Decision time

So after we heard that we might have a possible fix, I started thinking about trying again but I still feel that I need to go to the doctor to see if anything is wrong inside. I have been having some pain on one side near my girl parts, and so I want to see if anything might be wrong. Also, as I was thinking about trying again, I realized I am not ready yet...I want to do as much detective work to try and fix things before trying again to get rid of anything that might possibly ruin our chances at a successful pregnancy. It's an interesting situation to be in. I get pregnant without a problem, but if I do I run the risk of another miscarriage. It's hard to know if I am doing the right thing...if I should just get pregnant again soon or wait until we find some more things that need to be fixed. definitely praying a lot :)

"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand.Peace comes through hope." -- James E. Faust

Shift

So I know on the last post I expressed my fear of having the test results come back negative with nothing wrong. Well, I have decided that there are positives for the test results no matter how they come back. If they are negative, it will be frustrating to still be tired etc. but unless the spirit tells us otherwise, we might start trying sooner. If it is positive, then I have an answer for my sleepiness and something which might help me not have another miscarriage. So either way, I am fine. Realizing this last night has helped so much. I did the same thing with if I have a miscarriage again. Either we will have a baby or we will take another awesome trip. I am trying to decide what we want to do and here are some of my ideas:

1. A Mexican riviera cruise
2. Go to the big apple
3. Hawaii cruise
4. Stay in my old home town Laguna Beach, CA and hit Disneyland again
5. Go visit all the church sites back east
and that's all so far (this trip will be combined with my graduation trip).

So there are positives on either side. This is one thing I have learned from my awesome husband. He is always so positive and happy, and I have learned that no matter what happens we have a choice. I can either be happy or I can be sad. I don't have control over what happens, only over how I react. And yes, I realize that I used my control negatively with the last post situation, and I have decided to not over react again. I am so thankful for my awesome husband!!! He has helped me so much in so many ways. So I have decided that no matter what happens, I am going to see the positive and be happy! It makes living so much better. So no matter the test results today, I am happy and loving my life today.

"Too often we wait to live. When we are young we can't wait until we can drive a car or date. Then we can't wait to get married and have children. We often live in the future (or in the past) instead of in the present. While waiting to live, some of us never really do. " --a quote from one of my teacher"

Interesting day!

Lets see...actually this story starts last week. I have mild scoliosis and so my back has been hurting really bad lately. Rich and I decided we finally had time to go see a chiropractor, and choose a really good one who is actually a member of the ward. As I was getting ready to go in, for some reason I kept feeling that I needed to bring up my miscarriages and that he would address it/find something that might help. It was kinda confusing, because he is a chiropractor! So I went to see him and he was in a hurry so I thought if I brought it up, it wouldn't really be addresses. So he made me a follow-up appointment for this morning. I went in this morning, laid on the table and just as he barely touched my back almost my entire back cracked. He was like "mmmmm...interesting." So he kept going. Then I told him about my TMJ (basically I have a tight jaw) and so he worked on that. He worked some more and then stopped and thought for a long time. After about 5 minutes he asked "do you have problems with your period?" Those of you who know, I have really crazy periods. I will spot for an entire month, be 3 weeks late etc. everything imaginable. I never have a normal period. So I answered yes. Then he asked if we were trying to have children so I told him about our 3 miscarriages. After I told him he said "you are having miscarriages because your hormones are messed up." That took me by surprise, because he had been cracking my back so how did he know about my hormones? He then explained that my ligaments are really loose (the reason my back cracked so easily) and they are lose because basically my adrenal gland is off and he said he thought that my periods are off and I keep having miscarriages because the hormone progesterone is off. I explained to him that I had tried taking progesterone suppositories during my third pregnancy, but when I told him that I started if after I was pregnant, he said that is completely useless. He explained that you need to have it even before you are pregnant, or it is useless. We had wanted to start progesterone before our third pregnancy, because I had heard this before, but 2 months after our second miscarriage we were surprised to find out I was pregnant again (surprised meaning we hadn't planned on that at all...aka: mistake...but I hate saying mistake because that sounds so sad!). So basically (this, surprisingly, is the short version...he explained a lot more and showed other symptoms on me) he gave me a supplement to start that helped my adrenal gland and then said to start progesterone cream after a month.

We are going to give this a try when we plan on trying again, and if it doesn't work then I have the name of a really good doctor that my friend gave me. So either way, we are going to figure this out. But if by chance this is the fix, then I am glad I found it now before we got pregnant again. I am pretty skeptical of quick fixes, but it's worth a try.

Also, I found an awesome article last night in the new Ensign that everyone should read, especially those who are going through a "struggle" of bringing children into this world (or any other struggle). It's called "Looking to the Lord" by Mary N. Cook. Read it! :)

"Do we allow our circumstances to limit our view, or do we look up to the Lord, who can expand our view?" - Mary N. Cook

Not Sure.

