ANOTHER tender mercy

As you have seen in my last post, I have had some conflicting feelings about my degree. I know that I am supposed to go to college, but haven't felt totally confident with my choice. I love the classes and the things I have learned, but it didn't feel right. All of my life I have loved photography and find so much joy while I am taking pictures. However, I never thought that photography would be very practical, and so I never considered it. But the other day I woke up thinking "I need to call ____ to take pictures with her and her cute pregnant belly to help grow my portfolio". And after that, I started thinking about starting a business doing the thing I love so much. As someone battling with miscarriage one of my requirements of a degree is something that will help focus me on something else, rather that it is so labor intensive that I cannot even have a second to think about anything else. It was nice to have something to put my sights on and help me live a goal that is important in my life. But I always thought it had to be something that stressed me out so much, I wouldn't have any energy to think of anything else stressful. It worked pretty well, until I realized I was stressing myself out too much and since I have always been pregnant while being in school that added stress was making the pregnancies extra horrible.
So anyways, after waking up I decided to become a photographer and then it dawned on me. I can try to change my major to photography and it will meet all of my requirements for a college degree. Instead of using the intense stress as a distraction, I could use a love of something as a distraction. I started making a grad plan, and got SO excited about spending the next couple months of my life studying photography, which brings me so much joy!! So with thinking about photography, making that plan and looking at the classes, I decided to take my sister out and take some pictures of her. I had sooooo much fun. Then I came home and started to fix them up. After looking at my final product, all day, and even some of the next day, I felt a fulfillment from doing a hobby than I have felt in a long time. Days after I felt so fulfilled. It was an amazing feeling. It was so much fun and I realized I had found what I should do with my life while I wait for our kids, and after we have kids. I have several relatives who are professional photographers and they said it is the best job ever because you can do as much or as little as you want, and each of them have 5 kids and still make enough money to buy all new furniture for their house!
So, I have decided to actively try to change my major around and pull some strings so that I can study photography. It has ALWAYS been a dream of mine to be a photographer and I am excited to pursue it and enjoy this time doing something I love. And even if I don't get the major chance, then I am still going to pursue photography as a career because luckily, I can do it without a degree.
I am so excited. I really feel that Heavenly Father has given me this idea and opportunity so that I can do something that I truly truly enjoy and increase a hobby/talent that I have as a job. So since I am doing this seriously, either as a professional photographer with a photography major or without a photography major THIS (or something very similar) is in my near future....
I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!! With this little baby, my photography career will change and it will be so much better. I really consider this an amazing tender mercy of my Heavenly Father and I am so thankful that I have been blessed with this opportunity to be something I have always wanted to be, while I wait for another thing I have always wanted to be.

O and if you are curious, here is my blog with some selected of my pictures. Check them out!

Tough decisions

Recently, I had an idea. With my current degree, I have two pretty rigorous semesters planned which would land my graduation date in July. But, if I get another degree then I could graduate in April with a REALLY easy schedule. Here is my reasoning: I could graduate earlier and concentrate on doing tests, staying/being pregnant and everything else I might need to do to have kids. I would put that money away to pay for tests to find out what is wrong. But do I want to give away a degree which I find really interesting just for something that might not work?? There is a chance that after tests they will say I am completely fine, and it's just been bad luck and I will have changed my major in vain. But then again, I talked to the doctor the other day and he said that 1. my adrenal gland probably has nothing to do with our miscarriages 2. the only other thing we can do is a special ultrasound to see if there is something wrong with my uterus (specifically to check for a Septum...look it up if you are curious, it is kind of hard to explain) and genetic counseling (which I really don't want to do until later because it is expensive & fruitless...all it tells you is that you can never have children and you will have to adopt...so I think we will wait until Richard has a steady job). So basically, I have two tests left. Everything else has come back perfect. So now I am trying to desperately decide what to do about college!! I go to change, and I get scared. I decide to not change, and I get scared. I have no idea what to do. I get cold feet after each decision.

