Angst.

This is a hint to those who have no trouble having children or people in general: NEVER EVER say to someone who doesn't have kids "It's about time you have kids" or something to that matter. And please don't proceed to tell them that they have been married long enough and the righteous thing is to have kids. You never know what emotional roller coaster they are going through to have their kids and how much they would love to give you a glimpse into that pain so that you would promptly shove your foot into your mouth. Don't ever judge anyone who is without children, because you have no idea what is going on. Remember the line from the hymn "Lord, I would follow thee" which goes "Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow thee." Just give them the benefit of the doubt and understand that in most cases, they are people who are doing the best that they can.

For some reason I have heard these words lately from almost everyone I see. What is going on?! Do I have some sign on my head that tells everyone to call me to repentance because I am some selfish person who needs to focus on the important things in life like a family? Sometimes I want to tell them what I have been through so that they will understand. But I hate awkward situations so we just say "we are trying (even though we aren't right now, but still), and waiting for it to happen in the Lord's time". That usually does the job, they get the hint and of course it's awkward anyways because they realize what they just said. Jeeze!! Like I would never go up to someone who is older and unmarried and say "you really need to stop being selfish and finally get married! That is the right thing to do!" because that wouldn't be good. Now I understand that people have really good intentions and I am sure that every person that says these things probably has them, I just wish that people wouldn't say things like that when they don't know the situation. Sorry, I just have been so frustrated by these comments lately and so there is my spew.

Anyways, on other updates I went and had my blood taken so that they can test for an actual adrenal gland problem. I am scared to get the results back in case that is not what is going on. Aside from the miscarriage problem, I have been horribly tired my entire life (like I wake up after 8-9 hours of sleep more tired than when I went to bed etc.) and I want to find the answer. I want to find a solution so that I can function normally without feeling like I had just pulled an all-nighter when I slept for the perfect amount of hours. Sometimes it feels worse than how tired you are when you are pregnant. Also, I have been trying to gain some more weight for the past couple months (actually the past couple years after I lost about 12 pounds when we first got married after a horrible detox diet) and have only been able to gain some of it back. I want to be in the healthy range and I think my doctor thinks that this might fix that problem too. There are other things like this that I am hoping the adrenal gland problem would fix (basically I have all the symptoms of having an adrenal gland problem and they are all frustrating and I want them to be fixed). But I am so scared they will call me with my test results and tell me that I am fine in that regard, and my search for my neverending sleepiness will continue. I just want to feel normal.

Haha sorry that this is kind of a downer post. Now you know that not all about this trial is happy and strengthening. Sometimes I have hard days and I wish that some people wouldn't open their mouths so that they wouldn't make it more difficult. Everyone, please, always think before you say something. I have decided through this that I will always give people the benefit of the doubt because you never will know what everyone is going through. It really has been a good learning opportunity.

And please don't worry about me because I love my life and I am really happy. I feel so much better after I wrote that. Sorry you have to read my spew, but usually after I write something down after a frustration I feel 100% better. Also, don't worry about me being freakishly sensitive or something like that because I am not. Everyone should now I am completely fine talking about it with everyone and I am not some fragile, insecure person that will freak out if anyone says anything. I guess recently I have felt a little judged, which I think isn't fair because I have not done anything on that front to merit the judgement. Next step: ask for forgiveness for getting so frustrated. opps. :)

"My message to you today, my brothers and sisters, is simply this: the Lord is in control. He knows the end from the beginning. He has given us adequate instruction that, if followed, will see us safely through any crisis. His purposes will be fulfilled, and someday we will understand the eternal reasons for all of these events. Therefore, today we must be careful to not overreact...but what we must do is keep the commandments of God and never lose hope! But where do we find hope in the midst of such turmoil and catastrophe? Quite simply, our one hope for spiritual safety during these turbulent times isto turn our minds and our hearts to Jesus Christ." --M. Russell Ballard, Nov.1992 Ensign

A good quote...or 2

Man, I have been stumbling across some really good quotes and yes I am a quote person, which would explain why I think that is cool. Here is the first one that I found on someones blog and might be worthy enough to go on my wall...

"Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, its about learning to dance in the rain."

How good is that? I love it and I think that it is so true. We need to stop thinking about what life is going to be like when this or that happens or stops happening. One thing I have learned through all of this that is so valuable, is to just enjoy the here and now because this is all we have and it is guaranteed that we will look back later and realize our wonderful our life was. So just enjoy life no matter the stage you are in because before you know it, it will be gone.

Ok here is the other quote that I really liked, and helped me realize something simple but powerful. The other day I was thinking about how I am doing through this trial and I came across this quote which really helped me see something I need to fix. Here is the quote:

"The Lord is willing to give. But because there are fears in our hearts and therefore lack of faith, we cannot receive. The first step, then, toward spiritual knowledge is to get rid of all fear, to be full of trust and faith. In other words there must be a certainty of knowledge. There is no spiritual gain on the fifty-fifty basis. You cannot ask for a discount when you go into the kingdom of heaven. The full price must be paid." (John A. Widtsoe, The Message of the Doctrine and Covenants [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969], p. 43.)

