lords hands. I can't think of a better place I would want to be. It is in this place that I can find true joy and happiness no matter what happens...and now I can say that and truly mean it. Because even through this trial, I am happy and at peace in the hands of my Savior.

I am so grateful...

"So, my brethren and sisters, there may come persecution; there may come opposition; there may come reverses; there may come criticism and misrepresentation. Your motives may be questioned. You may be attacked. But if we place our trust in the Almighty and do that which is right, there will come an inner assurance, an inner calm, a peace that will bring joy and happiness to our souls." --Ezra Taft Benson

Tender Mercies

2008-09-01T16:11:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if this is too personal, but as I said earlier this is doubling as a journal (which I have not kept up like I should). On Saturday we attended Richard's grandmas funeral and after the funeral there was a chance for an open mike and naturally Richard went up there to share his thoughts and feelings. As he spoke he was giving memories etc. and then he stopped to say that he was sad that his children would never meet his grandma, Mootie. However he said that he felt that she was up there with our children, loving and watching over them. It was such a spiritual moment for both of us.

Then today my aunt-in-law came up to me and told me that she had had a recent experience which she felt very strongly that her mother (who had passed away) was taking care of the spirits which she miscarried (she had 2 miscarriages in between her 2 children). She told me this because she said that our ancestors were probably doing the same for our dear children. I have felt this very strongly; that our children are where they are supposed to be and being loved and taken care of by our ancestors.

Knowing this is such a strength to Richard and I. The second best thing to raising my children, is that our righteous ancestors are there to love and watch over them. At least I do not have to worry about where they are and if they are ok. It is such a tender mercy of our Heavenly Father to know that our children are in the best place possible and watching over us.

"The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live." --David A. Bednar

Decision time

2008-08-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

So after we heard that we might have a possible fix, I started thinking about trying again but I still feel that I need to go to the doctor to see if anything is wrong inside. I have been having some pain on one side near my girl parts, and so I want to see if anything might be wrong. Also, as I was thinking about trying again, I realized I am not ready yet...I want to do as much detective work to try and fix things before trying again to get rid of anything that might possibly ruin our chances at a successful pregnancy. It's an interesting situation to be in. I get pregnant without a problem, but if I do I run the risk of another miscarriage. It's hard to know if I am doing the right thing...if I should just get pregnant again soon or wait until we find some more things that need to be fixed. definitely praying a lot :)

"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand.Peace comes through hope." -- James E. Faust

Shift

2008-08-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

So I know on the last post I expressed my fear of having the test results come back negative with nothing wrong. Well, I have decided that there are positives for the test results no matter how they come back. If they are negative, it will be frustrating to still be tired etc. but unless the spirit tells us otherwise, we might start trying sooner. If it is positive, then I have an answer for my sleepiness and something which might help me not have another miscarriage. So either way, I am fine. Realizing this last night has helped so much. I did the same thing with if I have a miscarriage again. Either we will have a baby or we will take another awesome trip. I am trying to decide what we want to do and here are some of my ideas:

1. A Mexican riviera cruise
2. Go to the big apple
3. Hawaii cruise
4. Stay in my old home town Laguna Beach, CA and hit Disneyland again
5. Go visit all the church sites back east
and that's all so far (this trip will be combined with my graduation trip).

So there are positives on either side. This is one thing I have learned from my awesome husband. He is always so positive and happy, and I have learned that no matter what happens we have a choice. I can either be happy or I can be sad. I don't have control over what happens, only over how I react. And yes, I realize that I used my control negatively with the last post situation, and I have decided to not over react again. I am so thankful for my awesome husband!!! He has helped me so much in so many ways. So I have decided that no matter what happens, I am going to see the positive and be happy! It makes living so much better. So no matter the test results today, I am happy and loving my life today.

"Too often we wait to live. When we are young we can't wait until we can drive a car or date. Then we can't wait to get married and have children. We often live in the future (or in the past) instead of in the present. While waiting to live, some of us never really do. " --a quote from one of my teacher"

Interesting day!