But then my wonderful husband had a good idea. Instead of waiting for a 4th miscarriage to do tests & not do anything other than the plan my doctor has (femara to increase progesterone, progesterone suppositories during pregnancy etc.) we have decided to do the special ultrasound asap and then decide on the change of major with those results. We have decided that if they come back with problems which require surgery then I will graduate in April to work and if they come back perfect then I will stay with my current major. Basically, because according to this doctor I went to last, says that is the last test other than genetic counseling. The hubby & I think that they wont find an answer (just like my mom & aunt) and we will just have to do trial & error. So if that is the case, then we will just get pregnant, have a miscarriage, get pregnant, have a miscarriage and repeat until we have a baby. I am scared to do that because emotionally, that is horrible...well and physically too (anyone who has been through a miscarriage knows they hurt SOOOO bad). So this could be an interesting next couple years and everytime I think of that, I am so glad I am pretty young!!

Anyone else know of any other tests they can do?! I have had the lupus/anticougulant blood work done=perfect; I am definitely not over 35 (or even close...); going to check for uterus problems; I don't have PCOS (my doc doesn't even want to check that because he says he is almost 100% sure I dont have that); no thyroid or diabete problems; no infections...but I guess I should probably ask the doc because he knows best! :)

Sorry for all the unconnected & long thoughts...sometimes it just helps to get it out...

But in closing I have two thoughts. First, I have got to say that I am SO thankful for college!! I can get a great education learning awesome, interesting things and at the same time make myself so busy that I can't hardly entertain a thought about how hard this is! Secondly & most importantly, I have realized something else. I can only do so much, and then I have to realize that I am in the hands of the Lord. I can do tests & try to find the answer, but in the end the answer is simply, that it is not the right time for our kids to come to us. I can't rush that, and so much peace comes when I realize that I can't make it come any sooner or any later by doing or not doing tests. All I have to do, is stay close to the spirit so that if there are tests & things I need to do that will help us have kids, I will be able to act on those promptings. If I stay close to the spirit, then the best will happen and I will have the directing that I need. So here I go on the road of tests, realizing that if every comes up perfect, then I will leave the rest to Him.

“The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, then leave the rest to Him.” --Elder Wirthlin in "Come What May, and Love It"

All knowing

I was thinking tonight. I was remembering back to the first months of our marriage 3 years ago, and how we wanted to be parents. But, interestingly enough, instead of feeling the spirit prompt and witness to us that we should have children, like we expected, we had a different answer. A very strong feeling we shouldn't start trying. I thought that was odd. Then in a blessing right after we started to try a couple months later, I was told I would go through something others would think was hard, but I wouldn't think it was. That wording is so interesting because as it is hard somedays, all in all (because of many tender mercies etc.), I do not consider this hard. On and on and on the list goes and I come to this conclusion: this was always in the plan. These have never been "a mistake". It has never been a fluke. This was planned. This was supposed to happen. All of this is helping me get to my end goal and He knew that this would help me get there. Knowing that my life has and is in the hands of the Lord makes the anxiety disappear. This is a wonderful thing to help "grow" faith (during this trial I have felt my faith and hope grow and grow and grow). When I get rid of the thought that there is something wrong with my body I have to fix, stress and worry about it, I have a knowledge that has been brought to my attention by the spirit which is: my body has been working exactly as it should...for the experiences that I need to go through. There is no amount of research and studying that I can do to reverse that. Simply put, my body will work "correctly" (or as the world sees as correctly) when it is supposed to, and not a moment later.

So my testimony of another facet of my Heavenly Father has grown. He really is, completely 100% all knowing. He knew in our early months, that I shouldn't start trying, because I needed to go through this sanctification and growing experience. He also knew that I would need that knowledge that this was supposed to happen to help me not be too sad about all of it.

I have had other thoughts, but I need to go to bed...

Tender Mercy

My heart is so full of peace and gratitude. First off, I want to say that I am so thankful for such a loving and wonderful Savior.

