If Sarah can do it...

I know that on our family blog, I mentioned that I wanted to take a break from blogging during winter break, but I had a cool experience about a week ago, and I wanted to write it down because except spiritual/personal experiences I have, I am recording a lot of things here and using it as a journal.

I was a bad girl, and started a book during finals. Yeah I know. For most people, that doesn’t mean much, but for me when I get into a book, I read until I can’t read anymore (which usually ends at like 2:30 am) and only stop if I have to. Luckily, despite the fact I was reading a good book, I still finished the semester with all A’s. But, I read an amazing book. It is called “Sarah” by Orson Scott Card and it is a fictional account of Sarah, the wife of Abraham. Obviously, he takes a lot of creative freedom but not only was it good, but it made a HUGE impact on me. He delved into her own infertility battle, and showed her feelings as she went through that experience. And here is what affected me the most. She went through years and years of infertility, never being able to get pregnant. She was an old women, and even in these times of technology, she would be beyond hope and most likely, there would be nothing they could do for her. But, she was given promises from the Lord telling her she would have children. There were times when she would get scared, but her husband kept reassuring her that she was promised the Lord will always keep his promises if we keep our end of the deal by staying worthy. I realized that with each of my next miscarriages, my chances of having children (according to modern medicine) go down, and that thought has made me so much more scared. I almost get panicky trying to think of things I can do to make sure our next ones work out for that reason. And after 14 months of trying to have kids, and during that time having 3 miscarriages and being pregnant for 9 months, most people would tell me that I have every reason to lose hope. But, as I was reading that book, I remembered all of the promises we have both been given by the spirit (which are too sacred to go into) and if Heavenly Father kept his promises to Sarah, even when so much time had passed (or in my case, so many miscarriages have passed) and everyone, including herself had given up hope she would have children, I KNOW He will keep the promises he made to me. After realizing this, I have really began to understand the trust and faith in Heavenly Father principal and have felt an added measure of the spirit as I have turned all my hope and faith to the promises I have been given. It was such a wonderful realization, and even IF everyone else tells me that I am beyond hope, doctors and friends included, I have a burning hope in my faith that Heavenly Father will keep his promises. I obviously have to keep my promises and my side of the deal by reading my scriptures everyday, sincerely praying, and all the other things (but those are essential!!!) but after I do those, I can have complete faith in my Savior. This has been my answer to my hope battle (which I am sure everyone picked up on like here, here, here, here, especially here etc.) I was having a hard time knowing where to put my hope and what to hope in. But now I know. Everyone would tell me this, the scriptures would tell me, and I would know where to put it, but it wasn’t real and I hadn’t really learned how to do it. But through this experience and the culmination of all my other wonderful blessings, I can now say that I have put my hope and my faith completely on my Heavenly Father. Through this, I have learned where to put it, through this experience and through all the other experiences I have a head of me. I don’t have faith in myself, because I can’t do it without Heavenly Father. I don’t have faith in medicine, because unless it is the right time no amount of medicine will make it happen. I don’t have faith in friends (even though I love you all SOOO much and you are all wonderful), because they really don’t know exactly what I am going through. I don’t have faith in quick fixes, for the same reason I don’t have faith in medicine. And the list goes on and on. I do have faith in my Heavenly Father and I know that 1. he will keep his promises 2.he will keep his promises at the perfect time 3. what ever I go through will help me in the end 4. he is the ultimate source of hope and peace 4. he is the ultimate source of comfort 5. he is the ultimate source of strength 6. he is the ultimate source of happiness etc. and with that as my ultimate source, every other source (like my WONDERFUL husband, my friends, my parents, my family etc.) are great additions to help me. But it all comes back to my Heavenly Father. Also, I realized that if we do not have faith then miracles cannot happen. I really really feel that, and makes the importance of gaining real faith even more important. One night I was flipping through the scriptures realizing that in every scripture that talks about miracles and Heavenly Father blessing us after a trial of our faith, it all comes AFTER we have faith. People may try to say that there is nothing we can do, and we are just waiting on Heavenly Fathers timing. But I really do not agree. I think that if we want the full measure of our blessings after the trial of our faith, we need to have real faith. This is vital.

Also, I have talked to people about my experiences and some asked if I think that Heavenly Father is mad at me or hates me. Honestly, I think it is the COMPLETE opposite. I know that Heavenly Father is allowing me to go through this, only BECAUSE he loves me and wants me to be stronger. I have never thought that Heavenly Father is mad at me or hates me or angry at me, because I have felt the spirit confirm something completely opposite. Thinking that would make things so much worse, and I would tell anyone struggling with those thoughts to pray for help to get rid of those kind of thoughts because it is not true.

I know this may not seem any different from any other post, but sometimes things spiritual are hard to explain. There are so many other things that I have realized along with this, but they are hard to explain and it would take longer than I want to take on this post. Just know that I have figured out my hope battle and I am so thankful for good books and the spirit! Everyone who is going through infertility should read this book! It’s a great book. But through this experience, my faith has grown so much of my Heavenly Father and every time I think of Him, I am overpowered with love and my eyes fill with tears. I am so thankful for his love and for the knowledge I have that he is there for me every step of the way...

Running a marathon

Putting it bluntly, this part of my battle with miscarriage is hard. Situations like this, when I have to make serious and big decisions, make me feel the test even greater.

Now a disclaimer: I am in the brunt of it, so things sound and seem worse...chances are, once I write this I will be fine. Just like this post, I feel renewed and strengthened a lot after the hard time, but still, the hard times exist.

