***disclaimer: Anyone who only wants to read only those things of my experience that are completely upbeat (well, as much as they can be), should not read the first part of this blog. This deals with the hard times, but mind you, has a happy ending. Pick up reading at the starred point farther down***
I failed.
Without realizing it, I had unconsciously totally gotten my hopes up. I did it during the second pregnancy, and I was starting to do it again. For anyone going through this sort of battle, that just equals torture. And it did. I was praying constantly that if it was his will, this next pregnancy would work out. Almost begging. Pathetic I know, but I am so scared to go through the trauma of a 4th miscarriage. Mind you, I am still praying constantly, but with a much different attitude about it (accepting with a renewed his will over mine...you'll see why at the end). So Richard and I went to the temple on Saturday and we decided that both of us would pray about when to start trying again etc. When we got home, eating dinner, he told me that he thought we should prepare for both and not get our hopes up either way. Poor Richard was doing everything he could and trying to help in anyway; I am so grateful for him!! But all I heard is that we shouldn't get our hopes up about this one working out, and all I could think about was that I thought I was getting feelings that it would work out. I was really confused. But the emotions of this battle were more than I could handle, and against every will of mine (I really don't like crying...it's a rare occasion but of course most of those occasions have been during our battle with miscarriage) tears came and then sobs. I felt thetangible and crushing pain of my fear and it was more than I could handle. I prayed for strength knowing that he was the only one who could help me, because I was beyond anyone else's help. Then the thought came: get a blessing. I love getting blessings because I always feel the closets to my Heavenly Father, so I asked Richard to give me a blessing (I am SOOOO grateful that my husband is a worthy priesthood holder).
***for those only wanting to hear the happy, please rejoin us***
The blessing was one of the most powerful, comforting blessings I have had. I have, though, had other amazing blessings that have brought so much peace and comfort and I am so thankful for priesthood blessings. I was told (among other things that I leave out merely because they are very personal spiritual wise) that this was a trial of my faith, and that no witness would come until after the trial of my faith. This confirmed my thoughts of this being such a thing and it renewed my desire to continue faithful and strong, turning to my Heavenly Father in every way. To even concrete my desire to do this even more, I was told that this trial would be a strength to my children and descendants. This just made the desire even stronger, thinking that somehow, something that I was learning through this (which has been a lot of things) would help my dear, special children. This and the other things that I was told gave me so much strength and comfort. I also felt the presence of our children around me, almost as a cheerleading squad helping me be strong and with their presence letting me know that it will all work out, and that if I "passed" this test, I can have them. Richard said he felt this very strongly too. It was amazing. The best part was that after the blessing, as Richard was hugging me I had one of the most awesome feelings. I felt light, as if the Lord was on the other side of the crushing pain, holding it off my shoulders for a bit allowing me to feel relief. I could breathe again, and the crushing weight of the pain and fear was gone...it was so amazing. The pain was there, it wasn't gone, but I could bear it because he was helping (as all spiritual experiences are, it is hard to explain the sensation). I knew right then that I wasn't alone through this, and I should never let a moment pass that I don't turn to him for help. I felt the principle of the scripture Matthew 11:28-30 when Christ said“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. as well as the scripture in Mosiah 24:14-15 which is "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." and "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." It was such an amazing feeling to feel that, as it strengthened my resolve in everyway to endure this trial patiently and cheerfully. So, here is my strong, undeniable witness: I know that the only way I can do this, is through the Lord, my Savior. I am so incredibly thankful for Him and even thought of this little tender mercy brings tears to my eyes. I know that He lives, loves me, and is so incredibly involved in my life...even this part of my life. I cannot express my love and gratitude for my Savior. Also, strangely, after that horrible, raw pain as I felt that beautiful relief that could only come from my Savior, I am thankful for this opportunity to feel so close to my Savior. It has only been through this trial that I felt my personal relationship with my Savior become so much stronger. This simple experience will be marked among my most spiritual experiences, during one of the hardest experiences. Odd huh? :)
So for all of us that are going through a trial of life (not limited to this of course), we have a choice. If it is unknown that this is a specific "trial of your faith", you too have a choice. You will go through this trial no matter the choice, all this choice does is determine your 1. happiness level while going through it 2. how the Savior judges that you do at the end. It really only comes down to two choices and I am sure we all know what they are. We can either see this as an opportunity to make our faith stronger and draw closer to the Lord in trust during the trial OR we can become any level of bitter, ignore him through our trial and only thank him after we are blessed with it. One way is ultimately easier and the other rather lonely. Your choice. I'd say make the best of the trial and heck, work hard to be a better person so at the end you are stronger. Elder Dallin H. Oaks says this perfectly: “Adversity will be a constant or occasional companion for each of us throughout our lives. We cannot avoid it. The only question is how we will react to it. Will our adversities be stumbling blocks or stepping-stones?” Life is full of choices and everyday we need to decide how we will respond our adversity whatever it may be.
You want to know something funny? I have resolved to do just what Rich said I should do:prepare for both. Really, only good can come from that. I love my hubby...