So two days, as you saw in my post, I was losing hope and suffering because of it. Well yesterday I woke up and began the day with a tender mercy. It was a wonderful, spiritual experience that Richard and I had which helped revitalize my hope and completely strengthen it. We both went through the day with a wonderful peace and reaffirmation of some other spiritual experiences we have had regarding our children. All day I walked around with a smile on my face, and so did Richard, as well as peace from the spirit which lingered from this wonderful tender mercy. It showed me the love that my Savior has for me personally and how he knows what I am going through, and blesses me with strength every once and a while to keep going. This has been one of many very spiritual experiences regarding our children, and it has helped me so much to stay strong through all of this. This tender mercy/spiritual experience has also made me even more determined to stay strong no matter what is ahead, because I know that our special children will come at some point. It could be that we were given this tender mercy because I may have 2 or 3 more miscarriages to endure (or 1- 1 1/2 years left before they come...or more) and these spiritual experiences will help me through the dark times right after a miscarriage (those are the worse times). It is so neat to see the Lord's hand in my life, helping me through the darkness, and picking me up when I have a hard day.

I will finish this later, and include all the thoughts I have had lately. I just wanted to put this down on here before I forgot and get too busy. I am so thankful and so humbled by the fact that Heavenly Father is in charge of my life.

Just one of those days.

I am eating ice cream.
Yes, I had an off day today.

I don't know why, but I just did. Once again, it had everything to do with losing hope and getting afraid of what is ahead. I had a pretty unproductive day because of having a hard time too. One of the few days this has happened too. Kinda upset with myself, because I kept doing what I know I shouldn't: relying on the arm of flesh (aka: reading things on the internet that steal my hope away). Why do I always do that? Who knows. I think I might ban myself from doing that...

I am also having a hard time not being stressed about the fact we have waited 8 months (since our last miscarriage) to get pregnant again. And that is to today, and we haven't even decided when we want to start. It stresses me out that time is passing, but yet we have both felt strongly we need to go to the doctor, find things out and not try until we have some things to possibly help the next pregnancy. So luckily that doesn't make me regret it. But still, time is passing, and it scares me. If I would have gotten pregnant 3 months after our miscarriage, like I could have, I would have been about 3 months pregnant. But, I have learned from many experiences, I should not ignore any whisperings from the spirit when it comes to my situation. Still, time passing is scary in this situation...

But I actually had a wonderful thing happen as I talked to Richard. We both shared some very strong feelings that we have, which gave me a lot of comfort. It is nice to hear some of the things that he feels, when I am having a hard time. We had a very spiritual conversation, sharing some of the things the spirit has witnessed to us regarding our very special children. That helped me a lot, realizing that if I need to go through this in order to be a better mother for my children, then so be it. But, it is still hard on days like today when the little stabs don't seem to stay in the background of my mind.

After talking to Richard he said something that really helps me. He said "at least we have each other" and it is so true. At least I have my wonderful, amazing, perfect husband that is my biggest strength, second only to my Savior and His peace through the spirit.

But when this trial is over and we finally have our children, these are the kind of days that I won't miss very much. Just these normal days when nothing out of the norm happens, but when the little stabs go a tad bit deeper.

"Cast... all your care upon him; for he careth for you"
--1 Peter 5:7

Faith and hope

For some reason I have been wanting to post more. I just do it whenever I feel like it, and I think it is because I have been running in to really amazing things lately (like the article from yesterday). Well, I am in a New Testament class, and we were studying Hebrew 11, which I am sure you all know is a chapter on faith. Well last night, I was in a "hope" slump, questioning promises (BAD girl!!) and scared that we would ever be blessed with children. Last night it seemed like all the tests, studies, information on miscarriage etc. basically told me (of course, this is what I felt like they were telling me late at night, during a weak moment...) I was a hopeless case. I finally just made myself go to sleep, because it wasn't productive and probably really unproductive to think that way, praying for help (and forgiveness for questioning blessings...) until I was finally asleep.

Today, as I was doing my homework on this section and read some of my professors lecture, I feel like my prayers were answered.

"What is faith? To render Paul's words a little differently but more accurately according to the Greek text, and to emphasize the insight from the JST, it is the assurance (the firm foundation) of what we hope for; it is the solid conviction that we will receive blessings promised to us.

