89 days

Sorry that I have been M.I.A. on this blog for almost 2 months! I have just been busy with life and getting things ready for our precious little boy to come. I am so excited to meet him and I already feel such an INCREDIBLE love for him. As I feel him and watch him kick and move almost all day, my heart fills with gratitude. I start the 3rd trimester on Sunday and it is so crazy to think that I will be entering the last stretch and will only have 12 weeks until his due date. 12 weeks until I meet our very special little boy. It's interesting how the pain I felt before has almost completely disappeared as I carry this little boy. I feel so much gratitude for him and how this pregnancy has been perfect from the beginning. But honestly, I think the reason I feel so much gratitude about the pregnancy going well is because of my past experiences. If I hadn't experienced that I know that I would take it for granted. And I know that others will scoff at the fact that my pain is basically totally gone and tell me that that is impossible. But I KNOW that I was supposed to go through that and that those experiences have brought me to where I am, strengthened me and made me a better person. Instead of pain, I feel strength. Instead of hurt, I feel gratitude. Instead of anger, I feel love. I know that I will have those spirits to raise, and instead of feeling sadness, I feel excitement to meet them. Through this experience I have come to know that this was the will of the Lord and that it was the best thing for me. Of course it took this trial to help me see this and feel these things, but I can say I feel those things with all honesty. And there may be people who do not believe me, but these are the feelings that I feel. completely 100% honest.

(26 1/2 weeks)

I honestly do not live in the past, rehashing memories or pain from before. I look forward, excited about this chapter in my life. I do not relive the hurt because I have so much happiness to enjoy. As I look back on that chapter of my life, I see so TANGIBLY the hand of the Lord directing me and leading me in when we got pregnant (we felt so strongly to get pregnant when we did the 2nd time which was about 2 years earlier than we had expected...we were going to wait until I graduated from college) , the doctors we saw (who I really think were inspired to suggest certain things), the things we did in our plan (like some things we did which may not have made sense to others but we felt prompted to do for example me gaining weight etc.) etc. which all lead to where I am today and to our little boy. That part of my life is something I am truly grateful for because it has brought me to where I am today, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere but here.

"The adversities we face in life are meant to make us better, not bitter.... God did not put us on this earth to fail." - Jon Huntsman

Our little baby boy!

We found out yesterday that our precious little baby is a BOY! Before I was even pregnant, I knew that our baby was going to be a boy so it wasn't too much of a surprise! :) But my heart is so full because he is perfectly healthy and everything looks great. He even measured about a week larger than he should be (but they wont change my date for some reason)! It was so wonderful to see how much he had grown and all his perfect little organs. It's absolutely amazing to think that his little body has been growing in my tummy for the past 20 weeks and will for another 20 weeks. I can't wait to hold him. He is absolutely beautiful already, but maybe I am just biased. I cannot believe how much I already love and adore him. And we haven't even officially met. I hope I can be patient for February 7th to come!

My Sunday has come.

When I wrote the post on April 12th and ended it with a section from Elder Wirthlin's talk entitled "Sunday Will Come" I had no idea how close I was to my own Sunday.

And when I ended that post with the following thought that I had, I didn't realize how soon it was actually coming:

"So while we endure our "Fridays" and the darkness seems to stretch on and on, know that our glorious and joy-filled "Sunday" will come. It is during my moments of dispair and "Friday" moments that the personal promises of my "Sunday" make it worth going strong."

Little did I know that the next month my Sunday would come and the darkness of my "fridays" would be a memory of a time where I grew and became the person that I am today. Little did I know that it was so close. I knew it would happen, but I had no idea how close I really was. I could feel that it was coming, but as I look back I never realized how soon. And as I said above, during the dark moments of my "Friday" experiences, I would dream of when my "Sunday" would come and this is what my dream would look like:

But I had no idea how wonderful it would actually be to be living that dream.

Now I know and as I said at the closing of my post on April 12th, the promises of "Sunday" were worth all of what I had to go through.

