Point of this

I have been thinking lately about one of the points of a blog as it acts as a journal and realized that one part of my life is being left out of our family blog. But I did it on purpose. It is a very personal part of my life that I usually don't share with many people. However, I realized after finding and reading blogs that talk about their own struggles, and realizing how much it has helped me I decided to lower my protective "shield" and talk about my experiences. I share these things mainly to hopefully help someone in any way possible. I have been so thankful for the help that people have given me, and I want to reach out to help those who might be going through the same experience. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I hope in some small way, to help someone.

I want to share thoughts that I have, things that help me and even times when I am having a hard time. This blog is also for me so that I can write my thoughts and be able to look back and remember what I have learned and how much I have grown through this experience. So here it goes...

Before I start here is some history so that you can understand where the thoughts and feelings are coming from: In the 14 months that we have been trying to bring our children into our family, I have gone through 3 miscarriages and been pregnant for a total of 9 months. In more detail here has been my experiences: about 9 months after we were married, we decided it would be fun to add to our family and in the third month (after two cycles) we were pregnant. We were so excited about having our first little child, and started to prepare ourselves and our futures. However, at 12 weeks I started to bleed and my worst nightmare came true. My family has miscarriages (my mom has had 6 miscarriages and 8 healthy children), and so it wasn't new, but it was a surprise. We went to the doctor to have an ultrasound (sadly, a couple days before our first appointment where we should have had a normal ultrasound). There was nothing inside, and the doctor said that it probably had stopped growing around 6 weeks. This is called a missed miscarriage. The pain was horrible (emotionally and physically as I passed it myself...), but yet I felt a wonderful peace and the spirit tell me that my little baby was back where it was supposed to be with my Heavenly Father. There were other very spiritual moments which helped me greatly. After our first, we waited several months to try again, to hopefully get over the pain and just to heal and also decided that we wouldn't try unless we felt spiritually prompted. About 4 months later we had a very spiritual experience which we felt we should start trying, and again in the third month (tried for 2 cycles again) we were pregnant (August). Just like the first, we were very excited and hopeful that this pregnancy would work out. Even to our wonderful surprise, at 6 1/2 weeks we were able to see a little tiny heartbeat at our first ultrasound. After this, we were sure this second would work out and for 12 weeks everything seemed to go well. However, in the middle of my 12th week, I started to bleed again and the realization of another miscarriage sunk in. We rushed to the doctors, and with the ultrasound found out our baby had stopped growing at around 8 weeks. Another missed miscarriage. I passed this one on our own, which was very excruciating (the doc said most people end up in the hospital, and it happened before we had expected so they hadn't given me any pain medication...). I felt at this point we shouldn't try again until we had gone to the doctor to get some tests done and find out more to possibly prevent another. However, about a month after our miscarriage, we were pregnant again and were surprised, but scared. From the outset I knew this last pregnancy would end in miscarriage. So once again at about 8 weeks I had an ultrasound and found out our baby had stopped growing around or earlier than 6 weeks. They offered tests to see if my dates were off and maybe it was just measuring small, but I knew it was a miscarriage and just waited for my body to pass it on its own. And it did a couple weeks later (when I should have been about 12 weeks pregnant) and after some complications, our 3rd miscarriage was complete. After that experience I decided with the help of very strong feelings, that I should wait to find out as much as I could to prevent another loss, and that is where I stand right now.

No one can truly understand how difficult this is, unless they have gone through it themselves. This is why I decided to share my experiences so that those who have not gone through it, will understand. However, as difficult and painful (emotionally and physically) this has been for me, I am so thankful for this experience because I have grown in amazing ways and become a stronger person. Please do not worry about me because I am fine. In fact, I am very thankful for these experiences. Among so many other strengthening things, my testimony has grown and I KNOW that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows me personally.

**Updated: After waiting 14 months after our last miscarriage in March 2008 for it to feel like the right time to get pregnant again and in the meantime seeing doctors, we implemented our first plan to fix my progesterone deficiency, stopped birth control and were pregnant within about a week. Our healthy baby boy is due February 7th!!

"Faith is total trust in Him. Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does." --Dennis E. Simmons