Paul's examples show that great men and women of old had nothing but God's promises to rest on. Outside of this, they had not a single thread of proof that any of the blessings would ever be fulfilled. Abraham lived in a tent all his days as did his sons and grandsons. Outward evidence suggested that God's promise of giving the land to Abraham might not be kept. Yet such trust and confidence did the ancient Saints have that they directed the whole course of their lives toward receiving the promises. All the promises related to the future, but the faithful acted as if they were already present.

What Paul said was that faith is simply taking God at his word and acting accordingly. Things that were yet future to them and are history to us were present to their eyes of faith. One could say, then, that faith gives substance to our hopes; it makes them become reality.

Faith is the principle of action in both God and man. There is a higher faith in God, which is the principle of action in all intelligent beings. So Paul noted that, "Through faith we understand the worlds were framed by the word of God" (Heb. 11:3).

Inseparably sealed to faith is hope. In a way, hope precedes faith and drives it (Moro. 7:40). When there is no hope that one can get something desired, there is no action, and thus, there is no faith. But when there is hope and high desire, great energy can be expended and the prize can be won.

Saving hope must center in the Savior (Ps. 31:24; 42:5, 11; 43:5; 146:5). Its drive moves one toward salvation in the kingdom of God (Lam. 3:21; Acts 24:15; Rom. 8:24-25;Heb. 11:1; Col. 1:5, 23), and without hope, the driving force, there can be no salvation. Speaking to the Lord, Moroni said, ". . . thou hast prepared a house for man, yea, even among the mansions of thy Father, in which man might have a more excellent hope; wherefore man must hope, or he cannot receive an inheritance in the place which thou hast prepared" (Ether 12:32)."

So there is my answer. I must hope and be as those before me, and even when everyone is saying contrary to my promises, I need to have hope and therefore faith in my Savior. It's that simple, but yet so hard. One day I have it, and I feel like my hope is there despite what anyone tells me (like "maybe you aren't suppose to have kids?" and blah blah blah). But then other times, like last night, my hope was gone. I guess that is what this trial is all about. This is probably something I need to learn, and hopefully one day I will get it.

Now with restored strength in my hope, I am going to indulge in one of my simple pleasures and listen to some of my favorite music and make dinner for my wonderful hubby. :)

Spiritual sunlight

First off, I want to make something very clear. This is acting as my journal re: my miscarriage experiences, which means that you are getting all of the thoughts I have on my trial. This means though, that you are hearing about every time I have a hard time etc. I just want everyone to know that I am not obsessed with it, and that in 100% truth, I am fine. I love the season my life is in right now so much and I am thankful for everything I have. Just FYI. :)

Anyways, I just came back from stake conference and one of the speakers talked about trials and shared a wonderful article. I approached him after the meeting to get the reference to the talk and in reading over it, realize even more what a wonderful source of strength this talk is. Here is the link if anyone wants to read the entire talk, which you all should do! Here are some of my favorite parts:

"It is so hard when sincere prayer about something we desire very much is not answered the way we want. It is especially difficult when the Lord answers no to that which is worthy and would give us great joy and happiness. Whether it be overcoming illness or loneliness, recovery of a wayward child, coping with a handicap, or seeking continuing life for a dear one who is slipping away, it seems so reasonable and so consistent with our happiness to have a favorable answer. It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result.

No one wants adversity. Trials, disappointments, sadness, and heartache come to us from two basically different sources. Those who transgress the laws of God will always have those challenges. The other reason for adversity is to accomplish the Lord’s own purposes in our life that we may receive the refinement that comes from testing. It is vitally important for each of us to identify from which of these two sources come our trials and challenges, for the corrective action is very different.

:::note: I did not include the first source of a trial, but if you are curious, see the link above:::

Now may I share some suggestions with you who face the second source of adversity, the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments.

Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (seeProv. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7). To produce fruit, your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience.

To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.

***I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will.***

True enduring happiness with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the most challenging difficulties comes from a life centered in Jesus Christ. Obedience to His teachings provides a sure foundation upon which to build. That takes effort. There is no guarantee of overnight results, but there is absolute assurance that, in the Lord’s time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and emptiness will be filled.