Wow. I know I have talked about my struggle of how to get rid of fear, but now I know the importance. Fear and faith cannot exist in the same place so when I harbor fear, faith is gone. Another thing I realized is that if fear and faith cannot co-exist in the same place, and Heavenly Father is the author of faith, then who is the author of fear? Definitely not Heavenly Father and therefore I have given control to someone else who my feelings. Of course he wants me to be fearful, because then I cannot have faith. Scary! I really need to step it up and get rid of fear and just have faith in my knowledge that I will be a mother, but it will happen in the best possible time. How wonderful is that? I can enjoy my life with just my wonderful husband and I without worrying about our children coming at the best time because I know they will. So my quest now is to get rid of fear and allow the sweet healing balm of faith take it's place. I am so glad I found that quote because when I stop allowing fear that we won't have a family (which is ridiculous for me to think that way because I have had personal promises from the spirit and my patriarchal blessing as well telling me I will be a mother) to control my thoughts, then I have so much peace! Pretty simple I know, but yet so powerful.

Starting to see

It's fun as I start to see some of the reasons/good things that come with this particular trial...Here are some of the ones that I have been thinking of today:

1. Richard mentioned in passing something I had already thought of, but it hit me even harder today. He said "I bet we are going to look back and be so grateful we had at least three wonderful years with just the two of us." This is the first thing that everyone tells us when they find out we don't have kids! "Enjoy this time you guys have together!!" We are so blessed to have this much time and have been able to do all of the fun things we have been blessed to do during this time. It really is a blessing, and as we are going on cruises, traveling, attending classes together, sleeping in, laying in bed talking after waking up and running out on a spontaneous date/shopping sprees I realize that these times are precious and once our children start coming, those days will be gone!

2. As I was reading the pregnancy blog of a friend today who had to wait 2 1/2 years before she got pregnant, she said something that really hit home to me:

"I never thought I would be so grateful that we had to wait so long, but it's really made it so we know that he's really a miracle and truely a huge blessing in our lives, not just something that happens to people once they get married."

With my background of being the oldest of 8 children and this being one of the first years my mom has not been pregnant or nursing (even then, she had her 6th miscarriage this past June or July...), I have been surrounded by children. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore children, but If we had had our 1st child a year ago like we should have, I would have totally taken advantage of our children and not been as grateful. With this experience, I will enjoy every single aspect of being a mother, and because it took us longer than we thought, I will just be happy to have children who are blowing out their diapers, whining or waking me up in the night. I will simply be so grateful that they are alive and with me. This is such a huge blessing, and I am grateful that I will not take advantage of the fact we have children but be so incredibly thankful they are in our home. (This all made sense in my head while I was thinking and cleaning...but it didn't come out as I thought...hope it makes sense haha)

3. I get to prepare to be the kind of mother my children deserve and the kind of mother that my mom was for me. This is a great blessing. I will be prepared and ready...well as much as someone can be for motherhood ;)

On that note, for all of those mothers who are reading this, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me prepare. What are some things that you wished you would have done to prepare? Or what are some things that you did do to prepare that really helped? Also, any of those not yet moms like me, what are you doing to prepare? I need some more ideas :)

I have the basics like reading my scriptures for at least 30 minutes, praying, trying to gain charity, having gratitude, making our home like a temple, being loving, being patient etc. on my list of goals, but what else do you think I should add?

"... be happy. The gospel is a thing of joy. It provides us with a reason for gladness. Of course there are times of sorrow. Of course there are hours of concern and anxiety. We all worry. But the Lord has told us to lift our hearts and rejoice. I see so many people,including many women, who seem never to see the sunshine, but who constantly walk with storms under cloudy skies. Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine."--Gordon B. Hinckley (Ensign, Nov. 1984, pp. 91-92)

Happy birthday

Dear baby,

Today would have been your birthday.

I probably would be in the hospital recovering,

Really uncomfortable as I wait for you to come,

Or learning how to be a new mom.

I would have carried you for nine months,

Felt you move

and learned to love you.

But Heavenly Father had a better plan,

He knew what was best for me

What was best for you.

Before I was able to hold you,

see you

or kiss you

He called you home to heaven, where you belong.

I know that you were supposed to go,

This was meant to be.

But this doesn't mean I don't wish

I could be your mommy here on earth.

That doesn't mean I don't hurt somedays

Wondering what you would have looked like,

or What you would have been like.

In the quiet moments

I can feel you by me

Helping strengthen me

and telling me it will all work out.

