Recently, I had an idea. With my current degree, I have two pretty rigorous semesters planned which would land my graduation date in July. But, if I get another degree then I could graduate in April with a REALLY easy schedule. Here is my reasoning: I could graduate earlier and concentrate on doing tests, staying/being pregnant and everything else I might need to do to have kids. I would put that money away to pay for tests to find out what is wrong. But do I want to give away a degree which I find really interesting just for something that might not work?? There is a chance that after tests they will say I am completely fine, and it's just been bad luck and I will have changed my major in vain. But then again, I talked to the doctor the other day and he said that 1. my adrenal gland probably has nothing to do with our miscarriages 2. the only other thing we can do is a special ultrasound to see if there is something wrong with my uterus (specifically to check for a Septum...look it up if you are curious, it is kind of hard to explain) and genetic counseling (which I really don't want to do until later because it is expensive & fruitless...all it tells you is that you can never have children and you will have to adopt...so I think we will wait until Richard has a steady job). So basically, I have two tests left. Everything else has come back perfect. So now I am trying to desperately decide what to do about college!! I go to change, and I get scared. I decide to not change, and I get scared. I have no idea what to do. I get cold feet after each decision.
But then my wonderful husband had a good idea. Instead of waiting for a 4th miscarriage to do tests & not do anything other than the plan my doctor has (femara to increase progesterone, progesterone suppositories during pregnancy etc.) we have decided to do the special ultrasound asap and then decide on the change of major with those results. We have decided that if they come back with problems which require surgery then I will graduate in April to work and if they come back perfect then I will stay with my current major. Basically, because according to this doctor I went to last, says that is the last test other than genetic counseling. The hubby & I think that they wont find an answer (just like my mom & aunt) and we will just have to do trial & error. So if that is the case, then we will just get pregnant, have a miscarriage, get pregnant, have a miscarriage and repeat until we have a baby. I am scared to do that because emotionally, that is horrible...well and physically too (anyone who has been through a miscarriage knows they hurt SOOOO bad). So this could be an interesting next couple years and everytime I think of that, I am so glad I am pretty young!!
Anyone else know of any other tests they can do?! I have had the lupus/anticougulant blood work done=perfect; I am definitely not over 35 (or even close...); going to check for uterus problems; I don't have PCOS (my doc doesn't even want to check that because he says he is almost 100% sure I dont have that); no thyroid or diabete problems; no infections...but I guess I should probably ask the doc because he knows best! :)
Sorry for all the unconnected & long thoughts...sometimes it just helps to get it out...
But in closing I have two thoughts. First, I have got to say that I am SO thankful for college!! I can get a great education learning awesome, interesting things and at the same time make myself so busy that I can't hardly entertain a thought about how hard this is! Secondly & most importantly, I have realized something else. I can only do so much, and then I have to realize that I am in the hands of the Lord. I can do tests & try to find the answer, but in the end the answer is simply, that it is not the right time for our kids to come to us. I can't rush that, and so much peace comes when I realize that I can't make it come any sooner or any later by doing or not doing tests. All I have to do, is stay close to the spirit so that if there are tests & things I need to do that will help us have kids, I will be able to act on those promptings. If I stay close to the spirit, then the best will happen and I will have the directing that I need. So here I go on the road of tests, realizing that if every comes up perfect, then I will leave the rest to Him.
“The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.” --Elder Wirthlin in "Come What May, and Love It"
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