Recently a great leader, suffering from physical handicaps that come with advancing age, said, “I am glad I have what I have.” It is wisdom to open the windows of happiness by recognizing your abundant blessings.

Don’t let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life. Try to understand what you can. Act where you are able;then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again.

I know the principles that we have discussed are true. They have been tested in the crucible of personal experience. To recognize the hand of the Lord in your life and to accept His will without complaint is a beginning. That decision does not immediately eliminate the struggles that will come for your growth. But I witness that it is the best way there is for you to find strength and understanding. It will free you from the dead ends of your own reasoning. It will allow your life to become a productive, meaningful experience, when otherwise you may not know how to go on (seeD&C 24:8)."

As I was copying this, I realized something important. In almost all the scriptures that talk about people being blessed after trial with the desires of the their heart, it was because offaith. Faith is a vital part of being blessed after a trial. If we do not have real faith, then we run the risk of not being worthy of blessings that the Lord wants to bless us with. After I have realized this, I have kept my eyes open to things that can destroy/build this faith and here are some of the things I have noticed:

1. Murmuring and complaining against the Lord and our trials is not what the Lord wants us to do. Now I know that somedays it is harder than others not to do this, but if we hold our tongue and accept the Lord's will, I know that we will be blessed with peace from the Lord. Also, I have realized that when it is tempting to do this, praying for help to not complain is a great source of strength

2. On this same note, accepting his will greatly strengths my faith. This is scary to do sometimes, especially when I realize that his will might be 3 more years of this. But if we just keep reminding ourselves, that he is in control and will not give us more than that which will bless us and help us in the end (if we are faithful) then accepting his will is a bit more easy.

3. Fear (this one is the hardest for me I think...O man...) destroys faith. It is so hard to not have fear when everything and everyone seems to say things that go against the things the spirit promises you. I realized something one night as I was reading 2 Nephi 4. I have a tendency when everything else is done and I have some me time, to do research on my situation. However, most times I come away discouraged and sad...therefore losing my faith in the promises both me and the hubby have been given. I realized that fear can come from relying on the arm of flesh (in my case studies & internet sites) for answers instead of our Lord.

4. Also, doing the things we are asked to do (some as simple as studying our scriptures every day and praying etc.) will help faith. I have found that the days I study the scriptures more and in more depth, my faith is stronger and I can handle the pain that comes with this trial.

5. Trusting in the Lord!! This one is hard for me some times, especially when I rely on the arm of flesh. I am reading an amazing book right now called "Trusting Jesus" and have come to realize the importance trust in Christ has in our faith. When we trust Him, knowing that every thing that happens to us will be for our good (D&C 122:7), then it makes the dark times of trial something we can handle.

All in all, I want to add my testimony to Richard G. Scotts testimony of trials and the things that he has said in his article. Wow, I have such a strong testimony of trials. I know this sounds weird, but truly I do. I have felt myself come SO MUCH closer to my Heavenly Father and my testimony has grown SO MUCH. I am so thankful that I have had this opportunity to grow. It makes me heart swell with thankfulness. Truthfully, I count this as some of my greatest experiences and feel that my testimony has exponentially grown as well as my love and relationship with my Savior.

I realized something as well today that has totally opened my eyes. Richard and I like to talk and reminisce about how we first met and how if I had not been dating someone (stupid stupid me...) that we probably would have been married right after I graduated from high school. But then we talked about how much I changed and was strengthened in my testimony during my freshman year of college maturing A LOT. We realized that if we had been married a couple months after we were met when I was barely 18 years old, our first year would not have been so amazing, and probably been really tough because I was an immature teenager when I graduated from high school. On the same note, I realized last night that when I was pregnant the first time as a 20 year old, I was also immature re:being a mom. One night, when I heard my mom get up with my baby sister during the night, I started to cry (it was the day we found out we were pregnant) because I was scared and wasn't sure if I felt ready to be a mom. Don't get me wrong, I was REALLY excited, but just as I wasn't ready to be married as an 18 year old, I wasn't ready to be a mom with our first pregnancy. So this is what I realized: the Lord's time table is truly truly the best. Both situations, I felt like I was ready when I wasn't. The Lord has ultimate knowledge and his time table is so much better than we can imagine. I have such a testimony of this. When I did start seriously dating my husband a year later, I was very much ready and we know that we were brought together at the perfect time---not too early, and not too late. I know that this will happen with our children. They will come at the perfect time---not too early and not too late. Through realizing this, I have so much more confidence/faith in the Lord's time table. I love my Lord so much...