I am now almost 15 weeks

and everything has gone perfectly. Those pictures are from our appointment when I was about 12 weeks and I was finally told that I am in the safe zone. It was so amazing to hear that; see our baby kicking it's legs, touching it's face and moving all around and then hear it's little heartbeat.
I feel so blessed.
I know that things can still go wrong, and I still catch myself entertaining worries and "what-if's" even as my belly grows.
But even if something did happen, at least I can carry the image of our baby in my mind and know that I had the blessing of growing a baby for so long.
But I am still so overwhelmed with gratitude to know that a little miracle is growing in my belly.
I already love our baby so much even though we haven't officially met
and the love and joy that I feel make all the pain of my "fridays" melt away and disappear.
It's like a distant memory but the raw pain of miscarriage dissipates instantly when I realize that all that pain, all that suffering and the waiting would bring me our little precious baby.
As I look back I can see the wisdom of an all-knowing father who allowed me to be tested
so that I would appreciate our baby even more
be so grateful even on days when I am so incredibly and miserably sick
make sure that I am the best person possible to be the mother to our special child
have more patience
see the wonderful miracle pregnancy is
and NEVER take it for granted.

What wisdom
and yet I am sure that as I live I will see even more tidbits of wisdom in our experience with miscarriage.

As I said above, I am filled with such a gratitude
for a loving Heavenly Father who helped me and stayed by my side comforting me with his spirit. I know that if I had not been able to rely on Him and my faith I would not look back on my experiences to see them as wonderful learning experiences.

What more can I say than that my heart is so full and I am so grateful.

"...Know thou, my [child],
that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good."
--Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

My decision

The time when we will stop birth control and get pregnant is getting closer and so I have been thinking about how I am going to do things once that happens. I have been trying to decide if I should tell everyone as soon as we find out I am pregnant again or if we should wait until after we find out if everything is looking good. After thinking about it for awhile and weighing it out I have decided that I am going to wait to tell people until we know that things are going good. What I have decided is that I will work on a post that will be formatted like a journal where I will write about when we start trying, find out we are pregnant, doctors appointments, news etc. that I will post after we find out that things are going good or if we find out things are not going good. That way people can know what happened if they want to know. Either way, I will let you know what happened. I may decide later that this is not what I want to do and just spill the beans, but for now this is my plan.

The time is getting closer to when we will start TTC again (aka: stop birth control) after a year break and I am a little nervous. I will feel a lot more comfortable about this pregnancy because of our really proactive game plan. We have never done anything different or had any kind of plan of action with any other pregnancies, so it is nice to know that we have a very proactive plan. We have finally planned to do all of the things that we felt we should do after our second miscarriage and even stronger after our third miscarriage and talked to about half a dozen doctors who all have come to an agreement about what our plan of action should be. So even though it will be scary to stop birth control and start our fourth pregnancy, I feel comfortable because we have done everything we could and made the plan that we felt we should do. The reason I will feel more comfortable with this pregnancy is because I know that I can put it completely in Heavenly Father's hands and I know that what ever happens is the best for us. I would be so happy to have a baby but if it wasn't the right time I love my life SOOO much right now and I would be so happy to have more time with my wonderful husband just the two of us. So it is nice to know that with the worse case scenario, I would still be very very happy. It is good knowing that as we are getting closer to starting again and going into everything.

But I would request a favor of those who wouldn't mind helping. Because the time is getting closer, it would be a huge favor if people would keep us and our soon-to-be baby in their prayers. And for those of you Mormon readers out there, it would be a huge favor if you could remember our little family while you are fasting next fast Sunday. Thank you all for the support and love! :)

P.S. do you remember this post? I think I may have found my camera!! I am so excited and I think if I don't find a better deal I may get it! And then I can really start my photography business like I have always dreamed!!! :) :)

Looking back and looking inward

This is not an announcement at all. We are still waiting for the time to feel right to get pregnant. But I do feel that this trial is getting closer to being over and so recently I have been thinking about the ways that I have grown and changed during the time of this experience. The Relief Society lesson today was on the 120, 121 and 122 sections of the doctrine and covenants and was about trials. So naturally I started to think of the trials that I am experiencing right now. I had so many thoughts during the lesson but one of them stuck out to me and I felt like I should share it during the lesson and also on this blog plus some I did not have time to say (and I did not talk specifically about the trial either). And this is it:

If I were given the opportunity to change the past and have our first baby due August of 2007 I would not even consider it. I would never EVER want to give up this experience because through it I have grown so much closer to my Heavenly Father and my testimony has grown so much. I would never give the dark times of this trial for an easy out because it is during those times that I have felt the Lord by me in ways that I have never felt in any other situation and at any other time. My most sacred and spiritual experiences have been during the times of extreme emotional pain when I cried out to my Savior for help and I was overcome by peace. It has not been easy but that is why I am so thankful for this experience. I feel that I have grown in ways during this trial that I would not have been able to do in any other situation. I would never trade those amazing and special experiences of feeling the Savior so close and knowing he cares so much about me for a baby at the wrong time. I have learned so much about myself and about my relationship with my Savior and I can see the divine point of trials in our life. I have looked back at the little immature 20 year old that was pregnant with her first baby and I can see that how this trial really has made me such a more grounded person. When I was first pregnant, I wanted a baby because it sounded fun and basically wanted a play doll. Now I want OUR children at the right time so that I can help them mature into the servants of God they are meant to be. It has not been an easy path, but through it all I can see the wisdom of a loving Heavenly Father in allowing me to go through this trial. I have come to be so much more grateful for every blessing in our lives because I know that everything is given to us at the perfect time by a perfect God. I can see now how this trial will help me be a better mom for our special children, just as I was told in a blessing. I have learned so much and grown so much and now feel more ready to be the mother for my children like my mom was for me. And it is through this experience that I have felt the love and concern and care of my Savior for me in the most tangible way. Why would I give all this up for something before it is the right time and something that will come, but at the perfect time? I feel that this experience has made my life real and made me more of a substantial and real person. Everyone has those times where after an experience they come out a more real and whole person and this is mine. I was so used to having the perfect life where nothing went wrong before this experience. I had a very strong and loving family who all are strong in the gospel and my best friends. My parents have the most amazing marriage relationship still after 25 years. I was given everything I always wanted and needed as a child. I lived in amazing paradise like places (Laguna Beach, California). I always had supportive and caring friends. I always had a very strong testimony of the Savior. I meet my husband when I was barely 18 years old and was able to see that he is the most amazing person in the world and then get married at 19 after an perfect and problem free courtship. I am now more in love with my husband after almost 3 1/2 years and I have more fun with him than any other person in the world. I have been given almost 3 1/2 years of perfect time to enjoy my husband. I could go on and on. My life has been so amazingly blessed and ultimately perfect And it is through this experience that I have had my testimony and view of life tried. But it is through this experience that my testimony and view of life is a million times more strong and real. Why would I give up having my testimony strengthened and made more real for something before it is the right time and something that will come, but at the perfect time? The fact is, I wouldnt. I do not look back and think "if I could change this experience I would". I look back and see how much more of a person I have become through this, and this is only because of a loving nad all knowing Heavenly Father. Like I have said before, it has not been an easy process and some of my more tragic and horrible experiences of my life have been during this trial (like all 3 times of finding out that our prescious baby had stopped growing and the excurrtiating pain that comes a long with 3 natural miscarriages for starters). But the scripture that talks about how trials are furances to make you a more purified and stronger person is so real to me now. I have felt this and I have felt the amazing strength that comes when you go to the Lord in desperation during those dark times. The strength that I have through all of this is ONLY because of my loving and merciful savior.

So it is on this easter Sunday that I want to share my knowledge of a loving Savior and the truth that if it wasn't for this knowledge in my Savior I would not be in the place that I am. And I mean this specifically in regards to this trial. I would be a wreck of emotional pain constantly without a glimmer of hope. But it is only because of my Savior that I have hope and faith that he will make this trial be for my good (D&C 122:7) and make all things right in the end. It is only because of my Savior that I am as happy as I am and as peaceful as I am during this trial. And it is only because of my Savior's help and love that I know this trial is supposed to happen and will make me a better person. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior and Heavenly Father love me unconditionally and that they are watching out for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior lives. This easter takes on an even more personal note because I know that there is someone that I can go to when I feel a lone because no one I know personally has gone through the same thing I have and feel like no one really understands. It is because of the atonement that I know that I am not alone and I can turn to someone who knows my situation and has felt the feelings I have felt. Because of this experience my gratitude for the atonement, the reason for our Easter holiday, is so much more personal and so much stronger. My gratitude for a loving Savior is more than I can express and more than I can put to words. It consumes my soul and every time I think of my Savior I am full of a love that I cannot express.

Today in sacrament meeting one of the speakers read a quote that I have to share. It is an amazing quote and makes my gratitude on this season of Easter so much more.