2008-08-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

Lets see...actually this story starts last week. I have mild scoliosis and so my back has been hurting really bad lately. Rich and I decided we finally had time to go see a chiropractor, and choose a really good one who is actually a member of the ward. As I was getting ready to go in, for some reason I kept feeling that I needed to bring up my miscarriages and that he would address it/find something that might help. It was kinda confusing, because he is a chiropractor! So I went to see him and he was in a hurry so I thought if I brought it up, it wouldn't really be addresses. So he made me a follow-up appointment for this morning. I went in this morning, laid on the table and just as he barely touched my back almost my entire back cracked. He was like "mmmmm...interesting." So he kept going. Then I told him about my TMJ (basically I have a tight jaw) and so he worked on that. He worked some more and then stopped and thought for a long time. After about 5 minutes he asked "do you have problems with your period?" Those of you who know, I have really crazy periods. I will spot for an entire month, be 3 weeks late etc. everything imaginable. I never have a normal period. So I answered yes. Then he asked if we were trying to have children so I told him about our 3 miscarriages. After I told him he said "you are having miscarriages because your hormones are messed up." That took me by surprise, because he had been cracking my back so how did he know about my hormones? He then explained that my ligaments are really loose (the reason my back cracked so easily) and they are lose because basically my adrenal gland is off and he said he thought that my periods are off and I keep having miscarriages because the hormone progesterone is off. I explained to him that I had tried taking progesterone suppositories during my third pregnancy, but when I told him that I started if after I was pregnant, he said that is completely useless. He explained that you need to have it even before you are pregnant, or it is useless. We had wanted to start progesterone before our third pregnancy, because I had heard this before, but 2 months after our second miscarriage we were surprised to find out I was pregnant again (surprised meaning we hadn't planned on that at all...aka: mistake...but I hate saying mistake because that sounds so sad!). So basically (this, surprisingly, is the short version...he explained a lot more and showed other symptoms on me) he gave me a supplement to start that helped my adrenal gland and then said to start progesterone cream after a month.

We are going to give this a try when we plan on trying again, and if it doesn't work then I have the name of a really good doctor that my friend gave me. So either way, we are going to figure this out. But if by chance this is the fix, then I am glad I found it now before we got pregnant again. I am pretty skeptical of quick fixes, but it's worth a try.

Also, I found an awesome article last night in the new Ensign that everyone should read, especially those who are going through a "struggle" of bringing children into this world (or any other struggle). It's called "Looking to the Lord" by Mary N. Cook. Read it! :)

"Do we allow our circumstances to limit our view, or do we look up to the Lord, who can expand our view?" - Mary N. Cook

Not Sure.

2008-08-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

So we are going to the doctor tomorrow to see if anything is wrong inside or anything like that. I am scared honestly. I am afraid that they will find nothing and have no other answers for me. Or find something that make take years to fix. I have been reading a book that my chiropractor said to read, and that is giving me more hope about the progesterone cream but still I am sure that isn't the complete answer nor will it solve all of my problems. That just seems too easy and quick. I am not trying to get my hopes up, and I am not sure what to think about tomorrow. I am not as apprehensive as I thought I would be the night before we see the doc, but maybe that is because I have taught myself how to not get my hopes up. I am glad I have finally learned that.

I have also read a book that I think every single person should read no matter what. It is called "Drawing on the powers of heaven" by Grant Von Harrison. It's a short little book but it is so powerful. I think that everyone should read that book. It's amazing. It teaches you how important it is to have real faith and how to receive it. I realized as I read this book that this trial is necessary for me to become the kind of person I am supposed to be. I am being sanctified and my faith is being tested. This will make me a stronger more worthy person if I stay close to the Heavenly Father.

I had some thoughts today...well I have had them for awhile, but I was really thinking about it today. I realized that this is my only real trial. I know that might sound weird but here was the train of thought: I have a perfect (I know people don't think that is possible, but I am being completely honest here) perfect marriage to the most amazing/selfless/fun man who was more than my dreams who is also my best friend to whom I have been married to since I was 19, a wonderful righteous family who are also my best friends, good health, a great opportunity to go to school (with which I am also finished!!), a strong faith/love for the gospel/my savior and everything else I could ask for. I am completely satisfied. I am so glad that I don't have to suffer with a less than perfect marriage, a weird/bad family life or anything else. This makes me grateful for my trial because at least I have a strong faith, wonderful husband and awesome family (among many other great things in my life) to help support me. And all this is doing is making me a stronger and better person. I know that I am always saying how grateful I am for this trial, but that is because I feel that way. Sure I have hard days when I realize I am not getting any younger and I am afraid of how much longer this will take. But honestly, my thoughts always come back to how I am so thankful and grateful because of the help and strength I have received. So yes, honestly, I am grateful for this trial.