My grandparents gave me this picture years ago, and I always keep it close to my bed because it brings me so much comfort. On the bottom of my copy it says "I will not fail thee"...it brings so much comfort to me and despite the pain of miscarriage, this is exactly how I feel and exactly where I feel my Lord has been through it all...

Honesty

Sometimes having this blog scares me. Its scary for me to be out on the line so much, with so many personal feelings out for everyone to see. It's not easy, but I just hope that someday I will help someone and that all of this wasn't worthless.

But today I have to be honest (not that I am not always honest, but still). For me mostly, because I just feel like I have to write to feel better.

Today was hard. Not like a normal day when there are little things all around me that witness to the fact I have been pregnant 3 times and still no babies. But today was a day where I even wondered if I had anything to hope for. First off, I learned a good lesson. I went to the doctor today to ask some questions and hopefully learn something that might help. But when I made the appointment and every time I thought about it, I felt like I shouldn't go. Not that anything really bad would happen, but that it wasn't a good idea. But wanting answers, like anyone else in this situation does, I just went. So lesson #1: always listen to any promptings I have, because the Lord knows what is best for me in this situation, even if it means that I have to cancel a doctors appointment. So we got there and I started to ask questions and then it happened. My situation is so weird, that I made him resort to his old college textbooks!!! That was not very reassuring. He even told us we are a weird situation. We get pregnant really easy and all of the tests I have had so far have come back fine and yet, no healthy babies. He went over some other things that we could do but these all were expensive and required pretty intensive things. I asked about having the hubby screened, but he said that he is fine because we get pregnant in an average of 1 1/2 months 3 times. So it's me. I went and saw another doctor at the same office as the other one I saw and I could tell he didn't know much about anything to help, and he was mostly a healthy pregnancy doctor. It was hard to see him not know anything new to tell me, that I am a weird situation. I want to be a normal situation where we can plan our lives a little and decide what we want in the future. I was sitting in his office when he had to go talk to his nurse about something and the wave of hopelessness hit me again and I almost started balling, there in his office. I hardly ever cry. I looked at Richard and just simply said "I don't know how much more of this I can go through" and thats exactly how I feel. I don't know how much more of these kind of fruitless doctors appointments with no answers I can stand. So he just said that we can try what Doctor E said to do and that was probably the cheapest thing to do. So basically, I should have listened to the spirit because this appointment basically stripped some of my hope that one day I will be one of those girls in the office with huge pregnant bellies and I was given no other answers at all. And it hit me too: how many more failed pregnancies do I have to witness first before I give up/turn to adoption/actually have a live baby? But here is lesson #2 that I learned from my sister: I cant lose hope. yeah simple, but after the appointment and I was sharing how frustrated I was to not have answers she just said basically "you cant lose hope". So after a day where I felt I was kicked to the ground with the realization that I may never have answers, I cant think like that and I just need to get back up and walk hand in hand with my hope in Christ. I know that somehow, I will have children because I have been promised that. So there is a reason to hope, because that is a great blessing. The scariest thing about blogging about the less happy parts of this trial is I am afraid people will think that I am not doing good and that I have no faith or whatever so here it is again: I am fine. Somedays my faith is just tested more than others and honestly, those are the days my faith is stronger in the end.