So we are going to the doctor tomorrow to see if anything is wrong inside or anything like that. I am scared honestly. I am afraid that they will find nothing and have no other answers for me. Or find something that make take years to fix. I have been reading a book that my chiropractor said to read, and that is giving me more hope about the progesterone cream but still I am sure that isn't the complete answer nor will it solve all of my problems. That just seems too easy and quick. I am not trying to get my hopes up, and I am not sure what to think about tomorrow. I am not as apprehensive as I thought I would be the night before we see the doc, but maybe that is because I have taught myself how to not get my hopes up. I am glad I have finally learned that.

I have also read a book that I think every single person should read no matter what. It is called "Drawing on the powers of heaven" by Grant Von Harrison. It's a short little book but it is so powerful. I think that everyone should read that book. It's amazing. It teaches you how important it is to have real faith and how to receive it. I realized as I read this book that this trial is necessary for me to become the kind of person I am supposed to be. I am being sanctified and my faith is being tested. This will make me a stronger more worthy person if I stay close to the Heavenly Father.

I had some thoughts today...well I have had them for awhile, but I was really thinking about it today. I realized that this is my only real trial. I know that might sound weird but here was the train of thought: I have a perfect (I know people don't think that is possible, but I am being completely honest here) perfect marriage to the most amazing/selfless/fun man who was more than my dreams who is also my best friend to whom I have been married to since I was 19, a wonderful righteous family who are also my best friends, good health, a great opportunity to go to school (with which I am also finished!!), a strong faith/love for the gospel/my savior and everything else I could ask for. I am completely satisfied. I am so glad that I don't have to suffer with a less than perfect marriage, a weird/bad family life or anything else. This makes me grateful for my trial because at least I have a strong faith, wonderful husband and awesome family (among many other great things in my life) to help support me. And all this is doing is making me a stronger and better person. I know that I am always saying how grateful I am for this trial, but that is because I feel that way. Sure I have hard days when I realize I am not getting any younger and I am afraid of how much longer this will take. But honestly, my thoughts always come back to how I am so thankful and grateful because of the help and strength I have received. So yes, honestly, I am grateful for this trial.

"God will feel after you, and he will take hold of you and wrench your very heart stringd, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance ub the celestial kingdom of God."
--Joseph Smith

Lucky!

So even though we aren't trying at all right now (hope thats not too much information haha) until we go to the doctor to see if anything is wrong, there are some really nice perks about not having kids and not having to feel guilty for not "trying"!

Here are some of these nice perks...

-We have had almost 3 years of complete one on one time with each other which is amazing & wonderful
-We have been on two cruises and left the country both times
-We have been to Disneyland for 12 hours straight just the two of us
-Lived in Southern California and played in the waves for hours together whenever we went to the beach
-When we aren't in school, we can sleep in until whenever we want to
-We can choose to stay up as late as we want
-We can lay around and do whatever we want when there is nothing to do
-We can lay in bed after waking up and talk for as long as we want when there is no time crunch (this is one of my favorite parts of taking a summer vacation from school...)
-We have gone to college together rather than one of us just watching the other learn all of these cool things
-I can graduate from college with a bachelors in something I can enjoy & make a good income with
-We can do things whenever we want and not worry
-We go on dates way more than once a week for as long as we want with out time restraints
-We don't have to be super poor while we go to college
-We have starred in a light opera and wrote/produced our own play
-Prepare even more for when our wonderful children come, so we are the best possible when they come
-Have a clean house
-Go dancing together for hours
-Have plans for a Hawaiian cruise or Europe trip after graduating
-Exercise together
-Making yummy dinners together
-We can enjoy spontaneous activities/moments
-We can sleep as much as we want
-We have time to strengthen our marriage and become closer and better friends
-We can make spur of the moment decisions like visiting family and writing a play during the summer
-Get farther in school so that we can be more secure financially, possibly with a secure job
-Have enough savings so that we can buy cute baby clothes/toys/things so that we don't have settle for hand-me-downs
-Get excited for when that blessing comes

etc. (there are so many little moments like this that I can't list them all...)

Basically, I love my life. I get to enjoy all of these and more right now and yet in my future I get to raise children with Richard. What more can I ask for?

Don't get me wrong, we are excited to sacrifice some or all of these things when our kids come, but it is so nice to be blessed with this time to enjoy all of the above and others while we wait :) I am just so grateful for this wonderful time that Heavenly Father has blessed us with!

"President Young... encouraged the early Saints who suffered from trials such as persecution, poverty, and starvation to accept their afflictions with gratitude and humility, for the Lord truly strengthened them in their suffering." --summarization of a talk by Brigham Young

Hope and Consolation

I just got back from a very helpful and insightfull Relief Society lesson and wanted to record some thoughts that came to me during this lesson.

The lesson was on finding hope and consolation in death, and the person giving the lesson is a very good friend of mine. The spirit she brought to that lesson was very comforting. I realized that the 3 spirits of our children that we lost through miscarraige are supposed to return to our Heavenly Father and are very special spirits. They are back in heaven where they should be, and I am so glad that I know they are in the best place possible and will be taken care of.

