Angst.

This is a hint to those who have no trouble having children or people in general: NEVER EVER say to someone who doesn't have kids "It's about time you have kids" or something to that matter. And please don't proceed to tell them that they have been married long enough and the righteous thing is to have kids. You never know what emotional roller coaster they are going through to have their kids and how much they would love to give you a glimpse into that pain so that you would promptly shove your foot into your mouth. Don't ever judge anyone who is without children, because you have no idea what is going on. Remember the line from the hymn "Lord, I would follow thee" which goes "Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord, I would follow thee." Just give them the benefit of the doubt and understand that in most cases, they are people who are doing the best that they can.

For some reason I have heard these words lately from almost everyone I see. What is going on?! Do I have some sign on my head that tells everyone to call me to repentance because I am some selfish person who needs to focus on the important things in life like a family? Sometimes I want to tell them what I have been through so that they will understand. But I hate awkward situations so we just say "we are trying (even though we aren't right now, but still), and waiting for it to happen in the Lord's time". That usually does the job, they get the hint and of course it's awkward anyways because they realize what they just said. Jeeze!! Like I would never go up to someone who is older and unmarried and say "you really need to stop being selfish and finally get married! That is the right thing to do!" because that wouldn't be good. Now I understand that people have really good intentions and I am sure that every person that says these things probably has them, I just wish that people wouldn't say things like that when they don't know the situation. Sorry, I just have been so frustrated by these comments lately and so there is my spew.

Anyways, on other updates I went and had my blood taken so that they can test for an actual adrenal gland problem. I am scared to get the results back in case that is not what is going on. Aside from the miscarriage problem, I have been horribly tired my entire life (like I wake up after 8-9 hours of sleep more tired than when I went to bed etc.) and I want to find the answer. I want to find a solution so that I can function normally without feeling like I had just pulled an all-nighter when I slept for the perfect amount of hours. Sometimes it feels worse than how tired you are when you are pregnant. Also, I have been trying to gain some more weight for the past couple months (actually the past couple years after I lost about 12 pounds when we first got married after a horrible detox diet) and have only been able to gain some of it back. I want to be in the healthy range and I think my doctor thinks that this might fix that problem too. There are other things like this that I am hoping the adrenal gland problem would fix (basically I have all the symptoms of having an adrenal gland problem and they are all frustrating and I want them to be fixed). But I am so scared they will call me with my test results and tell me that I am fine in that regard, and my search for my neverending sleepiness will continue. I just want to feel normal.

Haha sorry that this is kind of a downer post. Now you know that not all about this trial is happy and strengthening. Sometimes I have hard days and I wish that some people wouldn't open their mouths so that they wouldn't make it more difficult. Everyone, please, always think before you say something. I have decided through this that I will always give people the benefit of the doubt because you never will know what everyone is going through. It really has been a good learning opportunity.

And please don't worry about me because I love my life and I am really happy. I feel so much better after I wrote that. Sorry you have to read my spew, but usually after I write something down after a frustration I feel 100% better. Also, don't worry about me being freakishly sensitive or something like that because I am not. Everyone should now I am completely fine talking about it with everyone and I am not some fragile, insecure person that will freak out if anyone says anything. I guess recently I have felt a little judged, which I think isn't fair because I have not done anything on that front to merit the judgement. Next step: ask for forgiveness for getting so frustrated. opps. :)

"My message to you today, my brothers and sisters, is simply this: the Lord is in control. He knows the end from the beginning. He has given us adequate instruction that, if followed, will see us safely through any crisis. His purposes will be fulfilled, and someday we will understand the eternal reasons for all of these events. Therefore, today we must be careful to not overreact...but what we must do is keep the commandments of God and never lose hope! But where do we find hope in the midst of such turmoil and catastrophe? Quite simply, our one hope for spiritual safety during these turbulent times isto turn our minds and our hearts to Jesus Christ." --M. Russell Ballard, Nov.1992 Ensign