Though on the other end during this time when I am afraid I have no hope, there have been little things that have been wonderful tender mercies to realize:

1. I have been reading/hearing other peoples stories with infertility and honestly, I am so thankful that I have been pregnant before. I am so thankful that I have experienced pregnancy and all of the mostly negative things I have experienced (aka: I have horrible morning sickness, fatigue, aversions and I have not experienced the baby moving, hearing heartbeats, ultrasounds with living babies etc.)...I am just thankful I have experienced them. Some women have not or will not, and I am so thankful I have. That is one thing I realized I should be thankful for. That simple thing is a great blessing.

2. Another thing I was grateful for today was when the nurse said "are you at a mature maternal age? O absolutely not!" aka: I am still young. I realized the other day, I am so grateful I was married so young and we didn't wait too long before starting to try to have a baby because I am still young here at this point in our infertility struggle. So thats another blessing. I still have a long time before I need to worry about being too old as well.

3. Even in these dark times want to know another blessing? That I am married to my best friend and he gives me so many reasons to laugh so hard, have fun distractions, and enjoy just the two of us. Seriously, I cant express how thankful I am for him. He makes it so much more do-able and I am so thankful I am married to him. He doesn't pressure me at all, is totally understanding and constantly helps me see the things that I can be thankful for and be happy about. Seriously, I wouldn't be able to do any of this without my husband. If I didn't have his support and help I would be a crazy wreck. He is my angel that Heavenly Father has sent me to help me through this trial.

4. Hope is something that Heavenly Father blesses us with to help is times of need, and satan desperately wants to take that away from us. I have noticed through this experience that he will do anything he can to take our hope from us because that is when we fear and we cannot have faith and fear together. This is such a subtle way for satan to break us down during a time that we are supposed to be building ourselves up and making our faith stronger. Faith needs hope, and I am certain that when we take away our hope then we cannot have true faith. Realizing this, I have determined more and more that I will not lose my hope. It is such an important part of life, and through this trial I have gained such an important testimony of the vital role hope has.

So even though I was kicked down and maybe my knees have been scratched a bit, I am standing up taller more resolved that I have reasons to hope and reasons to be thankful. And yes, even though I was kicked down, I am walking forward determined to stay strong and pass this trial of my faith. So...now I am going to cuddle up with my hubby with some yummy food and watch a good movie/start reading the book "Trusting Jesus" by Jeffrey R. Holland before bed.

"At midnight, the vital cry was made. . . . At midnight! Precisely at the darkest hour, when least expected, the bridegroom came. When the world is full of tribulation and help is needed, but it seems the time must be past and hope is vain, then Christ will come. The midnights of life are the times when heaven comes to offer its joy for man's weariness. But when the cry sounds, there is no time for preparation. . . . In the daytime, wise and unwise seemed alike; midnight is the time of test and judgment. . . ."

(From the book "Faith precedes the Miracle")

An Ancient parable and some test results.

"There was an old man whose only wealth was the one horse he owned. One day his horse escaped and took off into the mountains. His friends and neighbors came to comfort him saying, "old man, what bad luck you have had." The man replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who can say?" A week later, the horse returned and brought with him a whole herd of wild, mountain horses. the mans wealth was suddenly increased beyond measure. His friends and neighbors came to rejoice with him saying, "Old man, what good luck you have had." The man replied, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who can say?" The next day, when the man's son was trying to break in the wild horses, one of the horses threw him, causing him to break his leg. His friends and neighbors came to bring him comfort saying, "Old man, what bad luck you have had." The man replied, "Bad luck? good luck? Who can say?" The next day, the army came to town to forcibly draft all the young men to go fight in a bloody war from which few of them would return. However, the army did not take the old man's son; he was allowed to stay home because he was crippled. The man's friends and neighbors came to rejoice with him saying, "Old man, what good luck you have had." The man replied "Good luck? Bad luck? Who can say?"