Also, as the lesson was being taught she read a quote by the prophet Joseph Smith JR. in which he said that when we lose children, we will be able to raise them in the next life and that that experience will be amazing and enhanced. I am so thankful for such a merciful Savior who, if I am worthy and righteous, will allow me to raise those children. It brings me so much comfort to realize that I have 3 incredibly righteous and special spirits waiting for me.

The last and most influential realization that I came to, was something she said at the end. She said that we are supposed to mourn but there comes a time where we must take hope and consolation in the will of our Heavenly Father and have faith. I have and will continue to be happy and be consoled and find hope in the will of my Heavenly Father, for I know that he is watching over me and guiding my life.

All in all, I am so thankful for the wonderful peace that comes with the gospel and the knowledge that we have concerning death. It brings so much comfort to me to know that my little angels are in heaven waiting for me to return to them and are going about doing our fathers work. I know they are supposed to be, and this knowledge comes to me because of the gospel. I am SO thankful for the gospel and my Heavenly Father.

"... in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us... The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." --Joseph Smith Jr.

Point of this

I have been thinking lately about one of the points of a blog as it acts as a journal and realized that one part of my life is being left out of our family blog. But I did it on purpose. It is a very personal part of my life that I usually don't share with many people. However, I realized after finding and reading blogs that talk about their own struggles, and realizing how much it has helped me I decided to lower my protective "shield" and talk about my experiences. I share these things mainly to hopefully help someone in any way possible. I have been so thankful for the help that people have given me, and I want to reach out to help those who might be going through the same experience. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I hope in some small way, to help someone.

I want to share thoughts that I have, things that help me and even times when I am having a hard time. This blog is also for me so that I can write my thoughts and be able to look back and remember what I have learned and how much I have grown through this experience. So here it goes...

Before I start here is some history so that you can understand where the thoughts and feelings are coming from: In the 14 months that we have been trying to bring our children into our family, I have gone through 3 miscarriages and been pregnant for a total of 9 months. In more detail here has been my experiences: about 9 months after we were married, we decided it would be fun to add to our family and in the third month (after two cycles) we were pregnant. We were so excited about having our first little child, and started to prepare ourselves and our futures. However, at 12 weeks I started to bleed and my worst nightmare came true. My family has miscarriages (my mom has had 6 miscarriages and 8 healthy children), and so it wasn't new, but it was a surprise. We went to the doctor to have an ultrasound (sadly, a couple days before our first appointment where we should have had a normal ultrasound). There was nothing inside, and the doctor said that it probably had stopped growing around 6 weeks. This is called a missed miscarriage. The pain was horrible (emotionally and physically as I passed it myself...), but yet I felt a wonderful peace and the spirit tell me that my little baby was back where it was supposed to be with my Heavenly Father. There were other very spiritual moments which helped me greatly. After our first, we waited several months to try again, to hopefully get over the pain and just to heal and also decided that we wouldn't try unless we felt spiritually prompted. About 4 months later we had a very spiritual experience which we felt we should start trying, and again in the third month (tried for 2 cycles again) we were pregnant (August). Just like the first, we were very excited and hopeful that this pregnancy would work out. Even to our wonderful surprise, at 6 1/2 weeks we were able to see a little tiny heartbeat at our first ultrasound. After this, we were sure this second would work out and for 12 weeks everything seemed to go well. However, in the middle of my 12th week, I started to bleed again and the realization of another miscarriage sunk in. We rushed to the doctors, and with the ultrasound found out our baby had stopped growing at around 8 weeks. Another missed miscarriage. I passed this one on our own, which was very excruciating (the doc said most people end up in the hospital, and it happened before we had expected so they hadn't given me any pain medication...). I felt at this point we shouldn't try again until we had gone to the doctor to get some tests done and find out more to possibly prevent another. However, about a month after our miscarriage, we were pregnant again and were surprised, but scared. From the outset I knew this last pregnancy would end in miscarriage. So once again at about 8 weeks I had an ultrasound and found out our baby had stopped growing around or earlier than 6 weeks. They offered tests to see if my dates were off and maybe it was just measuring small, but I knew it was a miscarriage and just waited for my body to pass it on its own. And it did a couple weeks later (when I should have been about 12 weeks pregnant) and after some complications, our 3rd miscarriage was complete. After that experience I decided with the help of very strong feelings, that I should wait to find out as much as I could to prevent another loss, and that is where I stand right now.

No one can truly understand how difficult this is, unless they have gone through it themselves. This is why I decided to share my experiences so that those who have not gone through it, will understand. However, as difficult and painful (emotionally and physically) this has been for me, I am so thankful for this experience because I have grown in amazing ways and become a stronger person. Please do not worry about me because I am fine. In fact, I am very thankful for these experiences. Among so many other strengthening things, my testimony has grown and I KNOW that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows me personally.

**Updated: After waiting 14 months after our last miscarriage in March 2008 for it to feel like the right time to get pregnant again and in the meantime seeing doctors, we implemented our first plan to fix my progesterone deficiency, stopped birth control and were pregnant within about a week. Our healthy baby boy is due February 7th!!

"Faith is total trust in Him. Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does." --Dennis E. Simmons