"I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

--Joseph B. Wirthlin "Sunday Will Come"

All of us, in our own personal ways have felt or will feel a "Friday" in our lives. In the wisdom and knowledge of a loving God, we are given these times to make us more humble, more reliant on him, more grateful for the "Sundays" and so many more things. Each of us are supposed to learn and grow in different ways, but we will all be given trials of our own. But, we have an amazing command and promise given to us to help us during our "Fridays" D&C 24:8 "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days". We are commanded to be patient but given the blessing that he will be with us during every moment of our afflictions. What a wonderful blessing. So while we endure our "Fridays" and the darkness seems to stretch on and on, know that our glorious and joy-filled "Sunday" will come. It is during my moments of dispair and "Friday" moments that the personal promises of my "Sunday" make it worth going strong.

I am so thankful for my Savior and all of the wonderful and amazing peace He has blessed me with during the hard times of this trial and during the times he has given me strength. I am truly grateful for the companionship He has been and is to me.

My heart is so full on this Easter Sunday and I know that my Savior lives.

That didn't last long!

So I decided as I was laying in bed last night that this blog is really for me to record thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I forget about this main reason for my blog and worry about what those reading it will think. But I need to forget that and I realized that if I write something people aren't interested in reading, then they can just skip over it to get to the part that they like. So if I write something you don't care to read then go ahead and skip it. But I am going to write things that happen and not worry that it isn't interesting to everyone else.

Well, on that note last month I decided that I wanted to chart my cycle using the BBT temperature format to get some information and hopefully more leads on what we should do before getting pregnant again. At the end of the month I looked back and realized that I indeed had a short luteal phase and therefore low progesterone. I did know that with BBT charts you need to have a trained doctor look at my charts to determine if this was the case. So I called the doctors office that I wanted to go to when we get pregnant again and asked to make an appointment with a doctor that is trained to read BBT charts. They were able to make me an appointment for the next morning which was a slight miracle in and of itself because that was the last appointment he had free until the middle of March! So I went in and saw him and made a plan to not tell him any of the conclusions I had come to through my research about the things that could be wrong and therefore treatment. I find that when I tell doctors about what I think is my problem all they do is tell me that is right and don't give me any other information and ideas. For most of this journey I have been my very own doctor. So to hopefully get more information, I just waited for him to draw conclusions from my last chart. He did confirm that I have a short luteal phase and this means that my progesterone levels are indeed low (which was confirmed by a day 21 progesterone check--they were SUPER low even though I ovulated). So with this in mind and something that was unknown before any other meeting with a doctor, he gave me a list of things that I can do that would be the most proactive plan that he gives to those others of his patients that have recurrent miscarriage. He gave me like 3 more very very proactive things that I can do to help prevent multiple miscarriage. He said that I can do the other things that the previous doctor who retired on me (the nerve!!) said I should do. But he was a little worried about me taking the Femara because he said that he usually only gives it to those who have a hard time getting pregnant and since we do not have a problem with that he said that our chances for multiples increase more than it does usually for those who take it and have infertility problems. The chances for multiples in our situation is higher than even how high it is in the first place...and I didn't even tell him that the previous doctor wrote me a prescription for a double dose that is now sitting on my refrigerator (I had it filled a couple months ago because I wasn't sure when I would feel it was ready to get pregnant again) so I wonder if that increases my chances even more! haha So needless to say, we are going to pray about that because he was pretty worried about that as he said it is a pretty likely thing. But if it isn't supposed to happen, then it won't. So far we feel good about it and so if we are supposed to have multiples then we will and if not, then we won't. :)

I do know that even if this whole huge proactive plan doesn't work that we are on our path to finding the answer. I have felt strongly I should get as much information and the most proactive plan I can before getting pregnant again. So that is a comfort. There is a chance that it will not work out this time around and with this pregnancy. But it sure is nice to know that I am doing everything I can and now I am placing it in the Lord's hands. It is so incredibly nice to have that comfort.