I know that I will see you one day,

I will get to hold and love you

the way I want to so bad right now.

I know you are special,

and with your other siblings,

Doing a work that only you could do.

Please know that I love you

and you hold a very special place in my heart.

Please strengthen me when I yearn to hold you

and stay by my side when I can't bear the load.

You will be the reason that I try so hard,

The reason I push through when the days are dark

and my strength is thinning.

Because I know that the only way I can hold you

Is if I stay true.

You are my little angel

and even though I have never seen you,

Held you,

Kissed you

or feel you,

I love you.

You are my special guardian angel.

Love,

Your mommy.

So I have officially passed all of my due dates. The first August 4, 2007, the second May 21, 2008 and October 12, 2008. It's a little hard, and for the first time in a long time, I let myself really cry. I try to hold it in, because it makes it easier to not always dwell on it. But it felt good just to let it go. It's hard, but not as hard as I thought. It was amazing, because in Relief Society, the lesson was on staying steadfast through trials. I accidentally read the wrong one before church and we didn't have that long for the lesson so I read it after I got home. I don't even know where to begin. It was in the Joseph Smith manual and reading the words of the prophet who went through trials that I can't even conceive of, as he tells us to stay faithful and strong through trials I am completely humbled. I wish I could copy the whole chapter, because it is full of amazing strength. Here are some of the sections I particularly liked:

"The destinies of all people are in the hands of a just God, and He will do no injustice to any one; and this one thing is sure, that they who will live godly in Christ Jesus, shall suffer persecution; and before their robes are made white in the blood of the Lamb, it is to be expected...they will pass through great tribulation."

"Men have to suffer that they may come upon Mount Zion and be exalted above the heavens."

"The power of the Gospel will enable us to stand and bear with patience the great affliction that is falling upon us on all sides...Yea, all things shall work together for good to them who are willing to lay down their lives for Christ's sake."

"I know in whom I trust; I stand upon the rock; the floods cannot, no, they shall not, overthrow me." (WOW! If Joseph Smith can say that, despite all the horrible things he went through, I can too. And I do. This trial will not overthrow me.)

"Let us not sorrow as 'those without hope'; the time is fast approaching when we shall see them again and rejoice together..."

"At that time the hearts of the widows and fatherless shall be comforted, and every tear shall be wiped from their faces. The trials they have had to pass through shall work together for their good, and prepare them for the society of those who have come up out of great tribulation, and have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the lamb."

"...Our trust is in God, and we are determined, His grace assisting us, to maintain the cause and hold out faithful unto the end, that we may be crowned with crowns of celestial glory and enter into the rest that is prepared for the children of God."

I basically quoted the whole thing, because it is full of wonderful peace and strength. I admonish all of you to go back and read this (the 19th chapter in the Joseph Smith manual) because it is so wonderful and uplifting to hear the prophet Joseph Smith tell us how to have strength through trials. I have so much love and respect for our prophet as he stayed faithful and strong.

I know that my Heavenly Father is watching out for me and knows what I need during this time. But at the same time, I feel like this is a new beginning. Not that I am pushing them away, but I feel like I can start anew. Holy cow this isn't easy. I can feel my heart strings being pulled, but I know that I have to stay strong and keep my faith. I could not function if I lost my faith. That and my wonderful husband are the only things keeping me going. I hope you don't think this post is to melodramatic. Like I said in the opening post, this is for me too and sometimes I write the things I need to write (writing is a great "therapy" for me). At this point, I am looking towards the future, and excited for what ever is next. I am so grateful for this opportunity in my life to be strengthened and brought closer to my Heavenly Father. It is during this trial that I have felt the closest to my Savior and Heavenly Father, and I know that they live. I don't know what lies ahead of us, whether it be 5, 10 or 15 more years of this trial or if it is almost over. But what I do know, is that I will keep my faith and I will allow this opportunity, as it is meant to, strengthen my faith.

Just as Joseph Smith said above, my faith is in God and I am determined.

Once again, please don't worry about me, I am doing wonderful. This is just making me stronger and more worthy for our special children.

"Stand fast, ye Saints of God, hold on a little while longer, and the storm of life will be past, and you will be rewarded by that God whose servants you are, and who will duly appreciate all your toils and afflictions for Christ's sake and the Gospel's. Your names will be handed down to posterity as Saints of God." --Jospeh Smith Jr.

hmmmm...

