Running a marathon

Putting it bluntly, this part of my battle with miscarriage is hard. Situations like this, when I have to make serious and big decisions, make me feel the test even greater.

Now a disclaimer: I am in the brunt of it, so things sound and seem worse...chances are, once I write this I will be fine. Just like this post, I feel renewed and strengthened a lot after the hard time, but still, the hard times exist.

I think I may have mentioned before that I want to get tested for a uterine septum as soon as possible especially with the Christmas break coming up. Well I put off calling the doctor to find out about it, forgot and then called and called and called...finally I got a call back (don't get me wrong, I love doctors, but sometimes they are hard to get a hold of) and I find out that it has to be done at a certain point in my cycle (which with my cycles, is nearly impossible to pin-point). So I have to get it done a couple days after we were planning to leave for Christmas break. And if I don't take that appointment, I will have to wait for the next point in my cycle which would land me at the beginning of the semester. This is rough because (if needed) classes + surgery is horrible. blah blah blah. It's just hard because I can stress myself out thinking that time is passing, but then I can't ignore the prompting I have had to get tests done before we get pregnant again. It's just hard to know what tests to get, how many to get, when to stop, when to do them etc. etc. This is the part of the miscarriage battle I don't like. And I don't know what's going on because every decision I have to make right now just ends up with confusion and fear. I had decided to do photography (Which is still exciting), but the way I want to do it I cant decide. Do I stick with my current degree or change my degree to finish early? I make a decision and get scared. luckily I know that I want to do photography, but the how is the decision that seems impossible to make. Then add onto that: how many tests do I do before getting pregnant next time? Do I wait until after I graduate? When should I do them? Do I put my education on a back burner so I can focus on tests? How many more tests do they even have for me? What if I don't do a certain test I need to do at a certain point? Yeah I know I shouldn't stress out about that stuff, and logically I see that I am just giving my self more situations to stress out but it's hard to see that at times like this. It's times like these, when Heavenly Father steps back and requires me to make a decision when I flounder. It's like when Heavenly Father asked the brother of Jared to figure out how to light the barges and doesn't tell him how to do it. That is exactly what I feel is going on. I feel like Heavenly Father is being silent as I make a decision. Yikes, this could sound bitter or angry and please believe me I AM NOT AT ALL!! I just get scared when I am left to myself to make a decision. I am already indecisive so maybe this is to help me get over that haha :) Luckily, I know that if I make the wrong decision Heavenly Father will stop me before I get too far, but it's making the decision and going down the path that is scary for me! Today was neat though. My hubby has started a practicum for his seminary teaching class, where he teaches 2 classes a day for a week (it is going AWESOME and he LOVES it!!) and yesterday he was randomly asked by one of the teachers to teach another class (having 2 classes is unheard of in a practicum--even the full-time teachers said it would be too hard for them, so he was excited when he got another class) so this morning I went to go with him to watch. At the beginning of the extra class, the teacher was talking to another guy doing his practicum and going over some points from the scriptures. I sat down and (as I do...) started to eavesdrop on their conversation. But it sounded like the seminary teacher was talking to me. He said "Now another thing you could teach from the story of Saul is this: if you are doing everything you can to be righteous and you make a decision that you think is right but it is not, Heavenly Father will not let you go too much farther down the path with that decision." Then he repeated it again! It was so amazing. So even though I feel like Heavenly Father is testing me by not telling me what to do, he is sending me very tender mercies to let me know that he trusts me and giving me reasurrances that "you can do this"! It was really a neat experience, and I knew that not getting an answer despite my many many prayers is a test of an all-knowing loving Heavenly Father and I just need to make a decision and pray that if it is not right, I will know. It is so cool and wonderful that during trials and times when I feel like my strength & endurance is running out, that I get little shots of "spiritual energy" that helps me keep running forward. I really feel like that is what has been happening through my struggle with recurrent miscarriage.

I have been running alot, and so I feel like this trial is like me running a marathon and at times when I feel like I can't go on, and the emotional strain is getting to hard to handle (like the stress of making these big decisions), Heavenly Father is waiting at the sidelines when a huge bottle of water and a pat on the back telling me to keep going, it will all turn out in the end, that I will have a wonderful life and that this trial is for my good (D&C 122:7). Then I keep running, with a renewed strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's hard running a marathon (or running long distances at all), but I know it is worth it because my Heavenly Father has told me it will be and I completely trust Him. There is a certain point you get at when you are running, especially if you really push yourself (which I like to do) where you feel like you can't go on and you just have to stop. Now, I don't feel that worn out or anything with my trial at all. But, Some days it is hard to push myself harder and keep going when I get tired of this trial. However, I have found with running that if you just keep going, once you get over that point that it gets easier and you get a "runners high". I feel like Heavenly Father has helped pull me over that point (or is pulling) and I am starting to get that "runners high" regarding this trial. It is hard, just like pushing your body to run hard is not easy, but I feel the blessings and the amazing growth that comes with relying on the Lord while I "run". How blessed I am to know that I can rely on Him when I feel weak and I get scared.

And so I keep running...
**So yes, I feel 100% better after writing that out. So thank you for joining me on that little journey haha...Also, I am really sorry my posts are always so long. I know I have said this a million times, but writing is a great way for me to work through feelings and thoughts, and so you just get to see some of the things I need to write out. This is mainly for me, and long novels is how I roll :) Also, a lack of paragraphs... haha. But, I think you can deal with it if you really want to know what is happening :)**

note: For my quote, I happened to find an amazing article (that EVERYONE should read) by a wonderful man who passed away this week. I put this on here in tribute to him--
"Though our trials are diverse, there is one thing the Lord expects of us no matter our difficulties and sorrows: He expects us to press on. I testify that in the eternities, as we look back upon our little span of existence here on this earth, we will lift our voices and rejoice that, in spite of the difficulties we encountered, we had the wisdom, the faith, and the courage to endure and press on." --Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin from "Press on" in November 2004 issue of the Liahona