I think I may have mentioned before that I want to get tested for a uterine septum as soon as possible especially with the Christmas break coming up. Well I put off calling the doctor to find out about it, forgot and then called and called and called...finally I got a call back (don't get me wrong, I love doctors, but sometimes they are hard to get a hold of) and I find out that it has to be done at a certain point in my cycle (which with my cycles, is nearly impossible to pin-point). So I have to get it done a couple days after we were planning to leave for Christmas break. And if I don't take that appointment, I will have to wait for the next point in my cycle which would land me at the beginning of the semester. This is rough because (if needed) classes + surgery is horrible. blah blah blah. It's just hard because I can stress myself out thinking that time is passing, but then I can't ignore the prompting I have had to get tests done before we get pregnant again. It's just hard to know what tests to get, how many to get, when to stop, when to do them etc. etc. This is the part of the miscarriage battle I don't like. And I don't know what's going on because every decision I have to make right now just ends up with confusion and fear. I had decided to do photography (Which is still exciting), but the way I want to do it I cant decide. Do I stick with my current degree or change my degree to finish early? I make a decision and get scared. luckily I know that I want to do photography, but the how is the decision that seems impossible to make. Then add onto that: how many tests do I do before getting pregnant next time? Do I wait until after I graduate? When should I do them? Do I put my education on a back burner so I can focus on tests? How many more tests do they even have for me? What if I don't do a certain test I need to do at a certain point? Yeah I know I shouldn't stress out about that stuff, and logically I see that I am just giving my self more situations to stress out but it's hard to see that at times like this. It's times like these, when Heavenly Father steps back and requires me to make a decision when I flounder. It's like when Heavenly Father asked the brother of Jared to figure out how to light the barges and doesn't tell him how to do it. That is exactly what I feel is going on. I feel like Heavenly Father is being silent as I make a decision. Yikes, this could sound bitter or angry and please believe me I AM NOT AT ALL!! I just get scared when I am left to myself to make a decision. I am already indecisive so maybe this is to help me get over that haha :) Luckily, I know that if I make the wrong decision Heavenly Father will stop me before I get too far, but it's making the decision and going down the path that is scary for me! Today was neat though. My hubby has started a practicum for his seminary teaching class, where he teaches 2 classes a day for a week (it is going AWESOME and he LOVES it!!) and yesterday he was randomly asked by one of the teachers to teach another class (having 2 classes is unheard of in a practicum--even the full-time teachers said it would be too hard for them, so he was excited when he got another class) so this morning I went to go with him to watch. At the beginning of the extra class, the teacher was talking to another guy doing his practicum and going over some points from the scriptures. I sat down and (as I do...) started to eavesdrop on their conversation. But it sounded like the seminary teacher was talking to me. He said "Now another thing you could teach from the story of Saul is this: if you are doing everything you can to be righteous and you make a decision that you think is right but it is not, Heavenly Father will not let you go too much farther down the path with that decision." Then he repeated it again! It was so amazing. So even though I feel like Heavenly Father is testing me by not telling me what to do, he is sending me very tender mercies to let me know that he trusts me and giving me reasurrances that "you can do this"! It was really a neat experience, and I knew that not getting an answer despite my many many prayers is a test of an all-knowing loving Heavenly Father and I just need to make a decision and pray that if it is not right, I will know. It is so cool and wonderful that during trials and times when I feel like my strength & endurance is running out, that I get little shots of "spiritual energy" that helps me keep running forward. I really feel like that is what has been happening through my struggle with recurrent miscarriage.

I have been running alot, and so I feel like this trial is like me running a marathon and at times when I feel like I can't go on, and the emotional strain is getting to hard to handle (like the stress of making these big decisions), Heavenly Father is waiting at the sidelines when a huge bottle of water and a pat on the back telling me to keep going, it will all turn out in the end, that I will have a wonderful life and that this trial is for my good (D&C 122:7). Then I keep running, with a renewed strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's hard running a marathon (or running long distances at all), but I know it is worth it because my Heavenly Father has told me it will be and I completely trust Him. There is a certain point you get at when you are running, especially if you really push yourself (which I like to do) where you feel like you can't go on and you just have to stop. Now, I don't feel that worn out or anything with my trial at all. But, Some days it is hard to push myself harder and keep going when I get tired of this trial. However, I have found with running that if you just keep going, once you get over that point that it gets easier and you get a "runners high". I feel like Heavenly Father has helped pull me over that point (or is pulling) and I am starting to get that "runners high" regarding this trial. It is hard, just like pushing your body to run hard is not easy, but I feel the blessings and the amazing growth that comes with relying on the Lord while I "run". How blessed I am to know that I can rely on Him when I feel weak and I get scared.

And so I keep running...
**So yes, I feel 100% better after writing that out. So thank you for joining me on that little journey haha...Also, I am really sorry my posts are always so long. I know I have said this a million times, but writing is a great way for me to work through feelings and thoughts, and so you just get to see some of the things I need to write out. This is mainly for me, and long novels is how I roll :) Also, a lack of paragraphs... haha. But, I think you can deal with it if you really want to know what is happening :)**

note: For my quote, I happened to find an amazing article (that EVERYONE should read) by a wonderful man who passed away this week. I put this on here in tribute to him--
"Though our trials are diverse, there is one thing the Lord expects of us no matter our difficulties and sorrows: He expects us to press on. I testify that in the eternities, as we look back upon our little span of existence here on this earth, we will lift our voices and rejoice that, in spite of the difficulties we encountered, we had the wisdom, the faith, and the courage to endure and press on." --Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin from "Press on" in November 2004 issue of the Liahona