I do feel REALLY good about this new doctor and I am really excited to have a good doctor that I trust and is proactive. It's funny because I only met with him once, but I had such a good feeling about him as my next doctor. I had such a horrible experience with my last doctors who I was with during my 3rd miscarriage that I wanted to find someone completely new. So I am thankful to have a doctor all set up for when we decide to get pregnant! My other good doctor that I saw was only a specialist and wouldn't deliver babies, but this doctor is not a specialist and so he could deliver our baby(s) if we have them here while we live here. It was so nice that he has a really good plan and he did say that when he puts his other patients who have had a problem with recurrent miscarriage on this plan, it has worked really well for them. So we are glad to have more things to do and more proactive things to do before we get pregnant again. It is nice to have more plans because I feel that with this the time where I feel comfortable to get pregnant again is getting closer. Well I might add some more stuff later but I got to go.

Writers block.

I am going through writers block with this blog. I am at a lose of what to post about even though we have been finding out more things from doctors and finding out things that the doctors want us to try. We have a lot of proactive things that we are doing and some things that the doctors are more hopeful about. I have been having some great and wonderful experiences and emotions. But I don't know what to write. Things are happening, great news is coming, but for some reason I don't know what to put on this blog. I am worried that talking about our news from the doctors, neat experiences and emotions because I am afraid that people don't really care about that stuff. I also feel weird posting about things like this because I feel like others have it worse. I may take a break from this blog for a possible day or two, week or two, month or two or who knows how long. I don't know what to talk about, what is helpful, what is interesting and what people want to hear. Any ideas would be nice :)

Peace

Sorry I haven't been updating this as much as I would like to. This last semester has been keeping me really busy! But I just wanted to record some feelings and emotions I have had lately.

In the very recent past (before this post from a couple months ago happened), there was a lot of fear. A lot of questioning and doubt and all those negative emotions. These didn't happen constantly, but they were the underlying emotions through this whole ordeal. I would question blessings and revelation and always expect the worst. But then I had the epiphany I wrote about earlier and things started to dramatically change. I stopped questioning and doubting, but had faith that Heavenly Father would keep his promises. But I was still a little scared of how long it would be. That was the first step. Then after some experiences we had, I started to realize that truly this was the Lord's will and I was being guided. My fear started to disappear but there were still moments of weakness when my old emotions would creep back in.

Then recently, without any huge thing happening and even without my noticing, the fear was replaced with peace and the doubt was replaced with excitement and the questioning was replaced with faith. I hardly could sense it because it was a gradual thing but I finally knew for sure that our kids would come in the Lord's time and that would be the best timing possible. I started to get really excited again and realize that if we did our part, then our special little children would come in the perfect time. I stopped stressing about how long it would take (even though sometimes I still have moments of weakness), if there were things I could do to make it come sooner and even stopped wanting it to come sooner than it should. It was such a wonderful blessing and I truly feel it has been one of the greatest tender mercy. Almost all of the fear, doubt, stress etc. has been taken a way. I say almost because there are moments of weakness. But one day as my hubby and I were going to the temple we started to talk about it and he brought up a scripture and I realized this is exactly what I am going through. It is in Mosiah 24:14 "And I will also ease the burden which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage..." This is exactly how I feel. Even though my trial is not over, I really feel that parts of it are. So, in explanation, even though we still do not have children and I still feel that we should wait & take a break from even trying/getting pregnant again, I feel that the trial of learning to overcome fear, doubt and disappointment is almost over. Like I said before, I still have moments of weakness, but the underlying emotion of this trial has taken a complete 180 degree change and it is now hope, peace, trust in the Savior and reassurance. I truly thank Heavenly Father for this every day because I could not have made this switch without Him.

And honestly, I am starting to truly see even more than I think I ever have how truly blessed My hubby and I are to have this time just the two of us. I always knew that it was a blessing, but unconsciously I would have traded that for a baby any day. But now that I know that it hasn't been nor is it the right time for our kids to come down until they do, I have been able to be so thankful! I realized this the other day as I looked back at our morning which went like this: wake up, take a long nice shower, get completely ready and take as long as I want, make a nice breakfast that I ate with my husband while I dinked around on the computer, read my scriptures for 30 minutes, slowly get ready to go out the door and eventually drive to school with my husband as we laughed and talked. After thinking about that, I realized that this time really has been such a blessing and I have a renewed love for this time in our life. I think it has been a blessing because as I hear others talk about their experiences before having kids, they always mention that they wish they would have enjoyed the time they had with only their spouse more. So now that I have this time before our kids come, I have decided to enjoy it as much as possible. And don't get me wrong, I will be glad and willing to sacrifice the types of days I mentioned above, but at this moment when it is just the two of us and we do have days to spend together, I have truly been enjoying it so much more because one day they will be gone. So why not enjoy life and the stage you are at now while you have it?! If you spend your whole life dreaming about what is coming next, you will look back and realize that you never really lived at all. So I choose to LIVE!!! :)