I failed.
Without realizing it, I had unconsciously totally gotten my hopes up. I did it during the second pregnancy, and I was starting to do it again. For anyone going through this sort of battle, that just equals torture. And it did. I was praying constantly that if it was his will, this next pregnancy would work out. Almost begging. Pathetic I know, but I am so scared to go through the trauma of a 4th miscarriage. Mind you, I am still praying constantly, but with a much different attitude about it (accepting with a renewed his will over mine...you'll see why at the end). So Richard and I went to the temple on Saturday and we decided that both of us would pray about when to start trying again etc. When we got home, eating dinner, he told me that he thought we should prepare for both and not get our hopes up either way. Poor Richard was doing everything he could and trying to help in anyway; I am so grateful for him!! But all I heard is that we shouldn't get our hopes up about this one working out, and all I could think about was that I thought I was getting feelings that it would work out. I was really confused. But the emotions of this battle were more than I could handle, and against every will of mine (I really don't like crying...it's a rare occasion but of course most of those occasions have been during our battle with miscarriage) tears came and then sobs. I felt thetangible and crushing pain of my fear and it was more than I could handle. I prayed for strength knowing that he was the only one who could help me, because I was beyond anyone else's help. Then the thought came: get a blessing. I love getting blessings because I always feel the closets to my Heavenly Father, so I asked Richard to give me a blessing (I am SOOOO grateful that my husband is a worthy priesthood holder).
***for those only wanting to hear the happy, please rejoin us***
The blessing was one of the most powerful, comforting blessings I have had. I have, though, had other amazing blessings that have brought so much peace and comfort and I am so thankful for priesthood blessings. I was told (among other things that I leave out merely because they are very personal spiritual wise) that this was a trial of my faith, and that no witness would come until after the trial of my faith. This confirmed my thoughts of this being such a thing and it renewed my desire to continue faithful and strong, turning to my Heavenly Father in every way. To even concrete my desire to do this even more, I was told that this trial would be a strength to my children and descendants. This just made the desire even stronger, thinking that somehow, something that I was learning through this (which has been a lot of things) would help my dear, special children. This and the other things that I was told gave me so much strength and comfort. I also felt the presence of our children around me, almost as a cheerleading squad helping me be strong and with their presence letting me know that it will all work out, and that if I "passed" this test, I can have them. Richard said he felt this very strongly too. It was amazing. The best part was that after the blessing, as Richard was hugging me I had one of the most awesome feelings. I felt light, as if the Lord was on the other side of the crushing pain, holding it off my shoulders for a bit allowing me to feel relief. I could breathe again, and the crushing weight of the pain and fear was gone...it was so amazing. The pain was there, it wasn't gone, but I could bear it because he was helping (as all spiritual experiences are, it is hard to explain the sensation). I knew right then that I wasn't alone through this, and I should never let a moment pass that I don't turn to him for help. I felt the principle of the scripture Matthew 11:28-30 when Christ said“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. as well as the scripture in Mosiah 24:14-15 which is "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." and "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." It was such an amazing feeling to feel that, as it strengthened my resolve in everyway to endure this trial patiently and cheerfully. So, here is my strong, undeniable witness: I know that the only way I can do this, is through the Lord, my Savior. I am so incredibly thankful for Him and even thought of this little tender mercy brings tears to my eyes. I know that He lives, loves me, and is so incredibly involved in my life...even this part of my life. I cannot express my love and gratitude for my Savior. Also, strangely, after that horrible, raw pain as I felt that beautiful relief that could only come from my Savior, I am thankful for this opportunity to feel so close to my Savior. It has only been through this trial that I felt my personal relationship with my Savior become so much stronger. This simple experience will be marked among my most spiritual experiences, during one of the hardest experiences. Odd huh? :)
So for all of us that are going through a trial of life (not limited to this of course), we have a choice. If it is unknown that this is a specific "trial of your faith", you too have a choice. You will go through this trial no matter the choice, all this choice does is determine your 1. happiness level while going through it 2. how the Savior judges that you do at the end. It really only comes down to two choices and I am sure we all know what they are. We can either see this as an opportunity to make our faith stronger and draw closer to the Lord in trust during the trial OR we can become any level of bitter, ignore him through our trial and only thank him after we are blessed with it. One way is ultimately easier and the other rather lonely. Your choice. I'd say make the best of the trial and heck, work hard to be a better person so at the end you are stronger. Elder Dallin H. Oaks says this perfectly: “Adversity will be a constant or occasional companion for each of us throughout our lives. We cannot avoid it. The only question is how we will react to it. Will our adversities be stumbling blocks or stepping-stones?” Life is full of choices and everyday we need to decide how we will respond our adversity whatever it may be.
You want to know something funny? I have resolved to do just what Rich said I should do:prepare for both. Really, only good can come from that. I love my hubby...
"He lives to silence all my fears. He lives to wipe away my tears. He lives to calm by troubled heart. He lives all blessings to impart." -- "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" hymn #136
