Sorry I haven't been updating this as much as I would like to. This last semester has been keeping me really busy! But I just wanted to record some feelings and emotions I have had lately.
In the very recent past (before this post from a couple months ago happened), there was a lot of fear. A lot of questioning and doubt and all those negative emotions. These didn't happen constantly, but they were the underlying emotions through this whole ordeal. I would question blessings and revelation and always expect the worst. But then I had the epiphany I wrote about earlier and things started to dramatically change. I stopped questioning and doubting, but had faith that Heavenly Father would keep his promises. But I was still a little scared of how long it would be. That was the first step. Then after some experiences we had, I started to realize that truly this was the Lord's will and I was being guided. My fear started to disappear but there were still moments of weakness when my old emotions would creep back in.
Then recently, without any huge thing happening and even without my noticing, the fear was replaced with peace and the doubt was replaced with excitement and the questioning was replaced with faith. I hardly could sense it because it was a gradual thing but I finally knew for sure that our kids would come in the Lord's time and that would be the best timing possible. I started to get really excited again and realize that if we did our part, then our special little children would come in the perfect time. I stopped stressing about how long it would take (even though sometimes I still have moments of weakness), if there were things I could do to make it come sooner and even stopped wanting it to come sooner than it should. It was such a wonderful blessing and I truly feel it has been one of the greatest tender mercy. Almost all of the fear, doubt, stress etc. has been taken a way. I say almost because there are moments of weakness. But one day as my hubby and I were going to the temple we started to talk about it and he brought up a scripture and I realized this is exactly what I am going through. It is in Mosiah 24:14 "And I will also ease the burden which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage..." This is exactly how I feel. Even though my trial is not over, I really feel that parts of it are. So, in explanation, even though we still do not have children and I still feel that we should wait & take a break from even trying/getting pregnant again, I feel that the trial of learning to overcome fear, doubt and disappointment is almost over. Like I said before, I still have moments of weakness, but the underlying emotion of this trial has taken a complete 180 degree change and it is now hope, peace, trust in the Savior and reassurance. I truly thank Heavenly Father for this every day because I could not have made this switch without Him.
And honestly, I am starting to truly see even more than I think I ever have how truly blessed My hubby and I are to have this time just the two of us. I always knew that it was a blessing, but unconsciously I would have traded that for a baby any day. But now that I know that it hasn't been nor is it the right time for our kids to come down until they do, I have been able to be so thankful! I realized this the other day as I looked back at our morning which went like this: wake up, take a long nice shower, get completely ready and take as long as I want, make a nice breakfast that I ate with my husband while I dinked around on the computer, read my scriptures for 30 minutes, slowly get ready to go out the door and eventually drive to school with my husband as we laughed and talked. After thinking about that, I realized that this time really has been such a blessing and I have a renewed love for this time in our life. I think it has been a blessing because as I hear others talk about their experiences before having kids, they always mention that they wish they would have enjoyed the time they had with only their spouse more. So now that I have this time before our kids come, I have decided to enjoy it as much as possible. And don't get me wrong, I will be glad and willing to sacrifice the types of days I mentioned above, but at this moment when it is just the two of us and we do have days to spend together, I have truly been enjoying it so much more because one day they will be gone. So why not enjoy life and the stage you are at now while you have it?! If you spend your whole life dreaming about what is coming next, you will look back and realize that you never really lived at all. So I choose to LIVE!!! :)