"Follow Me"

The other day my hubby and I were walking to the car in the parking lot and it had been a long day so I was really tired. So I closed my eyes and told my hubby to lead me to the car. We decided to play a game. He told me I wasn't allowed to open my eyes at all and just had to trust him to lead me to the car. So I played along and didn't last very long. I would feel the ground go up a little and open my eyes. I would see the shadow of the telephone poles through my eyelids and I was afraid I was going to run in to something and open my eyes. Every little thing at first would make me stop, open my eyes and lose trust that my hubby would never let me run in to something. Even though I completely, 100 % trust him, I was still scared and would still open my eyes to make sure he was really watching. We were laughing so hard, because it was so riduculous that I kept opening my eyes just because the light changed.

So finally after a couple times of me stopping & opening my eyes, we changed the rules of the game so that I was not allowed to open my eyes at all. That was so hard! There were times when I was tempted to open my eyes and I would slow down or just stop until I was okay to keep going. But after awhile, I realized I was totally safe. Also, my hubby was laughing at me because I would keep pulling him the way I thought the car was, when it was completely in the opposite direction that I thought it wasSo then he would laugh and just put me on the right path. And the little fears that I would trip on something or run into something would make me cower and grab a hold of him. But when I would actually hold tighter to his arm rather than stop walking completely, I would gain more trust in him to safely lead me to the car. But the weirdest thing was when we finally made it to our goal (the car) and I opened my eyes. I looked back to where I had first closed my eyes and while he was leading me with my eyes closed it felt like we had been walking forever and seemed so much longer than it should be. I thought for sure he was taking me a long way to tease me. But looking back as I was waiting for my hubby to open my door, I realized it really wasn't that long at all and he took the most direct shot to the car. At that moment, it was almost as if we had stimulated my trial (and this can apply to anyone else trials no matter what it is) and all of these realizations hit both of us at the same time. I realized this:

1. The road can somedays seem so long (like some of the days at the beginning of the semester for me when I was trying to decide about my major) and some times I wonder why it has to take so long and why I have to hit so many (what I think are) roadblocks to have our children. Somedays I am weak, I get tired of "walking" and I feel like it is going forever & taking to long. But I know that I will look back and realize it wasn't that long and it was the most "direct" (or right) path for me. I thought for sure my hubby was taking me on the longest path back to the car, but it wasn't the case at all. I know I will look back and see that the Lord was taking me the way I need to go. Also, sometimes I would pull the opposite way because I was sure that the quickest way to the car was not where he was leading me. But how could I have known?? I couldn't see, but yet I still thought I knew the way. How many times during a trial do we think that we know the best way for us to go? I realized that I am sure I pull more than I think, assuming that I know the best/quickest way for me to get to my goal. But just as I couldn't see because my eyes were closed, I cant see where I am going now and so just as I stopped pulling after I realized I really had no idea where I was going, all of us (and me included!!) need to stop pulling the Lord the way we think we "should" go. Because we are blind to our future and what really is best, we need to trust in the one who is not blind to our future and what really is best.

2. When the road would become uneven or light was changed because a telephone pole was blocking the sun for an instant, I would stop because I was afraid that mu hubby might run me into something and I might hurt myself. I thought back of all the times that I get scared because someone or something tells me something that makes me lose hope/faith, or I get discouraged, or I get scared of the future (wondering how many more miscarriages are in my future), or the unknown stresses me out etc. just because of something that I think is there and it's not. I get scared of the shadows of different ominous aspects of this trial (like getting scared that there are no kids in my future which would make the Lord & Heavenly Father & the Holy Ghost complete liars which I KNOW they are not) even though they are not in my path at all. In reality there was no telephone pole in my path to the car, but I was scared there was just because of a shadow. How many times are we afraid of little shadows that really are nothing to be scared of? How many times do we let these little shadows stop our progress because we allow fear to replace faith? I realized that we have so many fears in our lives, so many stresses but if we are being led by Christ and ALLOW his to be led, then our fears are just "shadows".