"God will feel after you, and he will take hold of you and wrench your very heart stringd, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance ub the celestial kingdom of God."
--Joseph Smith

Lucky!

2008-08-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

So even though we aren't trying at all right now (hope thats not too much information haha) until we go to the doctor to see if anything is wrong, there are some really nice perks about not having kids and not having to feel guilty for not "trying"!

Here are some of these nice perks...

-We have had almost 3 years of complete one on one time with each other which is amazing & wonderful
-We have been on two cruises and left the country both times
-We have been to Disneyland for 12 hours straight just the two of us
-Lived in Southern California and played in the waves for hours together whenever we went to the beach
-When we aren't in school, we can sleep in until whenever we want to
-We can choose to stay up as late as we want
-We can lay around and do whatever we want when there is nothing to do
-We can lay in bed after waking up and talk for as long as we want when there is no time crunch (this is one of my favorite parts of taking a summer vacation from school...)
-We have gone to college together rather than one of us just watching the other learn all of these cool things
-I can graduate from college with a bachelors in something I can enjoy & make a good income with
-We can do things whenever we want and not worry
-We go on dates way more than once a week for as long as we want with out time restraints
-We don't have to be super poor while we go to college
-We have starred in a light opera and wrote/produced our own play
-Prepare even more for when our wonderful children come, so we are the best possible when they come
-Have a clean house
-Go dancing together for hours
-Have plans for a Hawaiian cruise or Europe trip after graduating
-Exercise together
-Making yummy dinners together
-We can enjoy spontaneous activities/moments
-We can sleep as much as we want
-We have time to strengthen our marriage and become closer and better friends
-We can make spur of the moment decisions like visiting family and writing a play during the summer
-Get farther in school so that we can be more secure financially, possibly with a secure job
-Have enough savings so that we can buy cute baby clothes/toys/things so that we don't have settle for hand-me-downs
-Get excited for when that blessing comes

etc. (there are so many little moments like this that I can't list them all...)

Basically, I love my life. I get to enjoy all of these and more right now and yet in my future I get to raise children with Richard. What more can I ask for?

Don't get me wrong, we are excited to sacrifice some or all of these things when our kids come, but it is so nice to be blessed with this time to enjoy all of the above and others while we wait :) I am just so grateful for this wonderful time that Heavenly Father has blessed us with!

"President Young... encouraged the early Saints who suffered from trials such as persecution, poverty, and starvation to accept their afflictions with gratitude and humility, for the Lord truly strengthened them in their suffering." --summarization of a talk by Brigham Young

Hope and Consolation

2008-08-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a very helpful and insightfull Relief Society lesson and wanted to record some thoughts that came to me during this lesson.

The lesson was on finding hope and consolation in death, and the person giving the lesson is a very good friend of mine. The spirit she brought to that lesson was very comforting. I realized that the 3 spirits of our children that we lost through miscarraige are supposed to return to our Heavenly Father and are very special spirits. They are back in heaven where they should be, and I am so glad that I know they are in the best place possible and will be taken care of.

Also, as the lesson was being taught she read a quote by the prophet Joseph Smith JR. in which he said that when we lose children, we will be able to raise them in the next life and that that experience will be amazing and enhanced. I am so thankful for such a merciful Savior who, if I am worthy and righteous, will allow me to raise those children. It brings me so much comfort to realize that I have 3 incredibly righteous and special spirits waiting for me.

The last and most influential realization that I came to, was something she said at the end. She said that we are supposed to mourn but there comes a time where we must take hope and consolation in the will of our Heavenly Father and have faith. I have and will continue to be happy and be consoled and find hope in the will of my Heavenly Father, for I know that he is watching over me and guiding my life.

All in all, I am so thankful for the wonderful peace that comes with the gospel and the knowledge that we have concerning death. It brings so much comfort to me to know that my little angels are in heaven waiting for me to return to them and are going about doing our fathers work. I know they are supposed to be, and this knowledge comes to me because of the gospel. I am SO thankful for the gospel and my Heavenly Father.