Good words to live by. This is totally how I feel. Who ever hears about my past with miscarriages gives me that exact same response "What bad luck you have had." But really, is it bad luck? I don't think so. I mean really, if someone has faith in Christ and his power over our lives, we would understand it isn't bad luck but that that pregnancy wasn't supposed to work out. Look at it this way: because I didn't become a mom 15 months ago I will be able to graduate college. That one thing shows that that wasn't bad luck or even really a bad thing. I mean yes it's hard, but bad? I don't think so. I think I am done looking at things as black or white. This situation or that situation as bad or good. They are just doors opening and opportunities to recognize the Lords hand in my life. Honestly, it's hard for me when I tell people about it and get that same response. I know that I should respond "yeah it is really bad luck" but I don't feel that way. It's not bad luck. Just like the story, because this has happened, other good things will occur. Ultimately this trial will (hopefully...this is what I am working towards everyday) make me the person that I am supposed to be so that I can return to my Heavenly Father in exaltation. So in essence, this scripture outlines my outlook (I made this to put up on my wall because I love this scripture):

This trial is just a means to an end. Just like all the old mans experiences. The horse leaving led to a situation where his sons life was spared. So these trials will make me a better and more faithful person who (yes this is my goal and I am totally not there yet, but working everyday to be better) will be exalted and live forever with my family sealed to me. So, is it really bad luck? No, I really don't think so.

On another topic, I went to the doctors here on campus to get my results of my blood test. She said my thyroid is totally perfect (like it always is when they test it) but my adrenal gland was a little high. She said she doesn't know what that means for me and my miscarriages (aka: she can't decide if I need medicine etc. because she doesn't do infertility). So I go to the doctor tomorrow to see what this means...if I will need medication etc. But here is the thing I am worried about: I took the test during my most non-stress semester and still, my cortisol levels were high. So, I am worried that if next semester with my really packed and scary schedule if the stress levels will be higher. Here is this is why I am worried:

"The word progesterone means “for gestation,” which means that women, you need this hormone in its right balance if you want be become pregnant and stay pregnant. Progesterone nourishes the uterine lining in preparation of the implanted fertilized egg. It is progesterone that continually feeds and nourishes the uterus during pregnancy. Unfortunately, constant stress causes a decrease in your progesterone levels. When you are constantly in that “fight or flight” mode because of stress, your adrenal glands will produce additional cortisol and adrenaline. This is a normal bio-chemical process. The problem is that in order to make cortisol, your adrenal glands need progesterone. This causes your progesterone to be used in making your stress hormones, as opposed to what it is designed to do —support your pregnancy. The adrenal glands cannot make cortisol without progesterone. Often referred to as the ‘progesterone steal,’ your body will steal however much progesterone it needs to make cortisol. This is one of the primary reasons some women are having a hard time with infertility and miscarriages; they don’t have enough progesterone available to conceive or maintain a pregnancy. The body is designed for survival, and when you are constantly in that “fight or flight” mode, it is more important for the body to run away from the saber-tooth tiger than it is to have a baby. The constant demand for cortisol is going to reduce your levels of progesterone. Inadequate levels of progesterone not only interfere with the reproductive process, but that lack of progesterone is another reason so many women struggle with PMS, hot flashes, and night sweats— progesterone is being stolen away to make cortisol. The progesterone steal causes a deficiency." (Here is the article it came from)

I don't want to add anymore reason for this pregnancy not to work out. I am going to talk to the doc about if taking off a semester the next time I get pregnant might help. But then I am not wanting to get behind a semester in graduating. However, This is what I realized. Where are my priorities? Honestly, they have been in school a little too much than they should I think. It's always about getting straight A's and working as hard as I can...even when pregnant. I really don't know if this has any effect on the miscarriages, but with my adrenal gland being a little high and with 3 miscarriages under my belt, I want to do all I can to help this one work out. So I have also decided to try and change my major to something that will help me graduate sooner. Instead of having 24 credits left I will have 12. We will see how that works. I have decided to do this so that I can graduate, get school finished and then completely concentrate on starting a family. I think this puts our family in the right priority and if school is finished then I won't be tempted to put school ahead of a family. But...if I don't get my major changed then c'est la vie and I will just continue in my degree until I am done in July. And also, I can rest assured that is what I am supposed to do considering all the prayer I have put into it. So we will see! Wow, sorry for the post of the century...

"The test a loving God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty. It is to see if we can endure it well." --unknown