3. my hubby had his eyes open and he loves me more than I have ever dreamed I could be loved. And the amazing thing is, Heavenly Father loves me more than anyone else could love me. Considering this, I can know without a doubt that just as my hubby took me on the best possible path to the car that my Heavenly Father will also take me on the best possible path through life. This knowledge is why I KNOW that Heavenly Father loves me even though I am going through this trial. I can know that He will watch my path very closly and keep me safe and only let me go through the things that are the best for me.

I am walking this path with the Lord and I know that I am not alone at any second of this path I am on right now. I am being led, blessed and upheld as I walk blindfolded down this path.

Also, after my hubby talked about all the ways that experience was like life I thought of a poem I was given in a class last year. I will post it later tonight after I get home from a meeting.

"Have you ever wondered what it must have been like to have lived in the days of the Savior? If you had been there, would you have heeded His call “Follow me”? Perhaps a more realistic question might be, “If the Savior were to call you today, would you be just as willing to leave your nets and follow Him?"
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

It makes ALL the difference!

I don't really know where to start and how to express myself. It is such a simple thing. It may not seem like anything special or important. As a Mormon, we talk about it a lot, read it on almost every page in the Book of Mormon and probably have this single word somewhere in our house. I don't think it was until I went through this experience that I truly understood it for myself.

Faith.

We hear about it all the time, we talk about it and read talk after talk after talk from general authorities about it. But do I truly know what faith is? I think I have began to understand this simple yet magnificently deep principle. It has made ALL the difference for me. After going through the experience I talked about below and others that I haven't written, the pain of miscarriage has been decreased so much that it has almost disappeared. Through faith my pain has disappeared and in it's place is a reassurance and a joy that brings a smile to my face every time I think of it. But I can't tell you exactly how, when or what it is because I truly feel that faith is different for every person. However, gaining my faith has brought so much peace and happiness to my soul. I know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father will keep his promises and that each day and each miscarriage brings me closer to the promises I have been given. The feelings I have felt remind me of this scripture that I love:

"...I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in Godeven so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day."

This is so true. I have found that when my faith/trust is less than it should be, I feel more encompassed about by pain and hurt from my trials. But when I put my trust and faith in Heavenly Father, the pain disperses and my joy and love for my Savior increases and even though I still might miscarry in the future, I feel that I have been delivered from the pain of this trial. It is so simple, but faith has made all of the difference for me.

Also, last night my hubby and I both had a very special spiritual experience together regarding our children. I won't go into detail, but what I did want to write about was something I realized as I recorded it in my journal. If we had not been reading our scriptures as a family and saying family prayers, this experience would not have happened. After this experience, I realized that the Lord does use small and simple means to bring about the important. It was through the simple act of reading scriptures together, that a great experience happened.

You know they say that sometimes people need something big to really bring them to Christ and increase their faith. Well, I know that this is supposed to help me and I really feel that this experience is teaching me more than I would in any other experience. Looking back at who I was when I started and who I am today, I can really understand what the Lord meant when He told me that this experience is for my good. Honestly, I wouldn't change the past. I wouldn't give up the growing and the relationship I have with my Savior for our children when they weren't supposed to come. I can see now that this experience would teach me so much and the Lord truly is all knowing. I was also told in a blessing that this experience would help me children and my posterity and I am beginning to see how that is possible. My hubby and I were talking about all the stories and the miracles we have experienced that we can tell our children about our journey of bringing them to our family. I think those stories, the miracles and the spiritual experiences we have had about them will help them understand how special they are and many other things. It sure is interesting to look back though and see how different I am from the beginning to now... But through it all, and all the things that I have learned through this experience is that we should truly rely on the scriptures. I was just thinking about how much this has helped and wanted to share a chapter that I have decided to read everyday on top of my daily reading. It is Ether chapter 12 and it talks all about the importance of faith in our life. It is a gem. But this little sentance has been such a strength to me: "And they obtained not the promise until AFTER their faith." This has helped me realize that I have promises made from the spirit and that these will only come until after I have faith. This has helped me at times when the adversary tries to destroy my faith to stay strong and not give in to despair.

It really has made all the difference.

"And neither at any time hath any wrought miracles until AFTER their faith..." Ether 12: 18
"...For I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supposed in their trials." Alma 36:3