Last night I decided as I am mentally preparing myself for what I would do if this one does happen I should probably do the same for if it didn't work out. Richard helped me do that when I was pregnant with #2 telling me either I would have a baby or he would take me on another cruise (it's awesome--we have decided that with every miscarriage or every year that we don't have kids...because sometimes I am pregnant twice a year and we have school...we will go on a fun trip). So back to last night. I started imagining what I would do if it didn't work out even down to the way I would react when I found out via. ultrasound or bleeding again. Holy cow. I don't know if I am ready for that. Emotionally and physically (it's a very painful experience if you do it natural which I always do...)! I don't know if I am strong enough to do it again. But I can't put it off for too much longer because we have put off getting pregnant for the 4th time for 6 months already. Sooner or later we have to make the plunge. It's just scary and requires A LOT of faith. I have been praying and asking Heavenly Father for strength because I know already I will need him every step of the way next time. So to prepare on the positive side, I have decided to take up the planning of our next fun vacation (our last was a cruise to Mexico! Here is the link to our pictures: click here). Having this to look forward to helps so much and really made the difference last times. I highly suggest that anyone going through something like this (infertility...even though it's weird to call miscarriage infertility because we dont have a trouble getting pregnant...but whatever) should really have something to take your mind off it and look forward to. This can be different for every person, but for us fun trips is a great distraction because its a load of fun and also this is something we can't do when we have kids.

So the planning begins...this is one of the best parts of our "struggle"! :)

"We've been testing your metal... it's not always easy; it's not supposed to be! It's time when the metal is stressed almost to it's breaking point that it gains the most strength." --Unknown

He loves me

That was my favorite session yet. Wow. I sat through the four sessions at my in-laws house and felt that every talk was answering some of my questions, giving me strength and was directed to me. It was so amazing that the speakers, prompted by the spirit, were able to touch my heart so greatly, as I am sure everyone else listening according to their questions, etc. I can't wait for the Ensign next month to come out so that I can keep it close to read it over and over again. I feel strengthened and the tender mercies of the Lord helping me realize that He is the foundation of my soul and that I cannot do ANYTHING in my life without Him. I am so thankful that I have the gospel in my life and the peace that comes only through my Savior. I want to write all the things that I loved and felt strengthened by, and I can't wait for the conference session so that I can do that. This session helped me also realize, more strongly, that He loves me. I am so grateful to my Savior and my heart swells with love for Him...

Also, today I was talking to my wonderful sister and we were talking about the things I have been going through. She asked me if it talked about children in my patriarchal blessing and I went on to tell her that it talked about my children and posterity in my blessing and how Richard's blessing talks about our children and how to raise them to be righteous (actually so does mine). Then I went on to tell her some strong promises that I have been given through priesthood blessings Richard has given me regarding our children, and yet trying to tell her I was still scared I wouldn't have children. I realized then, that many blessings I have been given had told me I would have children and I was still scared. This was not what Heavenly Father wanted, and I was not having faith and trust in him. Now I don't know when they will come and there is even a possibility that they might come through adoption (the Lord works in mysterious ways), but I should not be scared but trust in the Lord to keep all his promises. Once I realized this, I had the most wonderful feeling of peace and the fear and doubt was gone. I will trust and have faith in the Lord that he will keep his promises, and I will keep my end of the deal by trying as hard as I can to stay worthy. Once again, I am so thankful for my Savior and the peace he gives me!

"My son [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high." D&C 121: 7-8

"Don't worry, be happy"

Just as people think that having a low self-esteem is a form of humility, I learned today that though it is not good for me to get my hopes up, it is not good for me to lose hope. Today I was doing some research about what the doctor had said and the road he thinks we should take, and I started to lose all hope. I had thought that it would be good for me to completely get rid of all my hope, but all that did was leave me empty and sad. As I do about everything, I talked to Richard about what I was feeling and he said that Heavenly Father wouldn't want me to feel that way. I think that just as it is not good for us to have low self-esteem and think we are humble, we shouldn't destroy all hope for something and think that is what we should do. In the scriptures, we are told to have hope. But, my dear husband pointed out that maybe I shouldn't have hope or expect one or the other to happen, but just have hope and reassurance that Heavenly Father is in control. That is the greatest source of peace and the best thing to place my hope in. Either being hopeful that this pregnancy will work out or accepting that it will not can lead to sadness. The best is to be hopeful and put all my faith/assurance in that the Lord is directing and in control of my life. What more could I want?

So to cheer me up, Richard put on our family song by Bobby McFerrin (which I LOVE) called "Don't Worry, be Happy" and here are the lyrics. Anyone that is having a hard time, should play this song and (especially if your husband sings along with the song), it will bring a smile to your face!

Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy.
In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy now.

CHORUS:
Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, be happy.

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy.
The landlord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy.

CHORUS:
(Look at me -- I'm happy. Don't worry, be happy.
Here I give you my phone number. When you worry, call me,
I make you happy. Don't worry, be happy.)

Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got no gal to make you smile
Don't worry, be happy.
'Cause when you worry your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
Don't worry, be happy.

CHORUS:
(Don't worry, don't worry, don't do it.
Be happy. Put a smile on your face.
Don't bring everybody down.
Don't worry. It will soon pass, whatever it is.
Don't worry, be happy.
I'm not worried, I'm happy...)