"... in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us... The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." --Joseph Smith Jr.

Point of this

2008-08-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately about one of the points of a blog as it acts as a journal and realized that one part of my life is being left out of our family blog. But I did it on purpose. It is a very personal part of my life that I usually don't share with many people. However, I realized after finding and reading blogs that talk about their own struggles, and realizing how much it has helped me I decided to lower my protective "shield" and talk about my experiences. I share these things mainly to hopefully help someone in any way possible. I have been so thankful for the help that people have given me, and I want to reach out to help those who might be going through the same experience. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I hope in some small way, to help someone.

I want to share thoughts that I have, things that help me and even times when I am having a hard time. This blog is also for me so that I can write my thoughts and be able to look back and remember what I have learned and how much I have grown through this experience. So here it goes...

Before I start here is some history so that you can understand where the thoughts and feelings are coming from: In the 14 months that we have been trying to bring our children into our family, I have gone through 3 miscarriages and been pregnant for a total of 9 months. In more detail here has been my experiences: about 9 months after we were married, we decided it would be fun to add to our family and in the third month (after two cycles) we were pregnant. We were so excited about having our first little child, and started to prepare ourselves and our futures. However, at 12 weeks I started to bleed and my worst nightmare came true. My family has miscarriages (my mom has had 6 miscarriages and 8 healthy children), and so it wasn't new, but it was a surprise. We went to the doctor to have an ultrasound (sadly, a couple days before our first appointment where we should have had a normal ultrasound). There was nothing inside, and the doctor said that it probably had stopped growing around 6 weeks. This is called a missed miscarriage. The pain was horrible (emotionally and physically as I passed it myself...), but yet I felt a wonderful peace and the spirit tell me that my little baby was back where it was supposed to be with my Heavenly Father. There were other very spiritual moments which helped me greatly. After our first, we waited several months to try again, to hopefully get over the pain and just to heal and also decided that we wouldn't try unless we felt spiritually prompted. About 4 months later we had a very spiritual experience which we felt we should start trying, and again in the third month (tried for 2 cycles again) we were pregnant (August). Just like the first, we were very excited and hopeful that this pregnancy would work out. Even to our wonderful surprise, at 6 1/2 weeks we were able to see a little tiny heartbeat at our first ultrasound. After this, we were sure this second would work out and for 12 weeks everything seemed to go well. However, in the middle of my 12th week, I started to bleed again and the realization of another miscarriage sunk in. We rushed to the doctors, and with the ultrasound found out our baby had stopped growing at around 8 weeks. Another missed miscarriage. I passed this one on our own, which was very excruciating (the doc said most people end up in the hospital, and it happened before we had expected so they hadn't given me any pain medication...). I felt at this point we shouldn't try again until we had gone to the doctor to get some tests done and find out more to possibly prevent another. However, about a month after our miscarriage, we were pregnant again and were surprised, but scared. From the outset I knew this last pregnancy would end in miscarriage. So once again at about 8 weeks I had an ultrasound and found out our baby had stopped growing around or earlier than 6 weeks. They offered tests to see if my dates were off and maybe it was just measuring small, but I knew it was a miscarriage and just waited for my body to pass it on its own. And it did a couple weeks later (when I should have been about 12 weeks pregnant) and after some complications, our 3rd miscarriage was complete. After that experience I decided with the help of very strong feelings, that I should wait to find out as much as I could to prevent another loss, and that is where I stand right now.

No one can truly understand how difficult this is, unless they have gone through it themselves. This is why I decided to share my experiences so that those who have not gone through it, will understand. However, as difficult and painful (emotionally and physically) this has been for me, I am so thankful for this experience because I have grown in amazing ways and become a stronger person. Please do not worry about me because I am fine. In fact, I am very thankful for these experiences. Among so many other strengthening things, my testimony has grown and I KNOW that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows me personally.

**Updated: After waiting 14 months after our last miscarriage in March 2008 for it to feel like the right time to get pregnant again and in the meantime seeing doctors, we implemented our first plan to fix my progesterone deficiency, stopped birth control and were pregnant within about a week. Our healthy baby boy is due February 7th!!

"Faith is total trust in Him. Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does." --Dennis E. Simmons